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How People Are Using VIBRATORS To Cheat At Pokemon Go

Photo: WeHeartIt
masturbation vibrator pokemon go
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You can apparently hatch eggs at RECORD SPEEDS.

My obsession with Pokemon Go officially now involves my vibrator

Things aren't unhealthy, guys. 

I mean, I've never been healthier if we're talking literally. All of the walking I do to catch rare Pokemon and to hatch Pokemon eggs on top of my usual gym routine has basically turned me into some very nerdy minor superhero. 

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The game is everywhere right now, and for every person rolling their eyes at folks dashing into oncoming traffic to snatch up Pikachu, there are those applauding how the game was made physical fitness appealing to folks who might otherwise just be hanging around their homes playing Dragon Age and arguing over who is superior, Superman or Batman (clearly it is Batman).

I've maybe just described... myself? Moving on.

But verily, laziness is a powerful thing. What we human beings won't do to avoid exertion has yet to be entirely quantified. I cannot tell you how often I'm like "you don't really NEED a bowl to eat spaghetti" simply because I cannot be arsed to do the dishes almost ever. True story: I have been known to remove my shirt before eating ice cream JUST IN CASE I dirty said shirt and am forced to wash it. 

Having learned just how lazy I am, it means something when I say that this newest hack Pokemon Go users have found to hatch Pokemon Go eggs without getting up off their butts is total genius. 

Apparently, vibrators aren't just for masturbation anymore. 

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That's right, some brilliant pervert discovered that if you place your vibrator (in the on position) on top of your phone, you can trick the Pokemon Go app into believing that you are walking. Presumably you will also be introducing your phone to the wonders of masturbation. Is like, the iPhone's main button the clit in this scenario? Anyone?

This trick DOES work, but it's not really that effective. It takes 10 minutes of phone vibing to con your device into thinking you've walked just 400 meters. At that rate it can take up to three hours to hatch an egg. 

I mean, that's handy if you've got the flu or a particularly cruel boss who does not believe in leaving you chair all day, but by and large you'll hatch more eggs faster just by actually getting up off your backside and walking around as the game intended.

I know, it makes me sad too. 

The silver lining in this is that you'll never have to choose between masturbation and Pokemon Go, the ultimate Sophie's choice. 

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