To The Man I Took For Granted: You Deserve Better Than Me

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To The Man I Treated Shitty, You Deserve Better
Love, Self

It crushes my heart and soul that I hurt you.

I thought I was okay. I thought I had my sh*t together and my ducks in a row. It kills me that I ended up hurting such a good person. It eats at me day after day and night after night. 

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when I should have been. The last time I saw you, I looked into your eyes and saw pain for the first time and it was in that moment I realized my behaviors and actions were awful and that I had been an awful person to you.

You didn't deserve to be treated like I treated you: I spoke to you in disrespectful ways. I screamed at you when I was angry or upset about something totally unrelated to you. I treated you as if you were one of my exes without giving you the proper chance to show me who you really were.

I can ramble off excuse after excuse for the way I treated you but it wouldn't help fix the pain we both experienced.

I don't think I was mentally prepared to have feelings for you. Honestly, my attraction to you came so naturally that I wasn't able to identify it right away and spare you the pain and pointless drama I caused.

I only have myself to blame — and it absolutely fu*king crushes my heart and soul that I hurt you.

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Up until I realized I screwed everything up, I can honestly say I had no regrets in my life. Even after suffering past emotional and physical abuse, I don’t regret it because it gave me the strength I never knew existed within me.

But today, I have my first real life regret: For not treating you like a prince. For not being mentally prepared for my own emotions and feelings and letting you, an innocent bystander, get caught in the crossfire. 

I know we only knew each other for a short time but in that short time, you made me want to be a better person. You helped me fight through my own feelings of worthlessness due to my ex-fiance walking out on me. You gave me the ability to close that chapters of my life for good.

I don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with me anymore. I don't blame you for not responding to me, even though I've reached out many times.  Hell, I can't even look at myself in the mirror knowing how badly I've hurt you.

That was never — and I mean never — my intention. From the bottom of my broken heart, I am SO sorry.

Put simply, I f*cked up. 

I automatically assumed you were going to turn out like my exes and because of that, I treated you as if you were one of them.

I don't have excuses nor do I want to bullsh*t you. I hate the version of me who treated you badly. I want to make sure that person gets laid to rest for good. 

It may sound super weird (and maybe a bit creepy) because we've only known each other a short time but I miss having you in my life.

The random texts and cute emojis you'd send me that turned bad day into a good one. The genuine hugs and kisses. I miss it all and I miss you.

I know I don't deserve a third chance; I didn't deserve a second one, either. But I'm promising you (and everyone else who is reading this) that I'm fighting to get well and be the good and caring person I know I am at heart.

I'm putting my apology in writing so you (or anyone else) can reference it down the line as proof I'm going to be better and do everything in my power and control never to hurt you or anyone else again.

I promise I'll treat you like you deserve to be treated. Like the good, caring, and genuine person I know you are. From the bottom of my heart and soul, I want you to know that I'm a good person at my core.

You're an amazing person and this is my loss. If I don't get another chance with you, whoever you end up with will be a very lucky person because it's not every day you come across someone as real, honest and loving as you are.

My first regret in life was taking you for granted and for not treating you the way you deserve. Again, I am sorry for everything I said and ways I behaved. You'll always have a special place in my heart.

Brittney Lindstrom is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor.

Watch André Kuyt's TED Talk on the things we take for granted in life.