Dating Disaster: Stop Crying And Get Off My Porch

crying man

Young or old, single or curious, you have likely used or at least heard of the site Plenty of Fish. For the few of you who haven't, Plenty of Fish, POF or "plenty of f***s" as it's more commonly known is an online dating site. The site is filled with thousands of people seeking stimulating conversation with other genuinely and not so genuinely single individuals. Some are looking for an ego boost, some  are too cheap or lazy to go to the bar, and others are actually seeking real relationships.

Early into my dating career (and despite being forewarned by pretty much everyone I know), I decided, what the heck, I was going fishing. Unfortunately, the first fish I snagged was a sucker.

After chatting for a few weeks, he suggested meeting up for drinks. Being a trusting POF virgin, I thought no harm could come of this. All in all he seemed like a decent guy, so I invited him over. Let's just say a few drinks turned into a few drinking games and a drawn-out discussion of religion. (Religion is perhaps the most controversial of all topics! Unless you've met in church, I suggest leaving this out of the conversation, at least for the first date. Thinking back on it now, that should've been my first warning sign, but I had no idea what was to come.) I Had The Worst First Date EVER (Foot Fetish And All)

Fifteen beers later, it was clearly time to pack it in. He was messy drunk and not completely coherent. He stumbled upstairs and I explained to him that he was welcome to stay the night but we wouldn't be knocking boots. Although he was quick to jump into bed, he clearly didn't have sleep on his mind. While there is ultimately nothing sexier than a slobbering drunk, I advised him that sleep was the best medicine (thinking to myself he was more likely to get laid in Dreamland). Then, he got up and started pacing my room in his boxers and noticed a picture of me and my ex. Obviously upset to see another guy in my room, he started arguing with me, saying he had noticed I was on my phone all night and now he understood why. I must've been texting my ex, and if I was texting him, I must also be sleeping with him. Although he wasn't that far from the truth, I had the common sense to realize that this wasn't the time to get into my dating history so I denied, denied, denied. 1 In 3 Online Daters Has Sex On First Date

To my utter disbelief, he got back in my bed and started to sob like a child who wasn't getting his way. This was definitely a first for me and one I hope not to relive any time soon. Since when did tears make it to the top 10 list of turn-ons? Dating Disaster: A Guy, A Girl, Her Gas

Everything I had learned in my four years studying psychology quickly came back to me as I considered my next step. I was tempted to roll over and act like I was asleep, but his weeping was getting louder and louder. Could this possibly get any worse? My mind pictured his shrinking balls, but the mother in me took over and decided to rub his back. As I reached to touch him, he jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me!"

Now I was at my limit. Getting out of bed I yelled, "Get the f*** out of my house!" I threw all of his clothes in his direction and headed downstairs to wait for him to follow. Ten minutes later, he was still upstairs and had reached a new level of bizarre: talking to himself. I ventured back up, reminded him he needed to leave, and offered to call a cab. After telling himself that I was "a crazy whore," he exited my front door. I quickly locked it behind him and ran to my roommate's room where I heard the undertones of a sex session still going on. She could've been at it all night and I was desperate for a distraction, so I interrupted and begged her to come downstairs to wait with me while this psycho left.

At 4:00 AM, two cabs had come and gone, yet he remained on my front porch, texting, calling and begging me to give him a second chance. Apparently, he thought we had great chemistry and really hit it off. He swore he wasn't drunk and offered to make it up to me. I told him "no" and recommended he remove himself from my property, otherwise I would call the police. I was now hiding in the kitchen, trying to convince my roommate not to kick the shish out of this maniac. To put the icing on the cake, he was telling me he had nowhere to go — apparently his grandmother didn't expect him home that night. (Yes, you heard that right. He was almost 30 and lived with his grandmother. Second warning sign?) Dating Disaster: Vegans Like You Cause Anorexia

What a good first impression this must've made on my new neighborhood. This guy was not making things easy for me and at this point I was convinced he would likely camp out if I let him. My only hope for a peaceful sleep was to have this weirdo removed. I called 911 and the nice lady on the other line said she would send someone as soon as possible. The police arrived and they convinced him to call it a night. The most embarrassing part was trying to explain to Mr. Hot Cop what Plenty of Fish was and how I had ended up with such a catch.

It was by far the weirdest date I've ever had! Thanks POF!

You can read more from Khloe at Two Critical Bitches.

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