8 Things Men Want During Sex That Are So Simple, It's Stupid

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what guys like in bed

If some evolutionary biologists are to believe, we're all just here for the sex and everything else is window-dressing. And despite that potential truthy-ism, most of us are somewhat unclear what our partners, particularly of the opposite sex, want in the bedroom (or shower).

Sure, we appreciate that warm, hard parts feel good when touched by warm, soft parts (and vice versa) but beyond that, it's horrible advice about grapefruit blowjobs and my very firm belief that no one has ever successfully had sex to Coldplay. And while I don't claim to know what women generally want (though in my highly limited experience, oral seems appreciated), I have a decent idea of what guys like in bed.

1. Moaning

It doesn't have to sound like you're a late 90s female tennis star while you're going around, but some amount of copulatory vocalization is appreciated. Those grunts may be an evolutionary signal to his semen that it's time to go.

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2. Sloppy kisses

In "some" ways, intercourse (or even outercourse) is superior to smooching. However, kissing like a couple of prom promise teens hopped up on Mountain Dew and sexual frustration may produce a hormonal effect in women by jump-starting their sex drive. You're thirsty, we're happy. 

3. Communication

Some dudes are aggressively selfish lovers. Imagine any character Jon Hamm has ever played. However, most of us have an active interest in your orgasm. Maybe it's ego, maybe it's a desire to be invited back. Whatever the case, know where you like being touched, touch yourself there and direct us where to touch as well. 

4. Enthusiasm

Some of you will never ever have the kind of coordination that will make being on top work. I blame it on the decline of the hula hoop but arrhythmic rave dancing could be at fault. However, irrespective of what position you're in, you can push your hips toward your partner and not just lie there like a pile of condoms at a League Of Legends convention. 

5. Props and sex toys

Look, we want you to have a really, really, really decent time. It reflects poorly on our whole organization, from the front office all the way to the fans, if you leave unsatisfied. That said, you've gotta help yourself a little.

If the medication you're taking for rickets makes you drier than a nice, sweet Reisling, have lubricant close by. If you need some kind of mechanical, vibrating-type stimulation, have that jammy nearby too. It's a major league deflator if one of you needs to go rummage through the drawer with rubber bands, batteries and the Leatherman your dad got you but is still in the box to find something to keep the party going. 

6. Porn

In the same way you know it's a party when someone turns on "Yeah!" you can use porn to maybe get the blood flowing even if you'd probably set the house on fire if it, the Usher song, was put on repeat. Your suggestion to use porn to get the ball rolling is melt-your-face-off hot. Plus, it may give us an idea of the stuff you're into.

RELATED: 13 Sex Mistakes Women Always Make In Bed, According To Very Honest Guys

7. Laughing

There isn't much LOL-ier on earth than human biological functionality coupled with extreme emotional intimacy. Laughing about a mutual lack of skill, a sock that stubbornly doesn't want to come off, or a tree that suspiciously looks like a creepy neighborhood kid with a mid-90s camcorder lightens the mood. Dysfunctional dong jokes throw the kind of pall on the situation that would inspire Denzel Washington's character from Fences to say, "Hey guys, lighten up."

Encouragement and a quick shift of pleasure focus can go a long way or a long, long way if he's truly blessed. 

8. Doggie style sex

The last man to make positive mention of candles in a sexual connotation was Ricky Martin. Sure, the dim, flickering light makes you look great and your confidence may make for better performance. However, we were probably very much into it when we began talking with you, so let's save the fire hazard.

Sure, the term "doggie style" perfectly encapsulates the style in which that kind of sex is performed, but it doesn't seem particularly respectful for the front partner (we should consider a new name). However, it feels super good. Like getting a massage in a hot tub after you've had 4 glasses of decent champagne and were personally responsible for the destruction of all of your enemies. Like if Doc Brown could travel to some ancient time and kill the parents of the man who invented missionary sex, just so the balance would generally tilt more towards doggie.

I've met dudes who claim they don't like receiving oral sex but I have never met a guy who has given doggie anything less than an A- and it was almost a guy recovering from knee surgery. 

That about covers what guys like in bed. If you're interested in taking your dude's sexperience up a notch or two, give one of these chestnuts a try. If he's worth a darn, he'll reciprocate or at least complain less when you tell him how to wear his hair.

Check out the video below for even more things men want from you during sex:


Tom Miller is a writer and performer based in New York. He's been a mechanical engineer and a banker. He's been the general manager and coordinating video producer at YourTango for 11 years. He's probably listening to Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" as we speak.