Women Who Seem Nice At First But Are Actually Narcissistic Often Share These 11 Frustrating Traits
WorldStockStudio | Shutterstock When you meet a person whose personality seems a bit off, you may question whether your gut instinct is correct or just misleading you. But when someone is a narcissist, their behavior is very specific. Whether it's stirring up drama or playing the victim for pity, women who seem nice at first but are actually narcissistic often share these frustrating traits.
People who are narcissists aren't going to shout it from the rooftops; rather, they'll use their kindness to get to close you and then use that to take advantage of you. They're master manipulators who are great at putting up a front, so it's not always easy to spot them, at least not at first. Luckily, they aren't great at hiding all of their narcissistic qualities, many of which come disguised as attempts to be way too nice.
Women who seem nice at first but are actually narcissistic often share these 11 frustrating traits
1. She's initially charming
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According to professor and scholar Nina W. Brown, a charming and self-absorbed person hangs on to every word their victim says. They'll greet the, with a smile and stare into their eyes intensely, making them feel important. Then, they'll slowly change their behavior, making that person feel as if it's their fault.
Brown added that they'll withdraw their interest, change topics, spend less time with that person, or give their attention to someone else. However, this is just a ploy. Once a narcissistic person knows they can control someone, they'll spend years breaking them down into what they want them to be.
They'll take advantage of their kindness until the person might not even know who they are anymore. So, when a woman seems incredibly charming at first, she might just be a narcissist, using her magnetism to manipulate others in order to get what she wants.
2. She pretends to be interested to gain more information
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Whether it's making direct eye contact, nodding encouragingly, or caring about your interests and problems, women who seem nice at first but are actually narcissistic often share these frustrating traits. She makes others feel like they can open up to her, but really, she doesn't care.
She's there for one purpose, and that's to benefit herself. Once she finally gets what she wants, it's not uncommon to never hear from her again. This kind of narcissist will disappear, making you wonder if she even existed in the first place.
3. She stirs up drama under the guise of being a good friend
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When a narcissistic is stirring up drama, she intends to cause damage. She'll tell you what someone said and the tone they said it in because she's "such a good friend." But if someone felt comfortable talking ill about their friend, why did she feel comfortable with it in the first place?
She'll also make up nasty rumors to turn people against each other. She might say, "This person called you ugly," just to fill the slot of being your new best friend. Or, they might cause tension in your relationship because they secretly want your partner.
As therapist Claire Jack explained, "Being caught up in someone else’s drama triangle is exhausting. You constantly have to keep an eye on what the other person, or people, in the triangle are going to do next. It causes extreme anxiety and a sense of a loss of control."
4. She compliments people too much
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She might stop random strangers on the street and compliment their outfit or their perfume. And while it seems kind and genuine, narcissists tend to compliment others to hide their true intentions. Because deep down inside, they're looking for ways to score brownie points or appear normal to others.
Moreover, she wants others to admire her because it helps fuel her ego. Because when she compliments someone, they're likely to return it.
Unfortunately, according to psychologist Melinda Smith, "It’s important to remember that narcissists... [are] looking for obedient admirers. Your sole value to the narcissist is as someone who can tell them how great they are to prop up their insatiable ego. Your desires and feelings don’t count."
5. She acts humble but is really humble-bragging
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People who accomplish a goal might go out to celebrate, or perhaps mention their achievements with close friends, not considering it a big deal. However, narcissists can't help but humble-brag when they reach an important milestone.
On the outside, it might appear that they're staying humble, saying something along the lines of, "Yes, I make six figures now but it's not that big of a deal." But they say this because they don't want to mess up their image. They'll do their best to be humble while indirectly rubbing their accomplishments in other people's faces. Unfortunately, this type of behavior doesn't have the desired effect they were hoping for.
