After An Affair: Do You Stay Or Go?


Must read: 5 steps to moving forward after an affair.

Affairs bring with them a whole host of emotions: denial, fear, loneliness, rejection, guilt, grief, and rage. The ones who committed the affair are usually unable or unwilling to face and communicate the truth of the situation whatever it is to their partner. Perhaps it is over, or perhaps there is some issue that is incredibly challenging for the other to come to terms with. The aftermath for the one who was cheated on, usually turns into something self deprecating. We often look for that one person who we can hold onto like a rock and to have that foundation falter, often crumbles their whole world.

Self Love
It is during these turbulent times that it is crucial to love ourselves first. It is common that when we think of love it is with another. To really express love we must first start to practice loving ourselves in order to truly know how to love others and all that is around us.

Self-love is a continued practice so make sure you show yourself kindness and compassion always. Let the practice permeate through every thought, spoken word and action. Doing this will ensure your continued growth and expansion into the depths of it. You will feel stronger physically, mentally, emotionally and perhaps spiritually. You will notice how you were relating to others change somehow as if by magic. Love has vast depths which most only skim the surface of in their lifetime. Let this time be an invitation to rediscover and really dive into the depths of what love truly is.

Identify What Matters
So you are in the midst of a storm you may have never known before. Often we find ourselves just tossing about with the waves without taking the helm and steering towards our true north. I know you may feel overwhelmed by pain and anger. I am challenging you to change the reacting to responding. Make focused conscious decisions based on what represents the real you at this moment. This means it's time to get back to the basics. It's time to get present and figure out what your values are. Do you value love, connection and honesty? If you do then let those values be a guide to all that you choose to do now. 

Express Yourself
If you haven't done so already, this moment is the perfect time to respectfully express yourself in ways perhaps you never have before. Recognition of feelings that have arisen because of the affair is paramount. To repress emotions and just power through will show up in your health somewhere down the line. 

Expressing yourself is an art where there is fluidity involved within a framework. I believe that anything can be solved through communication as long as you are not attached to how it all works out in the end. There is always a win-win solution. Be centered in yourself first. You must really understand and know yourself before the discussion happens as you may easily fall into being swayed into something you truly do not want. And also to be mindful to not be too entrenched and fixed in how things should turn out as well. Good indicators would be if you were holding onto the position just because it would mean you are somehow less than, preaching and being right. It's all a matter of perspective, creating the open space for a true discussion and continually keeping the communicaiton lines open. 

Art of Creating
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. If you do not like the result of your current situation choose a different way of being. Your way of being creates your reality in which you live. Beliefs shape and are the lens in which you interpret what is happening around you. You must take on full responsibility for all that happens to and in your life. Come to terms with what is. If you believe that he or she is the scum of the earth you will only find evidence to support that. If you see the other person as a human being than you will see other possibilities open up that were not present before.   

Flow of Life
In the age of instant gratification, patience is definitely a virtue in dealing with affairs. Make sure you are doing what you can and see what unfolds. To ensure you are doing as much as you can create a weekly agenda of what needs to be done. Create accountability with a trusted friend or a professional to make sure you are not avoiding hot items that need to be dealt with.    

In the end life happens. Flexibility in how things work out now is key which ever road the both of you take.  Intention is often the turing point which how things will turn out. If the intention is done with love, circumstances will always turn out for the better for everyone involved. 

Ultimately to stay or to go is a very personal decision. One thing is for sure, you are faced with what needs attention in one of the most potentially explosive human interactions. What can be done before the decision is to do some deep reflections and then some actions to get your bearings again. To respond without reacting is what will detangle the situation in the fastest way possible if you so choose. Life is about choices. There are always choices no matter what the mind makes of a challenging situation. You often cannot control outside circumstances but you can always control your response to whatever happens. By centering yourself, re-evaluating and re-establishing your roots will you truly engage the outside world in a powerful and dynamic way. You deserve a life of your own creation. You are worth the fight.

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