People Who Always Selfishly Put Themselves First Usually Have These 10 Things In Common
They rarely think about the needs of others.
Siamak Poorjam | Unsplash Selfishness is one of the ugliest traits a person can have. If you happen to find yourself dealing with a selfish person, it's important to recognize the traits and do what you can to protect your peace in their presence or distance yourself from their selfish behavior.
It is almost impossible to have a healthy relationship with a selfish person. Self-centered people usually attach themselves to people-pleasers, so they remain in control. Selfish individuals don't have any boundaries when it comes to taking whatever it is that you are willing to give them. But before you can figure out how to deal with selfish people, you must first understand the characteristics of a selfish person and how they got that way.
People who always selfishly put themselves first usually have these 10 things in common:
1. They learned the behavior during childhood
Good habits start at home. Selfish people don't just get that way overnight. They are conditioned to look out for themselves at all costs over time. Many have been raised in a toxic family environment where they were treated in the same way that they choose to treat others.
Perhaps they came from a family that neglected them emotionally. Or their parents showed them that spending time with them was a burden. They weren't cared for, so they have decided they don’t care either. Remember that hurt people hurt people.
2. They lack emotional intelligence
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Children who don't feel loved usually grow up to be adults who have a lack of empathy for others. Emotional intelligence is learned through action and observation. If it has not been exhibited to them, selfish people will have none.
When people cannot show their emotions in a healthy, functional manner, things like feeling guilty show up in the form of dismissiveness. Rather than take accountability for their own actions, selfish people are quick to pass blame to avoid feelings of inadequacy.
People with emotional immaturity often assume that everything revolves around them, a 2018 study found. They are highly dependent on positive attention and actively avoid difficult, negative, or overwhelming situations that would require them to think about someone else's feelings.
3. Selfishness comes naturally to them
Let's face it, being selfless can be difficult. It's much easier to covet all of your niceties and gifts for yourself. It takes time, energy, and effort to invest and pour into others. You have to be willing to put your needs aside to be a kind and generous person. Some of us simply find it much easier to look out for ourselves than to take a step back and do something that would serve others.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Lianne Avila explains that healthy relationships require both empathy and altruism, noting that when you're in a relationship, you have to give up the "me" mindset and start thinking of the “we." This shift takes conscious, sustained effort to prioritize another person's needs alongside your own.
4. They have a scarcity mindset
People either have an attitude of abundance, believing that there is enough money and success to go around, or a scarcity mindset, thinking they must scratch and claw to survive and thrive.
One of the biggest reasons people tend to be selfish is that they believe there is not enough room at the table for everyone to eat. With that thought process, it's no wonder that they are always fighting for their position and holding onto possessions and power to make sure they are not left out.
Studies show that thinking about scarcity increases competitive motives and encourages people to act in ways that primarily benefit themselves, even if they appear generous. Apparent generosity in a state of scarcity is still motivated by self-interest, such as gaining status or convincing others to share.
5. They think selflessness is weak
Some people consider givers weak. They believe that if they cater to the needs of others, they will be seen as a grunt or a brown-noser. That way of thinking causes them to show their power and strength by bulldozing everyone around them.
Some people operate from a ‘zero-sum’ mindset, believing that a gain for one person must come at an equal loss for another. A 2020 study found that, in this view, selflessness is seen as an unfavorable exchange where you’re sacrificing your own well-being for someone else's gain.
6. They are insecure and scared of not belonging
Earlier, we talked about emotional intelligence, and part of it is feeling secure about who you are. Selfish people are generally insecure about who they truly are and whether or not they belong.
Their greatest fear is that their faults and flaws will be uncovered, and they will be exposed for the failures that they are. So, they become control freaks, doing anything and everything they can to protect their fragile reputations.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren explains that insecurity often stems from a deep-seated fear of being hurt, rejected, or abandoned by those we care about. When someone feels fundamentally insecure about who they are, they may resort to controlling behaviors as a defense mechanism, desperately trying to protect themselves from the emotional pain of exposure or rejection.
7. They have abandonment issues
Again, going back to childhood, selfish people have an intense fear of being abandoned. Not only do they hang on tight to belongings and authority, but they also hoard friends and family members to keep around them to feel important.
A selfish person would rather exclude you for fear that others will love you more than them than welcome you into their circle with open arms.
Licensed psychologist Dr. Jonice Webb explains that abandonment issues can result from painful experiences of being left by someone important or from having to emotionally parent yourself as a child. These fears cause people to search for rejection or potential abandonment everywhere, holding them back from taking healthy emotional risks in their lives.
8. They gravitate toward 'useful' people
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Many selfish people have a sense of entitlement and only care about people whom they see as valuable. They believe they have a God-given right to be surrounded by those who are seen as important and influential.
If you happen to be a person they see as unimportant, you can rest assured that they will treat you unfavorably and take you for granted.
Some research indicates that putting oneself first is a deeply ingrained survival instinct. This can be reinforced by societal values that prioritize individual success and self-interest.
9. They mistake selfishness for self-love
Self-love is a necessary attribute that everyone should have to ensure they have balance, wellness, and peace in their lives. Selfish people truly believe that they are just protecting their peace and filling their cup before they can pour into others. The problem is that their cup is overflowing, and they are unwilling to share.
If you are truly practicing self-love and self-care, it is done in anticipation of keeping your mind, body, and soul in a healthy state so you can be a resource to other people.
You still take care of yourself, but any extra that you have to give is for others. Selfish people will look for a way to keep what they need and more.
Psychologist Dr. Dawn M. Raffa emphasizes that genuine self-care means filling your cup so you can pour into others, not hoarding resources for yourself. She explains that when you prioritize self-care and set appropriate boundaries, you're ensuring you'll actually be in a position to support the people who need you.
10. They are conditioned by their culture or environment
A culture or environment of selfishness is the catalyst for turning everyone who is forced to live under those conditions into people who only care about themselves.
If your community, workplace, or home is rife with toxicity and dysfunction, sooner or later, you will assimilate and become just like everyone else. An unhealthy environment can turn a good person into a selfish person who is willing to get ahead by any means necessary.
The most basic human instincts prioritize self-preservation and reproduction, according to one study. In settings where individuals feel resources are limited, this can lead to selfish behavior as a survival strategy, even if the scarcity is perceived rather than real.
How to deal with selfish people
Once you know why a person is selfish, you can create a plan of action to address it or remove them from your life if they are unwilling to change.
Just say no
If you are dealing with a person who expects a lot from you and is unwilling to reciprocate, simply put your foot down and let them know that you will no longer participate in the unbalanced relationship.
Care less
Sometimes it's necessary to reduce the amount of concern and emotion you are investing in someone. Focus on yourself and, if they change, let them back into your life. If not, you’ve already adjusted to their absence.
Change your social circle.
You might need new friends. If you are dependent on a person who has shown you that they are selfish, it is time to change the people you hang out with. Raise your standards and find friends who meet those requirements.
Confront them
Tell the person who is being selfish exactly what you think about their behavior. They may not be able to take constructive criticism, and if that is the case, you know where you stand and should move on.
Find your self-worth
People who are abused in any way are hand-picked because they may not see their own value or self-worth. Be introspective and understand why you are allowing yourself to be this way.
If you find that you are undervaluing yourself or failing to see your own worth, it is time to do the work needed to understand that you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and consideration.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