According to researchers at Harvard University, there are two types of humble-braggers — those who use humility, and those who complain. People who complain might disguise their complaints as compliments. They'll say, "Oh gosh, I look so skinny it's not fair." On the flip side, those who use humility might say, "I can't believe I was tasked with the most important part of this project. Isn't that crazy?"
Researchers found that people who straight-up brag were more liked compared to those who humble-brag. This means that if a narcissist wants to seem nice and be well-liked, they're better off just bragging; otherwise, they risk coming off as fake and annoying.
6. She plays the victim to gain pity
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Narcissists love receiving pity. They enjoy knowing that people feel bad for them and want to be there for them. For a narcissistic woman, this strokes her ego and is a guaranteed ticket to getting whatever she wants from someone else.
"Because narcissists are heavily dependent on others for validation of self and believe they should be catered to, posturing as the victim of uncaring people or unfair circumstances is a common narcissistic strategy for invoking guilt and getting attention, sympathy, or caregiving," Julie L. Hall, author of "The Narcissist in Your Life," explained.
7. She shows support while secretly sabotaging others
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Whether it's pretending to clap for joy for another person or being a shoulder to cry on during someone's tough time, women who seem nice at first but are actually narcissistic often share these frustrating traits. A narcissist is rarely happy about other people's successes. If someone got something they wanted, they're showing happiness out of obligation.
Secretly, they're wondering what they can do to win back what was "rightfully theirs." A narcissist may then mess up their projects, spread false rumors, and undermine them at every turn, just to sabotage them. Because they envy others who are successful, it diminishes their sense of superiority, and they feel it's necessary to level the playing field.
8. She uses kindness to be passive-aggressive and intimidate others
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With a forced smile and gritted teeth, a woman who seems nice at first but is actually narcissistic will pretend to be kind in an effort to intimidate people. She'll approach people in the most passive-aggressive way possible, perhaps using a rude phrase or staring them down, changing her tone of voice to seem sweet.
But it's actually a threat, and people who come across narcissists like this shouldn't let their sweet words fool them. They aren't considerate of other's well-being; instead, they want to control the situation by discretely being intimidating for their own gain.
9. She makes tons of 'too good to be true' promises
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People who make tons of "too good to be true" promises don't fully intend to keep those promises; rather, they're just trying to score brownie points with others. In the heat of the moment, they like to play on other people's emotions.
They use people's heightened vulnerability to get close and draw information out of them, in the hope they'll reveal their deepest insecurities to then use against them. They'll also make false promises to ensure others feel safe enough to let their guard down.
Unfortunately, this type of betrayal leads to drastic consequences for people with anxiety. The effects of betrayal may lead to shock, grief, damaged self-esteem, anger, and self-doubt. And it's even worse for people who are already suffering from other mental health issues.
10. She insults other people's looks under the guise of helping them out
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Whether it's serving a backhanded compliment or out-right demeaning someone, women who seem nice at first but are actually narcissistic often share these frustrating traits. Usually using a fake concerned tone, she'll tear apart their self-esteem by insulting their appearance in every way she can.
Being told that you're not beautiful or attractive enough can put a damper on the most confident person's self-esteem. In fact, psychiatrist Grant Hilary Brenner explained that vulnerable narcissists use entitlement, arrogance, and pride to cover up their guilt and shame. Through this, they might make fun of others to make themselves feel better.
11. She acts sensitive and upset, but only when criticized
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While most people don't enjoy being criticized, they often use it as a reflection period in which they learn from it, especially in professional settings. When a person gives them criticism, it's meant to be helpful and allow them to see their mistakes as a jump off point for growth.
However, for narcissists, they're hypersensitive to criticism. It seems like they can criticize all they want, but the moment someone offers the same in return, it sets them off almost immediately.
"When criticized, narcissists can begin to experience anxiety or degradation... By way of safeguarding themselves from such never-resolved feelings of worthlessness or defeat, they're likely to react to present-day threats with contempt or defiance, or with verbal violence frequently referred to as narcissistic rage," psychotherapist Leon F. Seltzer warned.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.
