67 Quirky 'New Girl' Quotes That Are So Relatable

Because we're all a little quirky on the inside.

jess day new girl quote

From the minute Jessica Day, Zooey Deschanel's character in New Girl, appeared on our screens, we probably all let out a sigh of relief that we finally had a character we related to.

Whether it's her phenomenal fashion sense (because we all know that Deschanel brings her A-game, let's be honest) or the way she earnestly cracks her ridiculous puns, there's something about Jess Day that makes us feel like she's one of us.


And it's not just her — every episode leaves me in tears because of the amount of seriously funny New Girl quotes that she and the cast as a whole dish out.

Everything about this show is just spot on — which makes it really hard to actually take a break and leave the couch (because missing out on New Girl reruns should be against the law).

RELATED: New Love Alert! Property Brother Jonathan Scott And Zooey Deschanel Pack On PDA In New Relationship


That being said, this roundup of funny New Girl quotes from Jess, Nick, Winston, Schmidt, Coach, and Cece that are totally relatable will hit you right in the feels. They don't make TV shows like this anymore!

Jess Day Quotes

1. "If you feel things getting sexual, say, 'Shut it down!'" —Jess Day

2. "And if you want to get with me, you’re gonna have to get with my friends." —Jess Day

3. "Oh my gosh. Look, it's food. I love food." —Jess Day

4. "I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea." —Jess Day

jess day new girl quote

5. "I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person. It freaks me out." —Jess Day

6. "I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone." —Jess Day

7. "I can drink at 11:00…a.m." —Jess Day

8. "Well, I guess I can’t hide my crazy." —Jess Day

9. "My boobs are loving this unemployed thing. They don’t have to go to boob jail every day." —Jess Day

10. "I’m gonna end up alone. I’m gonna be a single old lady, flashing people on the subway." —Jess Day

11. "I missed the moment when everybody got cool about sex." —Jess Day

12. "Ugh, couples! Boo. Hiss." —Jess Day

13. “I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.” — Jess Day

jess day new girl quote


14. “Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, put on pants.” — Jess

Nick Miller Quotes

15. “I like getting older, I feel like I’m aging into my personality.” — Nick Miller

16. “You know what sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you for way too long. They’ve got too much on you. I want friends who still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.” — Nick Miller

17. Nick: “I’m sorry we’re not going this weekend.”
Jess: “But It’s free.”
Nick: “Did you say free?”
Jess: “Yeah.”
Nick: “We’re 100% in. I’ll go pack now.”

18. “I’ve got two perfectly good forks on the end of my arms.” — Nick Miller

19. “I want to kill you, because I respect you. Jess! I think I understand hunting!” — Nick Miller

20. “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.”  — Nick Miller

nick miller new girl quote

21. “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.” — Nick Miller

22. “Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind it’s just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.” — Nick Miller

23. “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.” — Nick Miller

RELATED: 78 Schitt's Creek Quotes To Make You Feel Like The Rose Family’s Bébé

Winston Bishop Quotes

24. “If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?” — Winston Bishop

winston bishop new girl quote


25. Winston: “That’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends.”
Nick: “They’re not best friends.”
Winston: “Come on, everybody knows they’re best friends."

26. “Can I interest you in some white noise?” — Winston Bishop

27. “Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!” — Winston Bishop

28. “There’s nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.” — Winston Bishop

29. “You know, sometimes I feel like I’ve never really felt love.” — Winston Bishop

30. “You know what I learned from the internet? We’ve got nothing to worry about.” — Winston Bishop

31. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was my fault that your life sucks and you’re so miserable.” — Winston Bishop

winston bishop new girl quote

32. “I got my own damn cake and you can’t have none!” — Winston Bishop

33. “Sometimes when you make a mistake, all you can do is own up to it, all right?” — Winston Bishop

34. “I’m just feeling a little insecure about my body… and the way it is connected to my face.” — Winston Bishop

35. "You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost." — Winston Bishop

Schmidt Quotes

36. “Why can’t I have the things that I want?!” — Schmid

37. “If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!” — Schmidt

38. “There are plenty of things to be down about: The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn’t very good…” — Schmidt

39. “Damp towel. Damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever!” — Schmidt

schmidt new girl quote


40. “You’re making me cry with emotions!” — Schmidt

41. “Please don’t mistake my measured bank tone for calmness, as I am filled with waters of rage.” — Schmidt

42. “Dammit! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.” — Schmidt

43. “Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?” — Schmidt

44. “The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.” — Schmidt

schmidt new girl quote

45. “I’m as mad as a dad in traffic!” — Schmidt

46. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room listening to some mainstream hip-hop.” — Schmidt

47. “Don’t pretend to know my pain.” — Schmidt

48. “Youths!” — Schmidt

RELATED: 30 Funniest Parks And Rec Quotes About Life, Love, & Friendship

Coach Quotes

49. “I need everyone to shut up.” — Coach

50. “I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing ‘Hey Ya.'” — Coach

51. “I’m not gonna say yes, and I’m not gonna say no ‘cause saying no would be a lie.” — Coach

coach new girl quote


52. “Who’s talking to you, Depression-era garbage man?” — Coach

53. “For the first time in my life. I’m not 100% broke.” — Coach

54. “It really bums me out that I’ll never know the infinite joy of what it feels like to carry a child inside of me.” — Coach

55. “That is such a relief. I can get fat now.” — Coach

56. “My boss says I can’t talk to women. Which is ridiculous! RUN, WOMAN, RUN.” — Coach

Cece Parekh Quotes

57. “I’m using my bride card!” — Cece Parekh

58. “I’ve made out with half of the guys in this room.” — Cece Parekh

59. “Watch your front because we’ve got your back!” — Cece Parekh

cece parekh new girl quote

60. “Okay sweetheart, you are sophisticated. You’ve just got to pick up the phone, and you ask him out to dinner.” — Cece Parekh

61. “I used to just think if I was proposed to I would notice it was happening.” — Cece Parekh

62. “I got your text. When you’re going through a ‘Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,’ I should come over, right?” — Cece Parekh

63. “There’s nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.” — Cece Parekh

64. “The very fact that socks exist is proof shoes don’t work.” — Cece Parekh

65. “Just because a scary man yelled his name in your face doesn’t mean you can’t like sake baths.” — Cece Parekh

66. “Oh god, you’re about to say something stupid, aren’t you?” — Cece Parekh

67. “My heart is beating really fast but time is moving so slow.” — Cece Parekh

RELATED: 88 Best Quotes From 'The Office' For All The Dunderheads In The Room

Cassandra Rose is a freelance writer and editor, with a focus on entertainment and trending topics. She's a former contributor to YourTango and has also been featured in Huffington Post, AskMen, and Thought Catalog.