Love, Self

Brutal Honesty: 4 Types Of Guys You Should Never, EVER Marry

Photo: weheartit
dont marry him

Poor dating habits are no different than crummy diet choices. We know we should grab an apple instead of a Snickers, and we know After Midnight Booty Caller's number should be replaced by an option who's aware of our existence when the sun's out.

But like a carton of leftover Chinese food and a glistening pint of Ben and Jerry's, sometimes it takes as much will power to shelve the Go Nowhere men as it does the Go Straight To Your Thighs food.

Here's a list of dating diet no-nos to clean out of your pantry immediately.

1. The hot and sour soup guy.

One minute you're his soul mate, the next he forgets your birthday. The first weekend of the month you're the future mother of his unborn children, and by the third it's as if you never existed.

While in the beginning this brand can be all absorbing, the cold — not too unlike being trapped in a tortuous windy shade — is a discomfort that's unparalleled. Worth it? We think not. Pour this option down the drain. 

2. The late night binger.

This one's just empty calories. He only calls (or texts, let's be real) when late night programming is finished and the lights are out. Sure, you could stumble out of bed and unlock the door, but why? Save up those extra fat grams for the next morning, when someone is at least thoughtful enough to shoot you a mid-morning e-mail.

3. The bottomless beer drunkard.

Ever notice how this guy is always drunk? God, you wonder, how does he do it? Whether it be those never-ending Bloody Mary brunches or the times you meet him for after work drinks, he's already smashed. Don't pick up the extra six-pack; wouldn't you rather acquire bloat from a substantial meal? There's no longevity in a liquid diet.

4. The messy drifter appetizer.

Like a burrito that's so overstuffed a bite turns into a rice and cheese Jackson Pollack splat on your pants, this guy's so all over the place it's impossible to ever get full.

Where does he work? It's foggy. Where does he live? Like we know. And where do we stand with him? We'd guess somewhere after his first options but before the lower half. Time to 86 this luke warm appetizer who will never make it to the permanent menu.