5 Smart*ss Replies To Probing Holiday Questions
Put prying friends and family in their place, because they shouldn't be asking you that anyway.
Oh, the holidays. Tons of amazing food, armloads of gifts — and people who've been waiting all year to descend on you with uncomfortable questions about your life (and by that I mean your love life). It’s bad enough that your parents ask you intrusive questions year-round, but during the holidays, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents join in on the fun, too; even certain neighbors seem to have free reign. The polite thing would be to prepare a few "beauty pageant" answers — answers that aren't genuine but rather what they want to hear. Like when your grandmother asks, “When are you going to get married?” you'd say, "Well, I want to make sure when I get married that I pick the right person so I can have an idyllic relationship like you and grandpa." (Sigh.)
That would be the nice thing to do. However, I’m sick of this 'proper' routine. I'm tired of feeling like Taylor Swift giving an interview to Seventeen. This year, I'm going give honest — scratch that, sarcastic answers. This year, the itimate details of my life are no longer on the menu. Want to follow suit? Take some of these answers for a spin.
1. When are you going to get a real job?
Ah, the infamous real job. I suppose writing about dating and orgasms doesn't qualify. Ok, how about this: "Right now I’m just focused on being the best barista I can be, until I can make enough money to travel the world and sell my new invention: enemy bracelets. Like, the opposite of friendship bracelets. Get it?”
2. I want grandkids/great grandkids! When are you going to give me some?
This question is way too personal — and for those in committed relationships, way too common. Don't be fooled: they're not offering to babysit. Shut them down with: "I actually just had my tubes tied. Who needs tubes? I prefer 'inner tubing.' In fact, I have a flight booked to Kauai next month. Oh, also I don't like kids."
3. When are you going to get married?
This one's easy: take your cue from celebrities: "I will not even consider marriage until everyone in this country has the right to marry." It's simple, effective and — if you're like me — actually in line with your beliefs. This one packs an extra punch when directed at conservative family members.
4. Don’t you want to move back home? Closer to us?
I don’t understand why some parents think their kids want to live in the same town they grew up in forever, or that wherever they live now is just temporary. Make them be careful what they wish for: "Oh, I'm planning to come back next week, actually. I'm totally broke. Can I crash on your couch for, say, a month? Or three?"
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5. Why aren’t you still with so-and-so? He was such a nice boy!
Clearly, whatever you see on the surface is the absolute truth. If he seems like a nice boy, of course he's a nice boy and someone I should marry and spend the rest of my life with. What's wrong with me? Clearly my great aunt knows best! So say this: "I really miss him. Maybe he'll lift the restraining order and we can get back together." (Because no one has a right to ask you about your relationship status if you're not a celebrity!)