8 Things To Expect From 'Fifty Shades' Of Christian Grey

Photo: Universal Pictures
Jamie Dornan from Fifty Shades of Grey

In case you haven't gotten enough Fifty Shades Of Grey, EL James announced that she’s going to write a book that tells the story from Christian Grey's perspective! YAY! This is totally a creative move, and not a desperate attempt from a one trick pony to keep the gravy train flowing. I mean, there's clearly so much more story left to tell

Just kidding, this is a terrible idea. No one read Fifty Shades for the story. Everyone just read it for the sex scenes. There's not going to be any new sex, so who cares? It's just going to be more bad writing, this time poorly telling the story about a creepy man. Wasn't the whole appeal of Christian Grey that he was mysterious?

Look, this is a dumb idea, but it's going to happen. It will also probably sell a bunch of copies because our society is crumbling and there's no hope for salvation. Since there won't be any new sex, what will this book have? Here's what to expect from Grey, which is basically just Fifty Shades Of Christian Grey!

1. A lot of "Oh my God, I can't believe she's letting me do this!"

Seriously, Ana lets him get away with some weird stuff, and not even just in the bedroom. The sex contract, the computer and phone that he uses to stalk her — he must've been sitting there the whole time just thinking, "No way, I was just joking, but she’s actually going to let this happen?" Maybe he thinks he's being set up as some sort of elaborate prank, because no real person would ever act like Ana.

2. "Really, she’s never used email?"

If someone told me that they had never used email, I wouldn't think that they were innocent. I'd leave the room and never talk to that person again. For some reason, Christian Grey thought this was a turn on. He was like, "She's never used email? I HAVE TO HAVE HER!"

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3. Christian making an S&M shopping list

At one point, Christian turns up at a hardware store and buys a bunch of "supplies" for his "play room." I want to see this scene from his perspective, before he goes to the store and he has to make a shopping list. I want to see him going through his BDSM gear and going "This chain is a little worn out, better get a new one. Do I have enough whips? What about candles?"

4. A bunch of normal girls refusing to sign the BDSM contract and non disclosure agreement

The weirdest part of the whole story is the non disclosure agreement Christian makes Ana sign. Most normal girls would see that and be like, "You're clearly some sort of maniac, and no. Not at all." I want to see Christian Grey get turned down by so many people that it makes sense that he'd be desperate enough to find "lack of email usage" to be attractive.

5. Christian asking the guy at Best Buy how to install spy software onto the laptop and phone

Christian sends Ana a laptop and cell phone so that they can talk, but he also uses them to check on her constantly. That’s pretty insane. Did he know how to install that stuff himself, or did he need help? When he was buying the computer, did he know which one was the best one to use for stalking? I bet he needed some help, and it led to the most uncomfortable conversation ever for some poor salesman making minimum wage.

6. Christian practicing spanking on a mannequin
This one is pretty self explanatory. Christian puts a lot of work into getting Ana to sleep with him, so I have to imagine that he doesn’t have a lot of options. Still, you have to keep in shape. Practice makes perfect, right?

7. People that are actually into BDSM yelling at him

One of the main critiques about the story is that it doesn't accurately represent BDSM culture. Bring that into the story! Show Christian trying to work his way into the culture, and then getting yelled at for being a creep and a psycho.

8. Christian sitting around doing nothing because he's only defined by sex

Finally, show how lonely Christian Grey's life actually is. He has no other real defining features other than mommy issues and the fact that he likes kinky sex. Well, guess what? That doesn’t make you interesting. Everyone has sexual preferences, you also need a hobby. Christian clearly doesn’t have one. He probably just sits still on his bed until whatever college virgin he's duping decides to call him up. He's not really a person, just a lonely shell trying to fill the void with whips and chains.