This 'Smart' Condom Tracks EVERYTHING His Penis Does

Because the world is slowly turning into a dystopian future where robots rule and humans try to lead an eventual uprising, there is now a FitBit for your man's penis. 

That's right, there's a smart condom. That's a thing. And it's here to make your dude feel a whole new and inexperienced level of self-loathing and self-consciousness when it comes to his penis, the soft yet hard friend who lives in his pants. 

Meet the i.Con. Don't let the name fool you, this "smart condom" is not something to which you should build an altar. It's part of the robotic revolution — and we should all be very, very, afraid.

Penises of the world: tremble. 

Here's the deal, the i.Con is a regular condom except it has a ring that men slide up their penis until it reaches the base of their shaft.

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Once in place, you guys have sex like normal (which is only going to be challenging if you find knowing that your boyfriend has a robot on the shaft of his penis recording your sex session uncomfortable). 

British Condoms, the manufacturer of the i.Con says that this smart condom records all of the following data during sex. 

- Calories burned during sexual intercourse

- Speed of thrusts

- Total number of thrusts

- Frequency of sessions

- Total duration of sessions

- Average velocity of thrusts

- Girth measurement

- Different positions used (currently BETA testing — will have more info in a release coming soon)

- Average skin temperature

So, you know, the next time you're going to pound town with your man and you find yourself worried that his penis might not be the right temperature, get on the i.Con, I guess?

I am all for recording information about ourselves and our sex lives, especially if it helps us better understand our own bodies, but when does it become straight up too much?

i.Con

What are we supposed to do with this information once we have it? Like, "Sorry Dave, we have to break up. The velocity of your thrusts is too low for me." 

It seems like a recipe for instant insecurity. When I'm having sex, I just want to be focused on my partner and on the sensations itself. The idea of my partner focusing solely on his performance for the benefit of robotic condom sounds completely demoralizing. 

Not to mention all the privacy issues. If this information is being recorded, who can get access to it? I do not need Big Condom having information about my man's penis, amiright? 

And finally, lest we forget, if this is the FitBit of the penis, you know that means that men will start competing with each other over stuff like girth and how long they last. This is why we can't have nice things.