Love, Zodiac

The HARD Truth About Loving A Virgo

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Virgos: I Don't Hate Them

To begin, let me open with complete and honest reverie: I love the sh*t out of some Virgos. No, seriously. I love them. That having been said, they're not everyone's favorite by any means. There's a reason for this: A lot of people don't "get" Virgos. I do. But I get them.

Now that we've cleared that up, I'll try to be objective. There are three brands of Virgo and most Virgos are two of these at any given time, though usually not three which is good for the rest of us.

1. The raging d-bag Virgo who is, without question, better than you.


I've witnessed these gems to mostly be born in late August, oddly enough. They are holier-than-thou prick bags. (Can you tell I'm related to one?) These Virgos will literally walk into a person's house and say, "I can't believe people live like this." No, seriously.

They'll have kids and then when in a restaurant with their high school buddies, pretend not to know their own daughter when she and her mother sit at the table across from him. They'll marry a woman in order to get "on the will" in the hopes of one day inheriting the poor lady's house, and they'll let a woman believe they love and cherish her for decades, only to leave her ass when homeowner woman comes along, admitting they "never really loved" the woman who stood by them through thick and thin.

I have to be clear on this one: These Virgos are rare and they were both born in August on the cusp of Leo. Apparently, the Leo/Virgo mix can result in douchery. Moving on.

2. The social jackass/goofball Virgo


Now, there are different degrees to the social jackass Virgo, but in many cases their traits are abrasive behavior, loud-mouthery, and making fools of themselves. And by abrasive behavior I mean they LOVE to push buttons. (Almost as much as Capricorns.) They absolutely LOVE it. Can't control it. And in many cases, they are trying to push your buttons to see what your response will be and whether you'll dish it out, too.

If you do, they LOVE you. If you don't, and they liked you and find out they hurt your feelings or drove you batsh*t and you now don't like them, it will bother them forever. OR they won't give a rat's ass if you like them or not (so they'll say) and they'll look forward to messing with you upon the next encounter.

They often times have no idea that they are making the wrong impression upon others because they don't recognize their means of expression as unusual. They are the BIGGEST goofballs of the zodiac. I swear to God, Disney's Goofy is a Virgo. No wonder he's always been my favorite.

3. The witty knight in shining armor Virgo


Dear god these cats can dish out some one-liners. If you're a prick and you say something stupid around a Virgo, he will not only call attention to it but he'll do it with a smile on his face and with a tone that can often lead you to think he's being friendly. Sarcasm was invented by Virgos.

I'd probably swoon when a Virgo starts sh*, because it is usually with such a cavalier and fearless attitude that you want to cringe at the antagonistic event, but at the same time want to watch as they slaughter someone fearlessly. And they will slaughter someone.

Many Virgos are very kind-hearted and sweet natured but put a Virgo in a room with a man beating his girlfriend and watch what happens. Verbally, a Virgo won't back down from a fight and oftentimes, will physically get invovled to.

Two of the biggest badasses I've ever known in life were both born under this sign. They'll happily announce at full volume what an asshole you are after you let a door slam in an elderly woman's face, with no fear of you hearing and responding.

They're ready to throw down. And the best part of their badassery  unlike fire signs who need you to know what they're capable of  you might go years without knowing your Virgo friend could literally kill a man with his bare hands without breaking a sweat.

Chivalry and kindness are at the core of every Virgo but they will put a fist through your face if you mess with their friends, woman, or any helpless person. Virgo is not an innocent bystander. Virgo gets involved.

If you have any talent of any kind, show the Virgo. He or she will absolutely revere you for it. They will support whatever gifts you have and blow smoke up your ass for them when you least expect it.


I recently found out one of my favorite Virgos (who had seen me win a karaoke contest by singing "Somebody to Love" by Queen) talked about my performance on a regular basis to other people. When he brought it up around me, I always thought he was being a Virgo and picking on me for doing karaoke at all, and I would pick on him back.

When I heard he'd been telling others of my singing, I was touched to a point I'd never seen coming. They don't joke about skill, especially if you're good at something they are not.

Oddly enough, most Virgos are harboring some crazy talent as well, and often times, they'll never show it. Guitar playing, singing, writing, disassembling a rifle blindfolded (that one is sexy as hell) they're all harboring an arsenal of things they CAN do, they just don't always feel the need to share. One of the many reasons I love them.

Do you need help planning your wedding, advice on the outfit you should wear, a business proposal written up? Ask your female Virgo friend. My old Virgo roommate often joked with me that I wanted her to manage my life. She would have if I sincerely needed it. Let's be real: I'm an Aries, I probably should have taken her up on that.

Need help building an Ikea bookshelf, a rocket launcher, a house? Call your male Virgo friend. Dude, he will paint your house, clear your gutters, rebuild your '69 Chevy, all because you show signs of either not knowing how to do it yourself or seem overwhelmed by the idea of doing it yourself. Virgos are seriously Knights in Shining Armor in this respect as much as in their rescuing tendency.

