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I didn't want to be girl who said a categoric NO to adventure.
By Lisa Marie Basile — Written on Mar 26, 2021
I used to be jealous of everything. In fact, insecurity unhinged my relationships. Of course, I'd had my dose of startling romantic shakedowns: broken trust, crappy partners, unhealthy early defining relationships. All of that affected me, and so did an internal lack of confidence.
I felt threatened by nearly everything. Because I wasn't confident in myself, I was weary of ordinary circumstances: porn (the causal, even innocuous use of porn that everyone indulges in), my boyfriend attending a bachelor party, all of it. There's no way to explain this better: jealousy is ugly.
No one will ever 100 percent be rid of feelings of insecurity in or outside a relationship, but when someone eliminates jealousy, the potential for self-love and romantic growth does open up.
That's because trust, exploration, and healthiness are aphrodisiacs, not unlike pheromones or the naked body. Who wants to deal with someone who's constantly second-guessing themselves? After a while, even if you love someone, that takes its toll.
Things luckily changed when I grew up a bit. I didn't want to be the girl who said a categoric NO to adventure. I hate the concept of boring, socially acceptable sex.
I hate the idea of limiting myself and, really, my experience of being alive. So I made a point to really examine why I was letting jealousy hurt my relationships and hurt my sexuality (because it sure as sh*t was).
When I stopped letting jealousy and insecurity limit my relationships, sex became better. I felt centered and I felt I was the center.
It was like the desire in me morphed; I became omnipotent, in tune with my own carnal indulgences, and obsessed with feeling good, not feeling hurt or angry or weak.
There's a great sense of power in self-respect, and with respect comes sexual triumph. Sexuality is art. It must be honed and practiced and understood, and you can't define that by not at least being open to breaking your parameters or social boundaries.
So I managed to get over the disease of saying no to sexual sharing. Three years into my relationship, I decided I could envision myself having a threesome with my partner. (When you're single, that's very different and easier). In fact, I've told him that I would like to do just that, not only for my pleasure but for his.
Gone were the thoughts that he might run off with this third person. Gone was the idea that if we did this, it must mean I'm not good enough. I'm good enough. And I want more!
We're in a very monogamous relationship; we aren't causal swingers and we haven't tried anything yet.
But it will happen, and when it does it will be a decision we make together. It won't be integrated into our sex life as a common occurrence, but it will be an option on rare nights we feel we might want to explore the dynamic of threes.
They can dote on me together, or my boyfriend might be the focus. Whatever the case, respect, and understanding of our limitations will be in play.
Life is short. You have to live, touch, experience, imbibe, indulge and grow. Life is also long.
Sexuality is as precious as it is petty; we're designed to want, built for desire. Consent, exploration and healthy sexual partnerships allow people the power to refresh their sensual lives and build on their sexual selves.
If tradition, puritanical notions of love, and social stigma were the leaders of my life, I would have never learned how to orgasm, kiss a lover properly or figure out how my sexual nuances make me who I am.
I wouldn't want to be a "good girl." I sure don't want to be bored. I never want to be in denial.
I like it better this way. He gets what he wants, I get what I want, and we get each other in the end.
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Lisa Marie Basile is the author of Light Magic for Dark Times, Wordcraft Witchery forthcoming, 2020), a collection of poetry, Nympholepsy, as well as the editor-in-chief of Luna Luna Magazine. Her work encounters self-care, trauma recovery, ritualized living and the arts. More of her writing can be found in The New York Times, Refinery 29, The Fix, Catapult, Narratively, Good Housekeeping, Bustle, Sabat Magazine, among others. Find her on Instagram for more.