6 Ways To Be The Kind Of Guy EVERY Girl Wants To Sleep With

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The Sorta Secret Of Getting Laid

It's unlikely that I'll ever read The Game or anything by a man with a goatee who "bangs down oodles of primo tail." Reading? Pfft, they'll make a 60-part TV series if it's good enough. Also, I'm not interested in financing the kind of person whose lifestyle actively promotes "peacocking."

There's a good chance that you're reading this because you need a little help getting laid or you want to become really mad, and anything herein will be akin to gasoline on a hibachi. Getting laid isn't especially hard. I've had intercourse with around a dozen women and if we're including outercourse, the number probably goes up to a baker's dozen. But it does take some amount of effort.

People have one-night stands all the time. Why not you? Here's some advice on how to make it happen

The DON'Ts:

1. Don't be smelly.


This should go without saying, but smelling too much, good or bad, is a problem. Don't.

2. Don't be too drunk.

Far be it for me to tell someone not to be too drunk, but there's a minimum of five reasons not to let yourself or your prospective partner become too intoxicated. So, just don't.

3. Don't be mean.


Legend has it that "negging," making comments in order to lower someone's self-esteem, has had the effect of parting underpants from their owner through trickery. Frankly, it's weak. Try being actually nice, and not fake nice.

4. Don't be boring.

This is a tricky one. It's like telling someone to not be uncharming. If you're like most people I've ever met, you're probably pretty boring. And you're reading this, so... At any rate, everyone has at least one really great story which can be geared for this situation. Remember to keep it brief, funny, detailed, and make sure that it makes you look both kind-hearted and a little silly.

5. Don't be a godd*mn baby.


There's a chance your interest won't be reciprocated. Rather than getting upset about it, chin up and realize that she's one of those book-for-its-cover types who isn't even interested in turning you over and seeing the blurb on the back. That doesn't hurt. What does hurt is being dumped by someone who knows the real you and isn't interested in a relationship with you.

6. Don't be a quitter.

"I'm just hanging out with my girls" sometimes means, "Hey, we'll be done catching up in like 45 minutes or an hour. Maybe we can have that drink in a minute. K? Thanks." Persistence that stays on the happy side of annoying/creepy/stalking is a good thing. While a person probably isn't actively making you work for anything, effort is appreciated.

The DOs:

1. Be generous in general.


Yes, buying drinks is generous but it's sort of a self-interested generosity. The tricky thing is to not let magnanimity become its own currency. Just because you let someone skip you in the line for the toilet doesn't mean that person owes you a hand jibber.

More than one friend has a story about letting someone take a cab that resulted in splitting that cab, which resulted in two destinations turning into one destination. Life, like getting laid, is a numbers game, and altruism eventually turns the numbers in your favor. That said, don't be a f*cking sucker.

2. Be content.

I'm not saying to aim low, but don't attempt to upgrade when the "conventionally more attractive" friend of your possible paramour shows a hint of interest. Maybe said-friend is genuinely interested and maybe that friend just needs attention.

Either way, an attempted move at this point may end up with some chipped teeth and a few Facebook unfriendings. An attempted threesome at this point may also be out of your skill level, but I like where your head is.

3. Be present.


Even if you're a master at this kind of thing, some of it is luck. Luck gets better the more chances you give yourself. Fishing where the fish are (fish being potential sex partners in this metaphor) is relatively important. Samesies for being present, both in the the physical and paying attention sense. Yelp or some other internet thing should help you find the hot spots nearest you.

4. Be tactile.

This borderlines on some pickup artist sh*t, but make benign physical contact. Use some not-creepy sense about what benign entails; think hands and shoulders and be prepared to back off immediately. Please don't pull off invisible lint or a make-a-wish eyelashes.

You're on the right track if that touch is reciprocated. Of course, an eventual interlocked 'cause-you're-my-whole-world-right-now handhold should pretty much signal that this is on.

5. Be a dancer.


If you're not Usher or one of those kids I keep seeing on Instagram, you're probably not much of a dancer. It's fine. Even your friend who took "some tap and ballet and a little jazz" is probably a 4 out of 10, and that's being generous.

However, dancing releases endorphins (possibly even in people-watching... my research is incomplete). It also shows you don't take yourself too seriously. Finally, a touch of pelvic rhythm may indicate that things in the boudoir aren't too shabby.

6. Be fun.

Sh*t, man, it doesn't get much more fun than sex. Yes, we sometimes have one-night stands for other reasons like loneliness, a place to stay, or a lost bet but generally it's to have a fleeting, super-fun connection with a single-serving friend.

Unless there's some unstoppable biological magnetism between you that completely circumvents all cognitive processes, you'll need to at least pretend to be the kind of person who may be fun to get breakfast with the next morning.

Sorry that there were no tricks in this post. Outside of some Professor X-level brainwashing, there's not really a way to bone down someone who isn't interested. And frankly, I'd imagine that the sexing would be pretty mediocre.

For real, though, holding hands (provided you're not Johnny or Jenny Palm Sweat) is a good way to kick things into the next gear.

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