Why Relationships Seem To Be So Hard For Men, According To 15 Regular Guys
Men are humans just trying to make a connection. So what's holding them back?
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock While it might not have ever occurred to you, while men and women have different challenges when it comes to dating, understanding the difference in the challenges men often face in the world of love and relationships can actually make it easier for us women to do battle with our own struggles.
Some men might not exactly feel comfortable opening up honestly about their challenges when it comes to dating, but the men of the AskMen subforum on Reddit were happy to share their biggest struggles when it comes to dating. Recently, one Redditor asked men, "What's your biggest struggle when dating?"
Read on to find out what they had to say (and maybe men will stop seeming like such strange creatures and more like other humans just trying to make a connection, just like you!).
Why relationships seem to be so hard for men, according to 15 regular guys:
1. Not being able to figure out what the other person is thinking.
"Knowing whether or not someone is interested in me,"
Psychotherapist Nancy Carbone explained how to tell if she likes you or not: "A clear sign that she's interested in you is when she gives you a taste of what's to come to tempt you and entice you to become interested in her. She aims to get you to pick up her cues and signals that she's interested in you, so you can ask her out. So men, it’s your job to read the signals and act. Otherwise, you may miss your chance."
2. Finding the energy to date again after a breakup.
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"I thought I'd met the love of my life. We broke up a couple of months ago. I now find myself at 35 and having to start all over again with meeting someone. It's going to suck. So I'd say my biggest dating struggle is finding the energy to get out there again."
3. Dealing with optimists.
"A common misconception is that everyone will eventually find the right person for them. It's much more likely to find someone who’s compatible on the surface but with major underlying incompatibilities, or to just never meet anyone at all. I don’t pretend that it's impossible to find a great match, but when people speak in absolution that 'you’ll find someone,' I feel patronized by their optimism."
4. Keeping it from feeling repetitive.
"As a fellow serial dater, do you ever feel like it becomes scripted? Like the first few dates are what it takes to be interesting and converse. It is just so easy, I go on autopilot. I really like doing fun and unique things for dates, but definitely not worth it until you find someone you like."
5. Making an effort and getting little in return.
"When I was actively trying to date, I would get a date once every three to six months. That's to get one date. So you're putting in a large effort for the searching part, only to hope to get something in a span of 1/4 to 1/2 a year. I have female friends and colleagues who get a date without doing anything within 1 month of breaking up with a guy. Many, if they're actively searching, can get a date a week."
6. Trying to meet nice people.
"Yeah, it's like a side job that you pay for instead of being paid. And the 'customers' treat you like garbage!"
Author Ossiana Tepfenhart elaborated from a woman's perspective, "Yes, being nice is a good trait to have, but in this dating field, it's more about what else you have to offer. Sadly, at times, it's not worth it. At other times, it is. It's up to you to decide whether it's worth it, but if it is, by all means, stop feeling like you have to be nice to men who won't appreciate it."
7. Having to open up all over again.
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"Putting my guard down. It’s not so much getting hurt by someone, it’s more so hurting myself. I am the King of self-sabotage and if I don’t open up or get attached I can’t mess it up, which in hindsight, I guess I’m still messing myself up. I try to make a conscious effort to put my guard down, but it’s difficult."
8. Figuring out where to meet someone.
"Getting out of the house. I don't know what to do to meet people."
Dating coach Amy Schoen has a winning formula: "Start by making a list of your life goals and what matters most to you, namely your values. Determine your non-negotiables. Then add in your interests and passions and place yourself in environments that support them.
9. Finding it difficult to take the lead.
"Just kind of tired of leading. At least in the initial stages, I feel like I lead all the conversations, the dates themselves, the pay, everything. I'm tired of it feeling like a prolonged interview. One time I got drunk and had a gay Italian guy literally wine and dine me.
I feel horrible for leading him on (I found out that night that I'm as straight as they come), but I found it so refreshing that for once I was the one being wooed and seduced. I just wish that more of my dates and relationships with women were closer to that. I want someone else to lead for a change."
10. Being ghosted.
"Ghosting. That always sucks because you're left wondering 'why?' But I've come to realize I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't prioritize me enough to respond."
Therapist turned writer, Crystal Jackson, said, "Sure, I was ghosted. More than once. I was painful. I hated every minute of the loss and the feelings that followed. But I can’t keep dragging around all that old grief. It’s exhausting. It depletes me. And I’m ready to move on to a relationship with someone who actually wants to be with me and would never leave me in that way."
11. Being emotionally vulnerable.
"Opening myself up emotionally to them. Like most guys, I grew up not really opening up to anybody. Then you find that first person that you love, the person who you think is the one. You open yourself up to them. About things you've never told anybody. You trust them to hold your heart and not crush it. For most people, they inevitably do."
12. Finding the time.
"Time to meet someone new. My life is busy, and if I had a partner, I'd prioritize time for them, but it's hard to take the time to meet new people, especially when it ends up disappointing."
13. Figuring out if it's love or friendship.
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"My biggest issue is finding the line between when my date is interested in me as a friend, or as a romance. I am the worst at interpreting signals and usually, I don't try to make a move since I don't wish to be intrusive if the feeling isn't reciprocal.
"Most of my dates don't lead to anything more than the occasional meet-up, since I seldom can tell if my date is being friendly or actually interested in me romantically."
14. Being short.
"I’m 5’3”, so pretty much invisible. I talk to girls online, and then they find out how short I am and stop talking to me."
Research on height preferences for romantic involvement between men and women showed definite preferences for height in both men and women, and both extremes of height were least preferred. However, the study suggested this preference could be heavily influenced by culture.
15. Meeting the right one.
"I wouldn't say my issue is getting dates; apps like Tinder make that pretty easy.
"My issue is that I rarely find one I like. I can't tell you how many times I've gone out with a 26-year-old cashier who lives with their parents and has no ambition to change a thing. Usually, when I find one I can actually get excited about, she either isn't interested or ends up being mentally unwell, and the whole thing falls apart."
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.
