Someday you will die. But before that happens, there's so much sex to be had.
Sex: it's what's for dinner. It's an important part of our lives. Without it, there would be no life. I know, I know, sh*t just got heavy, but stay with me.
You don't have to be a particularly risque person to have fun in the sack. I'm a fairly vanilla girl and my sex life is dope as hell. But because we're humans beings and as such we age and die (damn you, science!), we've only got a fixed amount of time to get nasty before we shuffle off this mortal coil.
Before you die, there's so much sexiness to be had.
1. Have a one-night stand
There's something sexy, dangerous, and empowering about the idea of a one-night stand. You know what's even better? Actually having one. After a breakup, a dude I met in a bar asked me to come back to his hotel room to partake of recreational drugs and oral pleasure. I said no and it's something I will regret until I die.
That said, he also had a wonky eye and might have been a serial murderer. Go get crazy, feel no shame — but also be safe. I'm not just talking condoms here, guys, I'm talking maybe a taser and a friend who's required to text you every hour.
2. Participate in a threesome
Threesome are traditionally the fantasy terrain of straight males. You know what, f*ck that noise. Get some willing dudes and take the man plunge. A successful threesome is all about communication. Don't be afraid to take time and plan your encounter.
This goes double if you're in a couple inviting a third in. What turns you on, what's off limits — these are all things you need to discuss before getting your delicious freak on.
3. Put ice in your mouth
This is one of those Cosmo tips that's legit the business. Cosmo tip that's NOT the business? Using a scrunchie as a cock ring. But I mean, hate the game not the player, I guess? Regardless, please stop putting hair ties on dicks. With that out of the way, ice in his mouth or your own heightens pleasure like WHOA. Prepare to feel all of the things.
4. Have sex in the water
But do NOT do it in a heated pool, Jacuzzi, or the ocean, because germs. And errant jellyfish. And lubrication getting washed away. Get your freak on in the shower at least once. It's not always the easiest thing to do, and there's definitely a learning curve.
If you prefer to reserve phrases like "We'll get in next time" for scavenger hunts, then at least do yourself the service of making out in the shower with someone. Please.
5. Have sex in public
I'm not saying grab a one-way ticket to F*ck City on the oyster bar where you've just enjoyed some slimy treats, but maybe their bathroom. After all, one slimy treat begets another, no?
6. Wear sexy lingerie
Dress your sexy, naked ass up at least once. Find something that makes you feel godd*mn beautiful and rock it. I've always wanted to rock a teddy in the bedroom but I've perpetually lacked the balls to do it up proper. That all changes now. I mean, not like, right now, because I'm writing in a crowded room full of strangers. But SOON.
7. Make foreplay a priority
The main event is where it's at, for sure. But my god, if you want things to get really hot, slow ... it ... down. Make out like a teenager. Keep your clothes on as long as possible. See how long you can hold yourself off and prepare for a major league intense experience. Orgasms for days.
8. Try anal play
There are all manner of fun things that happen with your butthole, and I ain't just talking about poops (though they're fun in their own right). Ask your partner to insert a digit while he's penetrating you and holy Moses you will receive revelations.
9. Stimulate a prostate
What's good for the gander is also good for the goose's butt. If you can properly stimulate a prostate, you shall be considered as a god among women. It's a parallel experience to learning how to stimulate the G-spot.
One of the easiest points of access is through the butthole. Keep your nails short and never force anything. Working your way up to full insertion can take time depending on the butthole in question. Once you're in (all hail Lord Lube), it's all about that "come hither" gesture with your index finger. You'll feel a small spongy nugget. Let him take the lead from there. Prostate stimulation can be insanely intense.
10. Take a prolonged sexcation
You. Them. A hotel. Hell, your apartment. Phones on silent. Water and snacks prepped. Clothes not allowed. The most intense 24 hours of your life. And go.
11. Dirty talk
You don't have to be a cunning linguist to make dirty talk work. Do you like that thing he's doing to your neck? Tell him. Does it feel very good? Sub out very for "f*cking." Boom. Now you're good at talking dirty.
12. Have drunk sex
You're drunk, he's drunk, maybe no one is going to cum. That's not the point. With your inhibitions super-lowered, you can get messy, aggressive, and just the right amount of animalistic. Visit your caveman self with drunk sex.
13. Ask him to "edge"
Do you know what edging is? Let me save you some terrible Googling. Edging is when a guy brings himself back from the brink in order to prolong sex. A way to get him to do this is to yell "NO SPERMS!" at a critical moment. Just kidding, that's a terrible idea. A real way to do it is with time and practice.
14. Experience Tantric sex
If you're into spirituality, nothing heightens intimacy and connects a couple more than the practice of Tantra. Try not to think about Sting during (I mean, unless that's your deal). Instead, focus on matching your breath to your partner's breath, and maintaining lots of eye contact. Is it hot in here now or have I simply aroused myself?
15. Role play
This isn't for everyone, but neither is tuna fish. If you're a history buff, why not don the garb of Jefferson and Adams, and get all kinds of historical on each other's parts? (Lol, Adams. You just know he was a pillow queen.)
16. Touch yourself
It's still shocking to me when I encounter another adult who cringes at the idea of mutual masturbation. They key to good sex is communication, right? You can tell him how you want your bean flicked until the cows come home, but sometimes showing is better than telling. That goes for him, too.
17. Don't have sex at all
Did I just blow your mind? I know, I'm brilliant. As great as sex is, it can start to feel stale, a part of our routine. Put yourself on a sex diet, for even just a week. That doesn't mean you can't get your make-out on; in fact, I encourage this. Then, when you hit the sheets next, you'll be hot and ready.
18. Have sex on a carousel
I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. But maybe try this. Just make sure no babies or squirrels are watching. Babies are easily traumatized and squirrels are known perverts.
19. Watch porn together
Porn isn't what real sex is like, but it is where we take some of our cues about the inner fantasy lives of our partners. Porn also dictates how we groom (or don't) our pubes. There's something sexy and ever-so-slightly devious about watching porn with someone else. If you find the right clip, it can also be hot as hell. Unless it's that Spongebob porn. That's very much not hot.
20. Massage each other
There are few things more relaxing, more intimate, or more (gag me) sensual than massage. Be you the giver, or be you the receiver, the careful exploration of flesh and the firm work on tight muscles is relaxing and (giggity) titillating.