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Woman Told She's Being A 'Deadbeat Parent' To A Child That She Was A Surrogate For

Photo: NDAB Creativity / 4 PM production / Shutterstock; Reddit
dad and daughter playing, pregnant woman, reddit title post

A woman revealed that she was shamed for not wanting to take care of a child that isn't biologically hers.

Posting to the subreddit "r/AmItheA--hole" (AITA) — a forum where users try to figure out if they were wrong or not in an argument — she pondered if she was being a "jerk" for refusing to be a stand-in mother for her friend despite not being the child's biological mother.

She was accused of being a 'deadbeat parent' to a child that she was a surrogate for.

She explained that when she was younger she had been a surrogate for two of her friends who were unable to have children on their own. While she had no issue offering to help her friends have a baby, her relationship with the baby is now becoming more than she bargained for.

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In her Reddit post, she explained that a couple of years after welcoming a baby for her friends, their marriage ended up falling apart. Her friend Sam ended up leaving the family and his daughter, Abby, behind. "That left Abby with her [other] father and I am still near. He has been calling all the time to come [and] hang out with Abby," she revealed.

Since Abby's parent left, the woman who had been a surrogate for the little girl is now being asked to become a stand-in parent, despite her role in Abby's life being over once she was no longer a surrogate.

"I’ve been pulling back from him since it has gotten [too] much. He called and asked me to pick her up from daycare," she continued. When she refused, Abby's father accused her of being a "deadbeat parent," which only made her laugh, considering that she didn't sign up to be a parent at all when she agreed to be their surrogate.

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Photo: 4 PM production / Shutterstock

However, the woman's mother tried to argue that she has a "duty" to Abby as the person who was responsible for her being born. "I think I am going crazy and I’m not a parent even though my family thinks I am."

Surrogacy is a complex process and while it plays a vital role in helping individuals or couples achieve their dream of having a child, it is important to understand that surrogates are not intended to be an active parent in that child's life, at least without proper communication beforehand, which didn't happen in this case.

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Many people in the comments agreed that she was not acting unreasonably by refusing to care for her friend's daughter.

"That's not your child. You don't owe anyone anything more than you're willing to give," one Reddit user wrote. "You already did your part by putting yourself through pregnancy and childbirth and giving someone the absolute gift of a child they otherwise couldn't have."

Another user agreed, writing, "Surrogacy does not equal parenthood. Unless there were some terms about you being an active part in the child's life before the surrogacy was agreed then the assumption should be that you would not be involved in any capacity."

"You agreed to be a surrogate, not a mom. This is wholeheartedly inappropriate [for] the father to be doing this," a third user pointed out. "You didn't agree to be a parent to this child."

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Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.