By Tom Miller — Written on Nov 17, 2017
At some point, most women and some men will find themselves having sex with a man. This is science. And that man will sometimes make noises with his mouth and throat. (Older guys may make noises with their noses or bottoms too.)
And some of these mouth/throat noises are going to be weird. Is he speaking in tongues? Is there something wrong with him? Is there some wrong with you? Probably not. But just in case here are 10 common male sex noises decoded.
A long exhale through mouth with lips curled into an "O" shape as if he’s blowing out candles.
"Huuuuuuuuuuuu"
He’s not in great shape. That much is clear. And he’s trying to maintain the kind of blood-oxygen ratio necessary to maintain an erection. He may have a cramp in his butt.
A guttural growl with his chin poked forward as if he has an under-bite.
"Uhhhhhhhngn"
You probably have a lot of his sweat on you. And while the congress has likely been inarticulate at best, the good news is that he’s probably very close to climaxing. Or he’s had a stroke and you can expect a lot of this kind of humping at all times of the day for the foreseeable future.
Really any synonym for "yes" but it may not be especially intelligible.
"Yeaaaaaaah!"
He’s having a great time and he wants everyone to know it. He wants his good time to rub off on you (PUNS!). He may be doing a really bad and poorly timed impression of either Rain Man or Office Space. Yeah.
Similar to the caveman but more of an exerted grunt.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmuhh"
You are getting the rogering of a lifetime right now, lady, and you should appreciate the presence of greatness you’re in. While he’s fairly interested in your pleasure, he’s also envisioning that he looks exactly like Christian Bale in American Psycho.
He’s exhaling through a closed mouth, possibly while biting his bottom lip.
"Fffffffffffffft"
This is going really well for him. Be proud of yourself. He’ll likely be erupting very soon. The upside of a guy like this is you’ll know when he’s up to something; downside, you’ll have to be the one to negotiate if you ever buy a house together.
He’s saying words. Dirty words. Dirty words describing exactly what the two of you are doing or he’d like for you to be doing.
[Insert Aggressive Curse Words Likely Describing Sexual Acts]
There are very specific conditions that typically facilitate his orgasm. If you can repeat some of this colorful language, this could be the sexual experience of your lifetime. Eventually, novelty may wear off and you’ll have to start using porn as a party starter. No, not the kind of porn you like.
A low, possibly ragged breath.
"Huuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh"
He’s on the job. He’s not interested in showmanship OR he’s careful not to say something embarrassing. He likely read about some rhythmic technique or breathing method in a now defunct men’s magazine that will make him last a really, really long time. Be careful about too much eye contact — it could make his head explode.
Non-stop cogent verbalizations.
"Are you OK?"
The upside is he really wants you to have a nice time with this lovemaking. The downside is you’re going to have to set the pace. You will have to ask to get your hair pulled and forget about getting choked. It’s also possible that your responses — verbal, muscular and lubricant-wise — have told him you are giving this interaction a C-.
A single sharp grunt.
"Ehhhh!"
Is he wincing? There's a chance he's experienced some kind of genital trauma. Your natural or store-bought lubrication may have run out. He may have had his scrotum twisted attempting a move that neither of you are qualified for. This might be the time for you to ask, "Is everything OK?"
It could be a garden variety shredded hamstring, in which case you're going to need to get on top for a few minutes before you guys limp to an emergency room.
Laughter. Uncontrollable laughter.
"Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaa. Oh jeez. Haaaaaaaa."
He’s having a ball or a stroke. Either way, this could get weird. Be prepared to be flipped over a few times. And for there to be zero warning for his finish. You are dealing with a madman.
Tom Miller is a writer and performer based in New York. He's been a mechanical engineer and a banker. He's been the general manager and coordinating video producer at YourTango for 11 years. He's probably listening to Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" as we speak.
