You suck... and not in a good way.
By Christine Schoenwald — Written on May 05, 2017
How good are you really at giving blowjobs? Are you one of those people who is never happier than when they have a penis in their mouth, or is it one of your least favorite things to do?
You can be honest. Oral isn’t for everybody but it does bring a lot of enjoyment to one’s partner, so it’s not a bad idea to get comfortable with it. You shouldn’t ever feel as if you’re forced to give oral because then not only won’t you be having fun, but neither will your partner.
There are some who say that there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob, but in reality, there are a lot of bad blowjobs and a lot of people who honestly suck at them. If blowjobs aren’t really your thing, you might think about ways in which you can improve.
Of course, that’s step one: admitting that you could use some help with your oral technique. There’s no shame in wanting to get better at pleasing your partner; in fact, it shows that you’re willing to learn and improve and it’s a great way to show your partner that you actually care about what you do to them.
Attitude can make a huge difference in how you give oral. If you would rather be anywhere than between someone’s legs, then your performance is going to suffer. If you’re just going through the motions and are praying that your partner reaches their climax quickly and cleanly, it’s not going to be included in the "All-Time Greatest Blowjobs" list.
If oral isn’t something you enjoy, you need to find some element about it that you do like. Perhaps it’s knowing that you are in control of your partner’s pleasure/orgasm, or maybe you find that in the 69 position you feel much more motivated to give as good as you get.
As usual, astrology has something to say about your oral technique. Here’s why you’re the worst at blowjobs, according to your zodiac sign.
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
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Whoa, you're way too impatient. It's obvious that you're thinking that he should hurry up and ejaculate. How many times can you take a break and ask, "Are you getting close?" It's clear there are about a million other things you wish you were doing; you just want to get this blowjob off your to-do list and do something else. Slow down! You're not doing anybody any good by trying to rush him.
Read: The 13 Brutal Truths About Loving An Aries, As Written By One
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
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You give a blowjob the way you do many things: with slow, gentle, and methodical movements. There's no excitement there or really any passion. You're basically going through the motions as if once it's done, then you can do the more sensual things that you like. Mix it up, add in some hands, speed variations, and treat his penis as if it's a delicious treat.
Read: The 5 Brutal Truths About Loving A Taurus, As Written By One
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
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Do you always talk with your mouth full? Some dirty talk is great but you won't shut up. It's as if you're deliberately trying to distract yourself from the matter at hand. Try to find a good balance between erotic talk and being the wrong kind of motor-mouth.
Read: The 13 Brutal Truths About Loving A Gemini, As Written By One
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
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You act as if ejaculate was acid and you want nothing to do with it. Okay, swallowing is a big issue and it's up to you how you want to handle it, but don't act as if it's going to burn holes into your skin. You make a huge production out of cleaning it up with tissues that it makes everything really unsexy fast. Make peace with semen.
Read: The 5 Brutal Truths About Loving A Cancer, As Written By One
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
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You think you know all the porn star moves but it's easy to tell you're not really into it. If you don't feel comfortable deepthroating, then don't do it. You don't have to prove anything. You don't ask him what he wants, you just assume that you know what he likes. In this instance, it's not about you, it's about him. No, it's not enough that you look good doing it!
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
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Somewhere in all your research, you read about how sensitive the tip of the penis is and you decided that would be your entire focus — just the tip. You ignore the balls, you don't use your hands, you just concentrate on that small part of the penis. Your focus is too narrow and instead of giving some satisfying oral, you're only frustrating him. It's far better to experiment and make mistakes rather than be perfect.
Read: 7 Brutal Truths About Loving A Virgo (As Written By A Virgo)
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
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Variety is great but just as he starts to get into a groove, you change it up again. It's as if you have a blowjob agenda and you have to do everything or you'll get an incomplete. Try to be sensitive to how his body is reacting and go off that. You don't have to do all your tricks every single time.
Read: 11 Brutal Truths About Loving A Libra, As Written By One
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
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You use too much pressure and you're too rough. You hold on to his penis as if it's trying to get away from you and you squeeze it too tightly. Sometimes it feels as if you're going to pull his dick right off. Rough sex might be what you love but it's not what his penis loves, especially when you cause it pain instead of pleasure.
Read: 14 Brutal Truths About Loving A Scorpio, As Written By One
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
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Your head is not into giving head. You're too sloppy, there isn't enough energy behind your movements, and you're obviously not in tune with how he's feeling. Do you feel that it's too intimate? You want to please your partner but not enough to pay attention to his reactions.
Read: 7 Brutal Truths About Loving A Sagittarius, As Written By One
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
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You won't experiment or take any safe risks with your blowjob. You do it the same way every time, in a bed, with no variation. You treat it exactly like it's a job and while you're very serious about it, it doesn't seem as if you're enjoying yourself at all. Why not surprise him with a new location and some new moves? It will be better for you too if you change things up.
Read: 7 Brutal Truths About Loving A Capricorn, As Written By One
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
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Your blowjob is way too toothy. No one likes it when you scrape your teeth up and down their shaft. A little bit of teeth may be okay but not constant biting and chewing — that's ouchy to the point of distraction.
Read: 7 Brutal Truths About Loving An Aquarius, As Written By One
PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
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Oddly, for a water sign, you don't use enough spit and tend to give a dry kind of blowjob. Saliva is like lube, it makes it easier to slide up and down with your tongue and your mouth. Sure, it's a little messy but that's part of the enjoyment. Wet is always better than dry as the Mojave.
Read: 7 Brutal Truths About Loving A Pisces, As Written By One
