10 Unspoken Rules Every Normal Human Follows At The Grocery Store
Joshua Rawson | Unsplash Given the fact that the employees at my local grocery store see me more than my own family does, it’s safe to say that I have quite a bit of experience pushing a full cart around. While I generally enjoy the experience because a) I love finding and checking things off a list and b) food, there are a few unspoken grocery store rules that would make it better for all those involved.
Here are 10 unspoken rules every normal human follows at the grocery store:
1. They return their cart to the designated area instead of an empty parking spot
As I’ve said before, there are two kinds of people in this world: 1) those who return carts to the cart corral and 2) jerks. Leaving a cart to find its own way home often results in the cart camping out in a parking spot someone will inevitably pull halfway into before realizing the cart is there and angrily backing out, ticking off people behind them. The carts have a home. Help them find their home.
The Shopping Cart Theory has become a litmus test for a person's capability of self-control and governance, as well as a way to judge one's moral character. The idea is simple: returning the shopping cart is the ultimate litmus test for whether a person is capable of self-governing and would do the right thing even when it is not expected of them.
2. They walk along the side of the parking lot, not down the center
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You do not have super-human pedestrian powers that override people in their cars trying to get past or around you. Pick a side — any side — and no one gets hurt.
3. They navigate the aisles in a logical flow instead of cutting across traffic like a rogue shopper
Up one side, down the other. If you’re barreling down the middle of the wrong side like a linebacker and clip my cart, I am not above throwing a shoulder. Also, try to refrain from doing a 180 halfway down a jam-packed aisle only to amble along as if you’re taking in the sights of the Louvre. It’s soup. Not the Sistine Chapel. Even worse, don't walk so slowly and take up the entire aisle. Just don't.
4. They only use the express lane if they actually qualify for it
The sign says 15 items or fewer. It does not say, "Everything you can stick in the small cart you chose instead of a regular cart." That does not refer to the number of item types, but the actual item count. For example, those 75 cans of soup that took you 15 minutes to pick out do not count as a single item. You are not a special snowflake. If everybody ignored this rule, it would just be a regular line.
5. They walk the frozen pizza back to the freezer if they change their mind instead of ditching it next to the shampoo
Really? Come on now, people.
6. They respect the invisible bubble of personal space in the checkout line
Regardless of how close you creep up or how many items you throw on the belt, you will be next after me. If you continue to creep up, I will pretend to go through my coupon keeper for an extraordinary amount of time and chit-chat with the cashier … unless you would like to pay for my produce. In that case, you have a deal.
7. They treat the cashier like a human being, not an obstacle between them and the exit
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This means not chatting on your phone while she’s ringing up your groceries or getting ticked when she won’t accept the four expired coupons you thought she’d ignore. If you get caught trying to sneak in an expired coupon, just let it go. It’s 35-cents off dish soap. You’ll survive.
According to data, 98% of retail staff have faced verbal abuse, and 43% are being abused or attacked every week, which means the bar for being a good customer is honestly on the floor. Put your phone down, say please and thank you, and remember that getting snippy over an expired coupon says a lot more about you than it does about store policy.
8. They step aside before reviewing their receipt instead of blocking the exit like a toll booth
Once given your receipt and all 300 extra pieces of paper that get pumped out of the printer with it, do not stop and read the receipt like it’s a treasure map. There is nothing on that paper that is that important that you need to throw on the brakes and cause a backup. Move it along.
9. They skip the self-checkout if they have a full cart and zero patience
Know your limits. Can you find a barcode on a product? Match the picture of bananas on the screen to the bananas in your cart? Flatten paper money to insert into a slot? If you answered “no” to any of those questions, don’t be a hero. Go through the normal checkout.
A study showed that self-checkout is actually slower than regular checkout lines, yet people feel like it's faster because they're doing something as opposed to standing still. Meanwhile, trained cashiers scan and bag items far more reliably because, well, they actually know what they're doing.
10. They circle the lot instead of stalking someone to their car for a closer spot
Finally, do not slowly drive behind me at 5 mph, impatiently waiting for my parking spot that is often only two down from another available spot. Unless you’re going to get out and help me unload my groceries into the back, your insistence on sitting there, impatiently revving the engine on your minivan, will force me to do a full vehicle check — interior and exterior — before getting back in and leaving 5 minutes later.
Thank you for shopping with us. Have a nice day.
Abby Heugel is a freelance writer, editor, and award-winning blogger whose work has been featured in The Huffington Post, Bustle, In the Powder Room, and Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, among others.
