Why Forgiveness Is So Important In A Breakup


Letting go of ex-boyfriend baggage can free your arms for an upgrade.

When nursing yourself through a particularly brutal breakup, it might initially feel cathartic to jump feet first into an angry well of Men Suck. Christie Brinkley Divorce Finally Over

The male species are worthless, you mutter. Screw marriage and children, I'll just wear mumus and live in a house of cats (bonus points if you chop off your hair and stop shaving!).

While we loath taking away those precious, precious moments of white-knuckled Grrrrl power, a recent article by Karen Salmansohn, "The Law of Attraction Really Begins with the Law of Subtraction" has us thinking maybe we should try this whole forgiveness thing and shed ourselves of all that man-hating water weight and emerge svelte and ready for love! Bad Breakup? 10 Things To Remember

(Wince) We hate positive thinking psychobabble as much as the next person, but if you find yourself alone on yet another Saturday, in bed staring at your ex-boyfriend dart board, then maybe (just maybe) you need a little "law of subtraction." Is Positive Thinking Sabotaging Your Love Life?

As Salmansohn says:

We all rationalize our anger as a necessary force to impel us to better results. But more often than not, anger blocks us from full mental clarity. Aristotle said it well when he said: 'We are easily deceived by our sense perceptions when we are in an emotional state…so that even a very slight resemblance makes the coward think that he sees his enemy … and the more emotional he is, the smaller is the similarity required to produce this effect.'

In other words, what you call wisdom ("they're all jerks. I know the type") could very well just be your own version of self-sabotage, keeping you nice and single, when, as Salmansohn says, "love success is the best revenge."

She lists a few tactics to transform your coal heart into one that's open for a new love. Some are a bit too Mother Earth for us—she suggests renaming a philandering ex "teacher" in your phone (ed note: why is he still in the phone?) so you remember how much you learned. A spin-off on this we approve of? Writing a thank-you letter to your philandering ex and reading it whenever you wind into negativity.

We also approve of combing through your own less-than-stellar romantic history and recalling all the guys who've suffered broked hearts because of your lousy choices. Didn't we wish they'd just forgive us and get over it?

Speaking of getting over it, Salmansohn writes:

Remind yourself that when you resent someone you give them control of your emotions. You don't want to give your ex that power.

Spot on. While this newfound independence may seem like your bitter revenge on an unfair word, what's so empowering about being loveless and sexless? Dumped? 10 Healthy Ways To Heal