11 Ways People Can Repurpose The Stripper Pole They Thought Would Save Their Marriage

Photo: weheartit
11 Ways To Repurpose And Upcycle A Stripper Pole After Your Divorce

When in doubt, upcycle.

So your marriage was on its last legs. You were arguing over stupid little things like the temperature at which the coffee came out of the coffee pot, but you both knew the fight had absolutely nothing to do with the coffee and everything to do with the fact that somewhere along the line, the love you felt for each other became tinged with resentment, and it was slowing edging its way into the realm of hate. And short of installing a stripper pole in your bedroom, you were desperate to figure out how to get him to really pay attention to you again.

Figuring out how to fix your marriage and stave off divorce became your life's work.

You tried couple's counseling, but the counselor seemed to take sides and only made the petty tiffs pettier than ever. You tried opening up your marriage, but both of you turned into jealous ogres.

 RELATED: 7 Stripper-Approved Tips To Blow His MIND In The Bedroom 

You turned back to that thought of spicing things up, and figured that learning how to go about pole dancing like a possibly soon-to-be Olympic champion might just be the key to connecting with him again.

Sadly, all that got you was a sore back — and an appointment to fill out the divorce papers you both knew would inevitably be coming.

When you're ending a marriage and trying to pick up the pieces, the last thing you need is a glaring reminder of how everything went wrong in the shape of the stripper's pole you installed because you thought it might make your marriage work again.

So what do you do with that damn metal pole now that you're happily divorced and dating, but living in a place the size of your college dorm room? Is there any decent resale value on those suckers?

I don't believe there is, no. But listen, ladies, we are fortunate enough to live in the age when sisters are doing it for themselves for real. This is the era of Pinterest. The dawn of the DIY weekend project! The age in which "repurpose" and "upcycle" aren't just words, they're a gosh darn way of life!

So rather than wasting your time figuring out how to get someone to haul your stripper pole away, here are 11 ways you can keep right on using it after your divorce.

1. Make it your superhero(ine)'s signature weapon.

You are the city's most terrifying masked vigilante: Stripper Girl!

Villains flee when they see you coming, brandishing your pole and snarling, "You don't wanna know where this is going to end up."

FYI, it's going to end up in their rectums. Just so we're clear.

2. Revisit your baton twirling heyday.

You often consider your time as a majorette in high school to have been your glory days.

Now that you're dating again, why not dust off that old uniform, tape some tassels to this bad boy, and show the world (and yourself) you've still got ALL of the moves.

3. Bring it along wherever you go as your very own creepy-man-beating stick.

You're walking down the street and some guy sticks his wick out at you... Or tells you to smile... Or mentions that you have a nice set of cans...

These are just the sort of moments that creepy-man-beating sticks were intended for.

4. Build a DIY donut spike.

People spend a lot of money to make their houses fit to impress any guest. Forget about those people: Cover your old stripper's pole in donuts and show them what REAL hostess skills look like.

5. Custom make a new sex toy for the other kind of "do it yourself" project that's been on your mind.

Did you love shop class? Do you love trolling junkyards and garage sales looking for your next big project? Do you also enjoy having lots and lots of orgasms?

Turn this pole into the sex toy of your dream. Glue a dildo on it, I guess, I don't know. You're the crafty one. 

RELATED: 4 Things You Need To Know Before You Buy A Stripper Pole 

6. Consider it your own personal fireman's pole.

Who hasn't wanted to live in an old firehouse and slide down the pole to breakfast every morning?

Live your dream and cut a hole in your floor! Also, maybe buy a dalmatian!

7. Cut it down into a bunch of super shiny unicorn horns!

So it turns out that donning lucite heels and learning how to twerk didn't save your marriage? So what! Take that splendid piece of chrome to a really good metal artist and I bet you can get at least 10 really good custom-made unicorn horns out of it.

Guess what makes a woman feel fresh, sexy, and magical as hell? A FULL WARDROBE OF UNICORN HORNS! TOOT TOOT!

8. Turn it into a heavy duty dart gun.

This is yet another excellent way to stop those handsy men you catch in the acting of street harassing other women in your town. I'm not saying you should "kill all men," obviously, but I am saying that hypothetically-speaking, perhaps a few could benefit from some temporary sedation.

9. Keep it handy as your very own margarita straw.

You know what are delicious? Margaritas. But you know what's also really heavy? A margarita. Who has the energy to lug that massive beverage around, especially when you're cutting loose and dancing on a table?

Not I, my friends, not I. That's where your massive steel straw comes into use: suck the pain away.

10. Set it up in the yard as a dog tree.

Put it in your backyard and let the dog piss on it every morning. Or better yet, put it in your ex's backyard and do the same.

That will teach your ex not to convince you to install a huge chunk of metal in your home, only to then leave you for that guy he went to high school with.

11. Rely on it as a remarkably sturdy walking stick.

Listen, we all know that you've always wanted to embark on a great outdoor adventure.

This is now is your chance! People will definitely move out of your way quickly on the trails with this stripper pole held awkwardly in your sweaty little hand.

Can you say, badass b*tch? I know you can!

RELATED: How To Perform A Strip Tease That Will Turn Him On IMMEDIATELY 

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:20 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.