What Your Breakfast Says About Your Intimacy Style — Really!

Bacon with eggs? You dirty dog.

Last updated on Apr 07, 2023

half naked woman eating breakfast on the balcony BLACKDAY/ Shutterstock

We see you late to work, dripping cheese from your greasy egg sandwich on your latest brief. We're spying on you over brunch, devouring a stack of pancakes like you haven't eaten in days. We salute you, lady poking at a solitary half of grapefruit. We see you and we judge you. We can't help it. 

What you're eating in the morning says an awful lot about what kind of sex you had the night before. And maybe it's not accurate, but it sure as hell is part of a complete breakfast. Let's not forget that it's the most important meal of the day.


So think back to this morning. What did you eat for breakfast? It may have some implications about the sex you had last night.

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Here is what you had for breakfast and what it says about your intimacy style:

1. Yogurt

Sex with someone you're falling in love with but haven't told yet.

2. French toast

Raunchy, painful sex with candle wax and handcuffs (your neighbors really hate you).

3. Fruit Loops

Sex with your baby daddy.

4. Scrambled eggs

Adequate, run-of-the-mill in-and-out thirty-minute start-to-finish doing of the deed sex.

5. Eggs over easy

Sex with the first person who hit on you at the bar last night.

6. Poached eggs

Sex with someone twice your age.

7. Hard-boiled eggs

Sex with someone you hate.

8. Huevos Rancheros

Sex with someone you think you understand, but who's only using you to understand himself.


9. Oatmeal

You bought lingerie, had your hair blown out, and lit some candles and he didn't even notice.

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10. Cheese omelet

You tried a new position and even though it was kind of hot, you ended up pulling a muscle and had to stop to ice your thigh.

11. Buttered roll

Sex in front of a big mirror.

12. Croissant

Sex in front of a video camera.

13. Cheerios

You and your best guy friend got drunk and had that kind of friends-with-benefits sex you tend to fall into every year or so when you're both single and bored.

14. Egg sandwich

Sh*t-faced sex.

15. Plain toast

Coked-up sex.

16. Banana

He was poorly endowed, and you were sorely disappointed.


17. Eggs Benedict

Passionate, mind-blowing, three-hour-long, oh-my-god-screaming sex.

18. Pancakes

Butt sex.

19. Granola

You forgot to wax. So what? You turned the lights off and went about your hairy way.

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20. Half a grapefruit

Sex with someone who was skinnier than you'll ever be.

21. Corned beef hash

Queef-inducing sex.

22. Waffles

You had sex with your eyes closed so you could pretend you were sleeping with someone else.

23. Parfait

Foot fetish sex.

24. Egg McMuffin

Secret love affair sex.

25. Black coffee

Just a quickie.

26. Iced coffee

Just a quickie ... in the shower.


27. Orange juice

You were a victim of your own performance anxiety. Chalk this one up to nerves.

28. Donut

Sex with someone whose name you've already forgotten

29. Smoothie

Sex to get ahead in your career

30. Bagel with cream cheese

The kind of really bad sex where you can't wait to turn the lights off so you can roll your eyes during it.

31. Bran flakes 

Missionary position the entire time.

32. The morning-after pill

Regrettable sex.

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