10 Things That Probably Won't Make Miserable People Happy (And 10 That Will)
zvery | Shutterstock We are often told that happiness is a choice, but rarely are we told why it can feel so hard to access. We hear that a good life is built on love, family, a steady job, and financial security, yet many people who have all of those things still feel deeply unhappy. That disconnect leaves people wondering what they are doing wrong and why the things they worked so hard for do not feel the way they expected.
The problem is not that happiness is impossible. It is that many of us are chasing the wrong things. Cultural expectations, not self-understanding, shape our ideas of a good life. What we pursue eventually shapes who we become, which is why it matters to get honest about what actually improves our emotional well-being and what quietly keeps us stuck.
Here are 10 things that probably won't make miserable people happy (and 10 that will):
1. Work
Vlada Karpovich | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Working less
What will actually make people happier: Working more efficiently
We say we want to work less, but when allowed to take some downtime, we're often left stir-crazy and eager to return to the office. It's like our bodies and minds don't know when to take a break and relax a little bit.
Research shows a real connection between happiness and productivity, with happier workers shown to be about 13 percent more productive during the hours they’re on the job. But working less isn't the issue — it's learning to work better. It's being routine, disciplined, and very focused, three things that people usually don't develop.
2. Friendship
Pavel Danilyuk | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Having more friends
What will actually make people happier: Cherishing and deepening the relationships that you already have
When we imagine our "happy lives," we see ourselves surrounded by friends and loved ones. Certainly, there's something to be said for feeling as though you belong to a tribe. But research shows that the quality of friendships — not just the number of people in your life — is what’s tied to greater happiness and self-esteem.
The idea that having more people in your life will make you feel better is usually an illusion. Having a large group of friends doesn't mean you're close with all of them.
Instead of having lots of friends, who may or may not be fair-weather, what matters more is developing deeper, more intimate connections with a few important people.
3. Life challenges
Dana Tentis | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Having fewer problems
What will actually make people happier: Having confidence that you can manage the inevitable challenges that arise in life
Most of the problems that cause us stress and anxiety aren't the problems themselves; rather, they're how we think about the problems.
Sometimes, we may even catastrophize the issue, sending our worry through the roof. We worry because we think doing so will prepare us in case something goes wrong.
Anxiety is a major motivator, but this is also a misperception. It isn't having fewer problems that makes you feel better; it's having the ability to problem-solve and adapt.
So, the key to having a genuinely happier life is remaining confident in the face of adversity, knowing you can push through whatever life throws your way.
4. Success
fauxels | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Feeling superior to other people
What will actually make people happier: Feeling connected to other people
The word "success" once meant to succeed someone, to follow them, but today it usually alludes to someone superior to others. That superiority is usually a defining trait of what we perceive our best lives to consist of.
Studies show that people who are genuinely happy are not obsessed with being better than others. They are comfortable around people who succeed and tend to feel happier when they have strong, real connections.
That need to feel superior usually shows up when we feel disconnected. Real happiness comes from feeling close to others, not from trying to prove you are above them.
5. Body image
Vintage Lenses | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Changing your body by losing weight
What will actually make people happier: Learning to love your body even when you don't like it
Weight loss is such a huge issue for many people. Aside from being a legitimate medical concern, it's a very common anxiety. In fact, research has shown that there's a link between anxiety and weight loss.
Weight is a means of safety. It's how our bodies physically manifest the need to feel secure. Regardless, losing it (or adapting to a more ideal image of yourself) will not make you feel better about yourself, as that kind of self-love is conditional.
However, what will make you happy is learning to love who you are, regardless of how you look, then adjusting your appearance if you choose. Loving yourself is certainly no easy feat, but it's worth it for a happier life.
6. Confronting inner turmoil
Karolina Kaboompics | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Uprooting your life and taking off to start over
What will actually make people happier: Finding the root of the issues that keep arising
It's normal to wonder whether giving up would be easier than confronting the problems that keep the deepest parts of us locked up. Everyone reaches their saturation point — it's just a matter of whether or not it prompts you to "fight" or "flight."
The work of delving even deeper into ourselves is what we try to avoid, and yet, it's usually what we must do. Otherwise, we just end up repeating old patterns and ending up right where we started in the first place.
7. Stress
Mental Health America (MHA) | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Feeling less stressed
What will actually make people happier: Using stress to your advantage
Studies show that some stress is actually good for us, but only when we're able to interpret it well. In other words, when we see it as something to utilize, it can energize us; when we see it as something scary, it can paralyze us.
But rather than taking steps to lessen your stress, what will actually make you happy is taking that stress and utilizing it to improve yourself in every way possible. Reframe your mindset to see stress as something necessary to push you forward, not hold you back.
8. Dependence on technology
Andrea Piacquadio | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Disconnecting, spending less time on your phone
What will actually make people happier: Addressing the compulsion to "anxiety scroll" in the first place
A tech-free life can seem luxurious, but if you feel the need to disconnect, you're probably already heavily reliant on technology in the first place. When you think of how many hours a day you spend on your phone or computer, it can seem like a lot.
But simply putting the phone down or making less time for social media will not make you feel better. Instead, addressing the fear or social anxiety that leads you to constantly check in on things definitely will.
Make it a point to spend some time figuring out why you need to endlessly scroll. Then, you can slowly cut back on your technology dependence and move toward a more satisfying, happy life.
9. Money
Karolina Kaboompics | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Having a lot more money
What will actually make people happier: Having fewer bills, a better budget, and controlling the impulse to consume
Most people function within something called a "percentage bias." If they're used to spending 30% of their income on dinners and drinks, they will likely continue to do so even if they get a raise at work. Psychological research finds that we often overestimate how much extra money alone will boost our happiness, and underestimate how much our habits and choices actually matter.
Our habits are our habits, no matter what external circumstances crop up. But staying stuck in this cycle can lead to financial issues down the line. However, solving that problem doesn't come from making more money.
If we feel the need to overspend, we will always be in debt. It's (usually) not about making more money, but addressing the emotional issues tied to the money you do have. That's when you'll actually feel the impact of extra income and be on your way to real happiness.
10. Pain
Liza Summer | Pexels
What probably won't make miserable people happier: Feeling less pain
What will actually make people happier: Not being afraid of pain
We worry about preparing ourselves for pain, whether physical or emotional. It's a form of self-conditioning, after all.
We think that if we can imagine and embrace the pain of a hypothetical situation, it won't really affect us if it actually comes to pass. Unfortunately, this mindset is ludicrous and is the reason we experience pain in the first place.
It's not about feeling less pain, but rather, not being afraid to feel pain in the first place. No, pain is never a pleasant experience, but you won't really live until you're not making every choice with the intention of just taking the "easiest way out."
It's in trying to insulate ourselves from the pain that we create pain. And the trick to happiness relies on you facing pain head-on.
Brianna Wiest is a writer, editor, author, and regular contributor to publications such as Huffington Post, Forbes, Teen Vogue, Thought Catalog, and many others. She's the author of '101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think,' and other collections of poetry and prose.
