I'm A Woman With Severe Phobia Of French-Kissing

Photo: BCFC / Shutterstock
man kissing girl's neck

Phobia (n): a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it.

Most of us have phobias of some sort. For some people, the sight of a freckle-sized spider will send them into a panic. Others opt to climb 15 flights of stairs rather than step foot on an elevator (those people most definitely have a better butt than you). 

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These are relatively normal fears that for the most part don't really interfere with everyday life. And sure, while I'd rather not be in the same room as a spider and don't particularly love heights, there are only two things that I'm truly, irrationally afraid of: One is having ANYTHING covering my face (mainly, my nose). The second? Spit — seeing other people spit, having my own spit land on me, drool on the pillow, ALL OF IT.

Yeah, Micki, that's weird and all but like... are those things really that much of an inconvenience? Is having your nose out all the time actually a problem? Isn't spit a relatively easy thing to avoid?

The answer to all of the above is yes, these fears are an inconvenience and yes, they do cause a problem. Because you know what else blocks your nose and puts you on a crash course with spit on a regular basis? Kissing. French kissing, especially.

I. Hate. French. Kissing.

There's absolutely nothing worse to me than having someone's face heading straight for mine with the sole goal of making it impossible for me to breathe while simultaneously putting his spit in my mouth.

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First of all, did you know that the mouth is home to over 700 types of bacteria? Or that every time you swap saliva with someone, you also swap 80 million (MILLION) germs? This means that every time you lock lips with the one you love, you're increasing your risk of getting the flu, mono, strep throat, and meningitis, just to name a few.

Romantic AF.

That's true, Micki. But there are so many other things we do to get sick, and kissing is a great way to show affection. It's worth the risk.

Noble point. But there are also so many other things you could do to get spit all over your face (seriously, babies do it all the time) and you don't go around doing that, now do you?

Let's say you really just don't give a single crap that someone else's germy, sticky saliva is about to wreck your day. How do you get past the fact that for however long you submit to the tortuous act we call French kissing, you literally can't breathe? Your life is completely in someone else's hands (well, mouth). And you're just, like... okay with that?

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Listen, I understand that not everyone has an unexplainable fear of blocked airways. And hey, if you do happen to stop breathing during a kiss, you're in the perfect position to get some CPR. 

But we need to talk about bad breath. What if the person you're kissing just went in on some Taco Bell? Or you both had a few drinks (or fifteen) and didn't stop to brush your teeth before heading to bed? Or someone burps!?

You're right, Micki. Those things all suck. So then how do you show affection?

Fine, you caught me. I've been known to kiss a guy or two (thousand). But now you know what goes through my head the whole time.

Truth is, once I'm in a relationship, the number of French kisses drastically diminishes. And it has definitely caused some problems, as kissing is a crucial way to show someone that you're attracted to them.

So to all my future flings, boyfriends, life partners: I like you, I swear! I just really, really don't want to kiss you.

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Micki Spollen is a YourTango ​editor and entertainment news writer. She also runs the travel blog Where In The World Is My Drink.