Self, Sex

If Your Sex Life Is Bad, Stop Overthinking It And Just Go F*ck

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over thinker

What's the world coming to when the creator of Sex and the City, and one of the foremost sex writers we have, is saying that sex has gotten bad? Because Candace Bushnell did in an interview that's not online.

She remembers a time when men were grateful to be with a woman. OK, let's tackle that first. Bushnell is probably right: Men take us for granted. But I think it's more that humans take each other for granted.

How many people are you really working to appreciate on a more-than-superficial level? And how often are you just with yourself, not worrying about your every move?

The highlight reel world of social media and the constant stream of content about how to be more, better, sexier, hotter, with fuller eyebrows and a heart-shaped bush is only making us all think that everyone sucks, ourselves included.

But, back to her point: I never want to be in the position of expecting someone to be grateful for sex.

What makes sex fun is that it's something we do with and for each other, whether we love each other, like each other, or just need to bang.

If there's a mutual hat tip at the end, cool. But I don't need you to be grateful to me. I want us both to be grateful that we’re alive and just did something pleasing and chemical and connected and human.

I'm bored with the notion that sex is a gift or a treat, or something we women withhold when he's "in the doghouse." F*ck that! It's sitcom wife sh*t and I hate it.

Sex is our biological imperative as hot-blooded mammals.

To Bushnell's point that it's not fun anymore, the reason is due to all of the above.

Why are we thinking about it so much? Why are we worried about all the details of an act that should be down and dirty? And, no, dirty doesn't have to mean "dirty." Here, I mean it as stripped a little bare, exposed, or raw, no matter how tender you might want it.

Sex is the one thing I do where I let my brain shut the hell up. And I've always been that way, not just with a caring and loving partner.

I don't care, and never have, if the lights are on, if I'm to loud or too quiet, if my vagina looks lopsided, or that I should be wearing lingerie and lighting candles.

Not to say I'm not for setting a scene sometimes, but sex has gotten bad, it's because we're over-thinking it and setting crazy expectations, instead of just losing ourselves to the moment.

I'm all for trying new things and mixing it up, but I've never had anxiety about why I can't master the Downhill Skiier position from Cosmo's Christmas issue, or if my 'O' face is as hot as Karlie Kloss' would be. (Sometimes I'm thinking about Karlie Kloss, though.)

Watch a nature special — do any of the animals look like they're worrying about what they look like from behind or if the lion king is going to think she's slutty the next day?

If sex is bad, it's because we've lost that connection to our animalistic selves.

Bushnell is right: we are comparing ourselves to sexuality that's too plastic and airbrushed. But it's not just from porn; we're barraged by imagery of the perfect life, and we're letting it seep down deep and change the parts of us that should be wild.

We started in the wild, and no matter how refined, anxious, high-strung, or laidback you are, sex is your chance to tap into it.

Just f*ck.

Just make love.

Just do it.

And be grateful that you can.

Thank the universe for willing partners, consenting adults, interlocking parts, erogenous zones, lips, tongues and the rest. (And contraceptives.)

Save Instagram for your food and vacation pics. #nofilter #noshame