How To Tell He's Not Into You, According To Relationship Experts

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signs he's not into you

They've seen it all before.

It sounds cliché to say, but sometimes, he's just not that into you. Sometimes, we feel like we've done everything right. We're supportive, we're sensitive, we're generous with our time and our bodies, and we lend a kind ear.

And still, they don't respect us or that time. We make them a priority while they make us an option. And when the time comes, we question it, but we're wrong then, too.

Sometimes we don't want to see the signs that someone doesn't actually care about us as much as we want them to. But those signs he's not into you are there if you are ready to see them.

1. You're the one who starts all communication.

"If you're the one initiating all or most of the conversations, then he's not feeling it. When a guy is interested he'll pursue you," says Antonia Hall, MA., psychologist, relationship expert, and sexpert.

RELATED: The Fail-Proof Way To Tell If A Guy REALLY Likes You

2. He gives delayed responses.

It takes almost no time to reply a text. "If he continually has major gaps in replying you, then he's not that invested in you," says Hall.

3. He only contacts you late at night.

"If you only hear from him after hours, then he's all about the hookup and doesn't have a true desire to get to know more than your naked body," says Hall.

4. He puts you off.

"When a guy is genuinely interested he doesn't need days to check his schedule," Hall advises. "Someone who wants to see you is going to lock that date down."

5. His attention is elsewhere when you are together. 

Someone interested in getting to know you and making you a part of their life will keep their attention on you when you're together.

"If he's constantly checking his phone and needing to reply a quick text or email, then he's a workaholic or juggling women. Either way, you're not his true focus and it will never lead to a fulfilling relationship," says Hall.

6. He doesn't ask about you. 

"If he spends most of his time telling you about himself and his life, he's probably a narcissist. These attention-seekers are not interested in anyone but themselves, so cut your losses early," says Hall.

7. He almost never divulges anything about himself. 

"It might be nice to have someone show lots of interest in you and your life, but if he isn't telling you about his life, he has things to hide — probably a girlfriend," advises Hall.

8. He keeps you a secret. 

Does he always take you to places that are out of the way? Have you never met anyone from his life? If not, these are signs he's not into you.

"These are big red flags that indicate that he's keeping you a secret, and you're not only not significant in his life. You'll never be his significant other," warns Hall.

9. He starts hanging out with other people in his social sphere more than he does with you. 

Whether it's his friends, or staying "late at work" more and more often, it should be clear that you aren't a priority.

"He only initiates a date with you when he wants sex, but isn’t interested in hanging out with you or having a conversation otherwise," says Bonnie Winston, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert.

10. He starts making up excuses NOT to have sex with you. 

He’s "too full from dinner" or he has to "wake up early for work" the next day when none of these things kept him from jumping on you before. That's a clear sign.

11. He doesn't discuss the future with you.

He used to talk about the next vacation you two were going to take or how you’d eventually move to the suburbs to raise your kids. "But these days it seems like all your plans revolve around the routine present," says Winston.

RELATED: Why Asking 'Does He Like Me?' Will NEVER Help You Find Love

12. He’s always on his phone when you’re at a restaurant.

"Instead of staring into your eyes for hours, he’s staring at his Instagram feed. Every text ping seems to interrupt your conversation and he’s responding instead of concentrating on you," warns Winston.

13. He jerks away when you move toward him.

"Human beings are instinctual animals. We are motived by the primitive part of our brains that are highly adept at telling us the truth regarding basic drives like sexual attraction, hunger, and physical safety. If he jerks away from your romantic advances, pay close attention," says Paul L. Hokemeyer, J.D., Ph.D.

14. He gets miserly around money.

Money and how it flows in relationships is a form of communication. "If he stops being gracious with it, it's very well a sign that he doesn't see much value in you and your relationship," says Hokemeyer.

15. He disrespects your friends and family.

"Your people are extensions of you and should be honored as such. He needn't like everyone but he does need to respect your judgment and choices in how you react to them. If he doesn't, it's a sign he doesn't respect you," warns Hokemeyer.

16. He gets sloppy with his appearance and behavior.

Sure the two-day beard is hot, but poor hygiene and a slovenly appearance are not. If he cares about you, he needs to care about how he appears when he's around you. Also, getting drunk and other compulsive behaviors are signs that he cares much more about his hedonistic desires than you. 

17. He tells little white lies or big obvious lies.

If he disregards the truth, he disregards you and the integrity of your relationship. "Genuine concern, especially

"Genuine concern, especially concern for a person with whom we have an intimate relationship, requires truth and vulnerability. If he can't give it, then he can't be trusted with your romantic vulnerability," says Hokemeyer.


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Aly Walansky is a NY-based lifestyles writer. Her work appears in dozens of digital and print publications regularly. Visit her on Twitter or email her at