10 Ways To Fix Disconnection During Sex

10 Ways To Fix Disconnection During Sex

This is a common experience for 99.9 percent of the women I know and one which you may be able to relate to. The kissing is hot, the passion juices are flowing, everything is green light go, but when your partner starts touching your genitals, everything goes a little numb.

It’s as if the rest of your body is vibrant and alive with stereo sound and the sensation in your genitals is sort of… muted.

Or, you are experiencing pleasure, pleasure, pleasure and then…oops! Oh god, I lost it! Oh crap, where did it go? Now I’m taking too long. Maybe if he/she just went a little harder/softer/sideways, etc.

And now you’re lost in your head, trying vainly to recapture those sweet moments of bliss you were just starting to get a glimpse of.

Disconnecting from our pleasure and desire during the sexual experience is very, very, common for women. Most likely every woman will experience varying degrees of presence during sex, at various times throughout each sexual encounter.

But knowing that doesn’t make it any more fun when it happens.

So the question is—why is it happening and what can you do?

There are a few different reasons for disconnecting during sexual intimacy and usually one or more of these issues is at play in any given moment:

  1. You are have trouble focusing and getting "out of your head."
  2. You are distracted by the recurrent thoughts of what would feel better, but are unable to communicate it verbally.
  3. You are worrying. (i.e. am I taking too long, is my partner is getting bored, are my thighs too fat?)
  4. You are trying to orgasm, straining, and trying to perform.
  5. You are feeling emotionally unsafe or uncertain.
  6. You are afraid to really feel the pleasure because it might be over too soon.
  7. You feel uncomfortable with your body, the way it looks, smells and sounds.
  8. You feel guilty or shameful about sexual pleasure (i.e. good girls don’t like/want/enjoy sex).
  9. You were sexually abused or violated in your past.
  10. You experienced a deep heartbreak, painful break-up, or serious let-down from a past relationship.

One of these issues is enough to make your sexual pleasure train derail, but the fact of the matter is often there are a few of these "sensual saboteurs" going on simultaneously.

So what’s a girl to do? Well the typical answer is to encourage people to "be more present" during sex.

Which I find really unhelpful given that we spend 90 percent or more of our waking time lost in thought, thinking of what’s next on our "to do" list, being driven by unconscious thoughts and desires and yet somehow we expect ourselves to just magically know how to get and stay present during sex.

But I ask you, if you’re unable to be present in other area of your life, how could you expect to be instantly present for sex?

If you want to be more present and connected to your body during sex, I invite you to practice being present and connected to your body, in every other moment of your life.

Which is a great thing to say, but how do you actually do it?

The quickest, fastest route for getting present in your body and out of your head is by focusing on your breath.

Wherever you are, in any moment, simply notice your breathing pattern.

  • First notice if you are taking short, shallow rabbit breaths, (which is a symptom of fight or flight response) or are you taking nice full belly breaths. Most likely if you are lost in thoughts and worry about past or future, you are in "fight or flight" response.
  • Next take a few nice deep conscious breaths, and feel your body. Feel your lungs and belly expand with air, feel your ribcage lift and open to allow in more life essence. Feel the slow, sweet process of life happening within you.
  • Then notice how your body feels. Are there any areas of tension or stress? Take a few moments to consciously breath into any areas of physical, emotional, or energetic tension. Bring your conscious awareness and your breath to these areas and relax.

I invite you to do this exercise for 5-10 minutes, several times during your day. Some people call this meditation, or you can simply think of it as "body awareness."

After practicing being present for a while outside of your sexual experience, I invite you to do the same practice of self-awareness during your sexual experience.

Become aware of your breathing pattern during sexual pleasure and consciously practice taking deep full breathes.

Instead of following thoughts in your head, follow the sensations in your body and when they run into little obstacles, (or "blocks to bliss") breathe into those areas of tension and dullness and practice relaxing, softening and letting go.

You may find a whole new depth of pleasure, connection and joy in your sexual experience and a profound intimacy with yourself and your significant other.