Should You Call Your Ex? 10 Reasons Not To Contact Him

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We've all had our heart broken by a man who decided he wanted to deal with serious personal problems alone. Unfortunately, he meant "alone" — no more relationship or contact with you at all.

At the time, you may have told him you would be there for him no matter what, but doing so didn't include trying in any way, shape, or form to stay in touch with him. It hurts, and you hated losing him, but in the end, you had to accept his decision.

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Then, several months later, you wonder: Should I call my ex?

If he wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you. And he hasn't contacted you, so that means you shouldn't talk to him, right?

It's worth talking about times when we don’t choose to do anything to get an ex back — and this situation is a good example.

Here are 10 reasons you should never get in touch with your ex or try to get him back, even if you love him. (Yes, even if you know your relationship worked well when you were still together.)

10 Reasons To Not Call Your Ex

1. You want a full relationship with him, or nothing.

While friends may suggest you can get in touch and offer support as a human being trying to help another human being in trouble, the problem is, you can't offer your support without hoping for more.

You will not settle for offering endless "friendship" and emotional support until the chemistry dies, all because of your misguided, sweet attempts to "save him." If he wants to step back into your relationship now, or at any point in the future, he knows exactly where to find you.

Checking in, checking up, helping out, or trying to get involved in fixing his problems aren't behaviors that make sense anymore; he clearly said "no" to you.

2. Stop lying to yourself about what you want vs. what you're really doing.

You could tell yourself all the ways you're trying to "be a good human being" and "care about him as a person," but you would be lying to yourself.

You want him. You cannot and will not pretend or downgrade your feelings for him into friendly, caring about "how things are going." You have to consider the concept that you're not an angel, and sometimes your very presence could make things worse.

All of the gentle, caring actions in the world aren't valuable if they offend the person you’re obsessively "caring" about. In some cases, "caring" masquerades as control.

You do care about him as a person, and that’s why you're leaving him alone.

3. You aren't abandoning him — he doesn't 'need' you.

As a human being, you should show that you care to remind him you were "here for him" when times were tough. You can’t abandon someone who told you clearly to go away. But continuing to try and help someone who doesn't want you to help is not helpful!

You respect him and don't want to decide for him what he needs. How do you know he doesn’t need you? Simple: He isn’t with you.

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4. He might be too embarrassed to get in touch.

Maybe so. In his place, you might feel the same way.

But you know what? If you let someone go because you wanted to go on a personal journey, you would eventually accept the fact that breaking up was your decision, thus your responsibility to reverse course if you wanted to revisit the relationship.

The benefits of being around the other person would outweigh the potential slings and arrows to your pride. However, time and circumstances are important factors here.

Loving your ex and wanting them in your life doesn't mean you automatically possess the emotional resources to be in a real relationship with them. Maturity is realizing your own limitations and letting someone else go, rather than dragging them through the mud with you.

Love doesn't conquer all and it's not enough. And, in the event that your ex doesn't actually love you, why in the world would you subject yourself to being in someone’s presence who you love, but doesn’t want you?

5. Forget your fear-based worrying.

All of these nightmare-scenario, mental-gymnastic reasons why you should fall all over yourself to call your ex are fear-based:

"What if he could use someone to talk to?" He’s a phone owner who has a working voice.

"What if he’s barely holding it together?" Your magic wand hasn't been working for a while now.

"What if you have the super-secret code to his happiness, and all you have to do is sneeze and he’ll be okay again?" That isn’t how it works.

Why in the world would you want to soil your memories by knowing "the whole story," and flood your body with stress and more pain, rather than just accept the simple reality that he’s not here? It's not your problem and not your stress to deal with.

6. Worry is unproductive.

Why would you spend your time worrying about another divine being with his own path when you can learn something new, like woodworking or a sport?

We could play pretend all day long. But worry doesn’t change bad circumstances, save anyone, control reality, or fix any relationship. And we have to stop using it as a magical amulet for any of these purposes.

Worrying about your ex out loud by trying some kind of pity play over text message is just a covert statement that you don’t respect or trust his decisions.

7. 'Not yet' doesn't mean 'never.'

People work through things on their own time schedules. If your ex wants to get in touch with you, he will. If he doesn’t, why would you want to force him to be interested in a relationship that he's clearly rejected?

Should you call your ex? If so, how long should you wait to call your ex? The reality is, your ex is not calling you right now. That could change at any time, or it might never. But the thing is: it’s up to him, and you have to trust and respect his timing.

Resist the urge. Don't dial his number because as much as it feels like the right thing to do for you, you have to think about him as well.

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What should you tell him in the call? If you aren't sure what to say when you call your ex, it's pretty simple: don't call him at all! If you've been paying attention to anything so far, you'd know to not even get into a call. If he calls you, then that's a whole other situation.

RELATED: 8 Really Good Reasons To Finally — Permanently! — Let Go Of Your Ex

8. You broke up for reasons you cannot change.

All breakups are murky. All of them involve problems on both sides.

Doing an inventory of why the breakup happened is one of the most important parts of getting back together. Getting dumped because you're acting like a jerk or because you fought a lot is much different than your ex leaving you because he has personal things to take care of.

You're flawed and human, and sometimes make mistakes that hurt other people. But since this isn't one of those times, saving your relationship isn't in your wheelhouse.

9. You diminish the value of your own company by forcing it on others.

Forcing yourself into places you aren't wanted is not heroic or romantic — it’s pathetic.

You're probably tired of creating, allowing, and cultivating situations where you are "self-sacrificing" that, later down the road, your resentment reaches a fever pitch. You've spoken that angry language of bitterness and score-keeping.

All of this self-sacrifice with men has never gotten you even a tiny bit more love than before you did it. In fact, you would be better off in life if you had never, ever tried to go the white knight route.

Someone must choose you to get his attention. Otherwise, you will peacefully and gently withdraw it.

10. You don't trust him.

Your ex is an incredibly capable, intelligent human being who ultimately finds a way to take care of himself. If he thinks that the best decision is for him to say no, then who are you to try to take control or inject yourself into his life?

Sometimes, the highest level of love and caring you can give someone is to respect their wishes. There is a time to "not take 'no' for an answer," and there is a time to back off, sit down and shut up.

Your acceptance and lack of "checking in" don't make you an uncaring monster. Your actions simply mean that you love yourself and respect him more than forcing him to have you in his life if he doesn’t want that.

You don't love him any less, it just means you're willing to lovingly put yourself first. After all, that’s exactly what he’s doing.

RELATED: 5 Times It's Okay To Reconnect With Your Ex (And 5 Times It's Definitely Not)

Elizabeth Stone is an author and relationship coach whose work has been featured on Popsugar, Thought Catalog, The Good Men Project, Ravishly, Zoosk, Tiny Buddha, and more.

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