Remember this: appreciate them. Just because they'll always come running when you're in need doesn't mean they won't resent it if you act "entitled." Worship them for this tendency and always say thank you, and they'll keep coming to your aide. (They're suckers for good manners, too.)


I once had a dream that I'd been nailed by some meathead playing football body slammed to the ground, had the wind knocked out of me, and my camera shattered on the ground. When I opened my mouth to scream, there was no air to make a sound with and panic set in, only forcing me to want to scream louder. No sound. Thought I was dying.

Suddenly, I felt someone descend upon me in a concerned rush, felt their arms around me as they lifted me and held me, then heard them say calmly, "Take a breath, baby. Just breathe." I woke from that dream with the sudden absolute conviction that I'm going to marry a Virgo. I've informed the cosmos.

Now, the pain in the ass things about Virgos (outside of the prick bag ones I mentioned before, which in their case, it's the fact they exist that is the drawback) are as follows:

1. They are incredibly critical.


Give a Virgo the most delicious chocolate mousse, prime rib, apple pie, (insert delectable thing here), and their response will be: "I don't hate it." "It's not bad." "That's fine." Seriously, growing up with a Virgo mother was hell for this very reason. Say something nice!

They're so critical but they can't freakin' help it. Now, to be fair, if it really is amazing, they will say so, but if it's just OK or they've had better, you're not getting the response you want and you should just accept it. They might try to force a good response if they know not doing so will result in a negative outcome, but it does no good. They don't lie well when it comes to their opinion. Watch the face they make.

2. Their problems are worse than yours.

Seriously, I love them, but when they're upset, worried, down trodden, you not only know it but they will assure you that the world is ending and it will never get better. This can carry into other forms of self-flagellation.

The Virgo actors I've known have a tendency to say, "I suck," "I can't do this," or "I should just quit." Though they'll never admit it, but when they say those things, they need affirmation. They need to hear that they're talented and wonderful and when they don't get it, they will seek it.

Oddly enough, in all other walks of life I HATE this behavior. When a Virgo does it, for some reason I immediately tell them exactly what I think, which is 90 percent of the time positive, no punches pulled, tell them to shut the hell up, stop being such a Virgo, and they do. They not only stop, but they usually smile.

The "quit being such a Virgo" approach works with their criticism, their button-pushing, and their belly-aching. 

3. They are extremely stubborn.


If you know a Virgo, I don't need to elaborate. Still, I will share a secret I've learned about them. "I don't feel like it," can come out of a Virgo's mouth about anything going out, attending a party, going on the Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor ride at Disney World. If you argue, they've already made up their minds so don't even try. Unless you're sneaky like me.

4. They're desperate for your approval.

The answer to all your problems is this: tell them how desperately you want their company during a tedious event. Tell them it won't be as fun without them, that they make everything more fun and you'll miss them. Virgos are suckers for affection and being wanted. Aren't we all? Of course, but it's practically these bastards' kryptonite.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, make plans without them or concern for spending time with them, and they'll be hurt as though you took a hot poker to them. They're so sensitive. God, I just want to give a Virgo a hug right now, just thinking of it. Now, this only works if you're being sincere.

If you don't really worship them, 1) don't try this, you manipulative whore, and 2) you should probably not be spending time with them at all, because they deserve better. Whore. Sorry, I have a fondness for Virgos that is severe.

5. They crave affection.


This tendency of needing affection (and being stubborn) can result in a Virgo staying in a relationship that is long passed failed. Virgo males will tolerate a raging bitch for a good long time, even on the receiving end of verbal and emotional abuse, because they won't see it for what it is, and they are so devoted.

They can put their other half on such a pedestal that they don't see their font of worship is pissing on them from above, even after years of being unsatisfied. Again, I want to hug a Virgo right now. Oddly enough, the female Virgos are quicker to end failed relationships (though not by much), because a female Virgo WON'T take abuse.

It might be a gender role thing Virgo Men won't acknowledge the abuse because they're supposed to be MANLY providers (and they are), but a female Virgo will say, "Whatchu just say to me? Girl, hold my weave!" In the end, if pushed too far, a Virgo will leave, but it takes a serious amount of heathen behavior before they'll give up on something they believed in.

6. Their libidos are enormous.

They'll look at your boobs as often as your eyes when talking to you (if you have nice ones that is, and in some cases, even if you don't), they'll happily make that inappropriate comment, they'll cook for you and wash the dishes afterwards, and they'll follow you into hell if you need them.

They'll rub your feet after a long day, advise you on life choices even if you didn't ask, drink too much at social gatherings, and nit-pick any money spending you do. But they'll keep you safe, make you laugh, and stand by you no matter what.


This article was originally published at Sleep Before Waking. Reprinted with permission from the author.