The 3 Biggest Mistakes You Make When Trying To Help Your Husband

holding hands

Put the brakes on what you are doing. It ain't working.

I see it all the time. Wife drags husband into counseling. He comes begrudgingly. She's frustrated and so wants a better relationship. He's okay with the way things are… sort of...

Sadly, both the man and the woman aren't happy, nor are they getting their needs met.

Typically (but not always) the woman leads the charge for change, wanting more. The man, due to his male conditioning, convinces himself he's "fine" with the way things are, but deep down he's hurting. Sound familiar?

If you are a woman in this situation, you've probably tried everything, right? You're frustrated and feeling unmet, unseen, and misunderstood. You probably long for a deeper connection… and, you deserve it (so does he, but he's not the one leading the charge). So, here's the deal. Put the brakes on what you are doing. It ain't working.

The 3 mistakes are EHH. (Try saying that. It sounds bad right? It sounds like you just ate something gross.)

The first big mistake

E: Expecting him to be who you want him to be.

When you expect your man to live up to your unrealistic expectations, he will disappoint you every single time. Learn when it is okay to have expectations of him and when it's not.

I get it. You want him to reach his potential, that's why you love him. But this is HURTING your relationship.

The second big mistake you're making

H: Hoping he will change and hoping your relationship will get better.

I see this one all the time. Hoping everything will get better. Hoping your man will wake up one day with a grand epiphany that he loves you and wants to learn and grow alongside with you to make your marriage better!

Not so much.

Using hope to improve your relationship is like hoping you make more money in your life or hoping you get happier—just by hoping! That will get you where you are—frustrated, fed up, and feeling like a victim.

The third big mistake your making

H: Helping him when he's not asking for it.

Ever try to stop an alcoholic friend from drinking every day? It doesn't work and if it does temporarily, they are quitting for you, not themselves. The only way for a person to get sober is on their own. You can't do it for them.

Your husband doesn't want help. If he did, he'd ask for it. Treat him like a grown up and trust that if, and when, he needs help, he will ask. It's a small act of aggression on your part trying to help him when he never asked.

Okay, instead of EHH, try this:

  • Take command of your life.
  • Stop talking to your girlfriends about this issue. They can't help you here. Most of them are colluding with your approach. Venting to your therapist also doesn't do much.
  • Stop focusing on him so much. This is part of the problem. Get your attention back on you.
  • Get empowered. Only disempowered women "hang in there" with stuck men. Once you are empowered, a big shift will happen.
  • Try a different approach like this one.

Once you finally get sick of EHH (and, it's supposed to make you sick), you'll try a smarter way, one that gets results.

And that day, will be a day to celebrate, with or without your man.

This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.