7 Self-Punishments For Infidelity

infidelity punishment

As you may have heard, a man recently proved to his wife that he was really, really sorry for having sex with someone other than her (without her permission, naturalmente). Per Fox News, the cheater stood outside a mall in suburban DC with a sign that read, "I cheated. This is my punishment."

I don't consider myself very in tune with other people's feelings, but the man, William Taylor, looked miserable. According to reports, when his wife first explained his penance Taylor thought she was joking. She was not. Taylor is just the latest in a long line of people publicly punished for private perfidy. Back in the day, adultery could land a person in the stocks in a public square or result in some manner of corporal thumping. Read: 3 Ways To Handle Infidelity Like A Celebrity

This modern-day (and male) Hester Prynne is probably counting his blessings that he can eventually remove the mark of his infidelity. Inspired by Taylor's drubbing, here are seven fun, legal, non-violent hair shirts that will shame a cheating spouse.* Imposing them on yourself is even better—there's no better way to say you're sorry than self-castigation. I Mortified Myself In Public For My Wife

7) Facebook. Sure, people will see you at a shopping mall, but they're mostly strangers. You're friends will know what a Cheaty Cheaterson you are if "Something About Yourself" is "Cannot Be Trusted To Not Have Sex With Other People."

6) Involve parents. Plan a dinner for the express purpose of having your parents find out what was done and why. To increase the tension and humiliation, invite both sets of parents.

5) Tattoos. Nothing says I'm really, really ridiculously sorry like permanent ink. Kobe Bryant got his first tat (and gave a massive diamond) after getting caught creepin'. Buying Your Way Out Of Infidelity

4) Advertise. Sure, the Reggie Miller case deserves credit for this one but who better to know that you did a dirty than an entire beach, the readers of your local paper or the passersby on the corner of It Was A Mistake and It'll Never Happen Again? (Note: This is pretty expensive, but nothing says sorry like expensive humiliation.)

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3) Write a song. The international song market is absolutely dying for a feel-bad song written from the perspective of a penitent cheater. The only problem is that this song could make you famous and that's when groupies and/or John Mayer start lurking around…try not cheating then.

2) Be there. Seriously, nothing says, "there is no way I will ever cheat on you again" like always being around someone. When you have to be away, like at work or whatever, check in regularly… every 15 minutes should do it. Feel free to forego sleep too. Your partner will feel instantly reassured if they wake up with you staring intently at them.

1) Do stuff you don't like. Eating gross (but not dangerous) food is a solid start. But nothing says suffering like spending hours and hours doing something you loath. And the less happy you look about being there, the more your spouse knows how sorry you are

*Note: Please keep in mind that this list is satire (though Taylor's punishment was not). If you and your spouse are having issues, you should probably seek help, as infidelity may be symptom of a much larger issue. And don't cut any body parts off.