Love, Sex

How To Keep The Mystery Alive In Your Relationship

Modern marriage is complicated. We have more to do each day than most of us can reasonably handle and the sense of busyness just keeps growing.

Some of this additional "stuff to do" evolved when we incorporated social media into our daily lives. We now interact (on our phones, computers and tablets) with far more people than we ever did when we relied on face-to-face relationships alone.

One of the hard consequences of this shift to perpetual busyness is that we have less time for the ones we intimately love.

Instead, we find our time swallowed up by our interactions with "friends" on Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and the like.

This behavioral shift has opened a Pandora's Box of trouble in our relationships, enticing people to seek out love and attention from exes and/or flirt with new romantic interests online WHILE they're involved with a significant other IRL.

As a result, most modern couples have a new requirement in marriage: total digital transparency.

According to's annual Singles In America survey, we want to safely pick up our partner's cell phone or innocently glance at their email without fearing that some stranger is lurking there trying to ruin our relationship. 

But, total digital transparency has a cost.

When we know EVERYTHING about our partner, there's no mystery left. Without mystery there is no attraction. And once attraction disappears, there's no juice to the relationship. You both get bored, feel lonely and THAT is when eyes begin to wander and the commitment and connection between you falters.

So, what's a modern couple to do? 

We asked Dr. Helen Fisher, the lead researcher in the Singles In America study, what she sees as the ideal balance between the need for transparency versus novelty in a relationship.

YourTango host and Senior VP Melanie Gorman joined Helen, along with relationship and communication expert Fiona Finematchmaker and dating coach Jasbina Ahluwalia; and author and dating coach Gregg Michaelsen to dig into exactly how a couple should (and shouldn't) approach indulging their need for novelty in this dicey digital climate.

Their answers may surprise you. The panel agrees — there is a fine line between secrecy and mystery (and secrecy is not good). 

Watch the video above to hear the Experts' wise recipe for keeping your relationship both magical and safe.

And if you need support in this area, you're not alone. So many couples struggle to make sense of how to bring more novelty into their lives without messing up their relationship.

But the pursuit is worthwhile because mystery truly is THE core ingredient to maintaining a healthy marriage over the long haul. Do what you can to keep things fresh in your relationship. It's so worth it!

Reach out to the Experts above if you need help with this (just click their names above to connect).