3 Seemingly Minor Things Anxious People Obsess Over That Make Them Feel Awful
You can have a life that's fun and free, but you need to break a few bad habits first.
AaronAmat | Canva When things go wrong or we feel overwhelmed, it's easy to get stuck in the push-pull of anxiety. You want to move forward, but you're scared and long for the comfort of something familiar. This internal dialogue, which you're usually not even conscious of, has the power to determine your success and sense of well-being in almost any situation.
Negative thinking can make anxiety worse than ever, but too many of us believe the first thoughts that pop into our minds, even when those thoughts are sabotaging our success. Being aware of the impact of your thoughts can help you problem-solve when you're stressed out. But, first, you have to identify which of your thoughts are the ones keeping you stuck and miserable.
Three things anxious people obsess over that make them feel awful
1. What other people are doing
A fried of mine, Susan, recently got super fit and healthy. She attended fitness classes and started eating well. As a result, her skin was glowing and her symptoms of depression eased. Bill, a mutual friend of ours who is also on a fitness journey, looked at her success and sighed.
"I just don't have what it takes to be successful like Susan," he said to me. This comparison made me deeply sad. Instead of valuing his own work toward getting healthy, he was comparing himself to Susan, who simply had more time and energy to focus on her physical transformation. All Bill could see is that he would never be as good.
A good friend of mine won’t look at Facebook. When I asked her why, her response was, “Compare and despair.” I shared this catchy phrase with Bill, hoping he could see that his comparison was only increasing his anxiety.
Comparing yourself negatively to others is not only harmful to your self-esteem, but it's also harmful to your spirit. This theory is not just a woo-woo saying, it's also supported by a 2006 study. It makes you feel hopeless.
Context is important. The playing field is rarely level, which is why it's so crucial to stop yourself from making negative comparisons.
Comparative thinking diminishes your successes and robs you of your accomplishments. You are closing the door on opportunities when you think this way. So, the next time you find yourself comparing and despairing, stop!
2. What other people are saying
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"My mother thinks I'm lazy and good for nothing. I guess she's right," my friend Annabel told me a while back. I was taken aback. Of course she wasn't right, but it's hard not to believe your mother.
"I’m going to let you in on a little secret," I told her. "Just because someone says you are lazy, doesn’t mean that you are, even if it’s your mother!"
Shocking, isn’t it? Yes, it seems obvious, but it's a truth some people — especially anxious people — need to hear.
It’s painful when people who are close to you offer criticism. The deeper issue, though, is that you base your self-worth on what others think of you.
Stop and think about that for a moment. If a person praises you, you think you're worthy. If a person criticizes you, you think you're unworthy.
This means you've relinquished control of your self-esteem to an outsider, and that’s never a good thing. That's an enormous amount of power to give away. No wonder you're anxious!
How do we conquer this error of thinking? Stop and ask yourself:
- Is the person criticizing you an authority on the topic? (Usually, they aren’t.)
- Does this person have all the information? (Usually, they don’t.)
- Is this person’s criticism constructive or destructive? (Constructive criticism is often situation-specific and is not a generalized assassination of your character.)
If you're in the moment and experiencing criticism, and can feel your emotions rising, do not respond immediately. Permit yourself to think about what the critic is saying when your emotions have cooled off.
3. What other people may be thinking
In order to obsess over what other people think of you, you must assume a few things to be true that are actually impossible.
This can happen in two forms. The first assumes that someone else should know what you're thinking. The second assumes you know what they're thinking.
Imagine you've had a long day at work and need time in the evening to catch up on some things you fell behind on. You need your partner to make dinner or help the kids with homework, but all you told them was, "I have so much work to do this evening!"
When they start doing their own work or playing with the kids, you might get anxious. Why aren't they helping the kids with homework and making dinner? Don't they care?
The problem is, you never expressed what you wanted. You assumed they knew, and when they didn't, you assumed the worst of them. They must not like you, they don't value you, they think their stuff is more important than you.
But that was never actually true.
The second form of mind-reading assumes that you know what another person is thinking. In general, this tends to be negative and riddled with anxiety.
For example, you raise your hand to answer a question in class, but your answer is wrong. You're embarrassed. As you look around the room, you think everyone assumes you're a big dummy, even if no one cared or knew the answer to begin with.
You can see how, if you're already anxious, this kind of thinking can catch on like wildfire. Before you know it, you'll feel isolated and depressed.
So, what can you do to stop these anxious obsessions
Communicate your wants and needs to eliminate uncertainty and reduce your anxiety.
Anxiety can feel overwhelming and make you wonder if people around you are judging you, or having critical thoughts about you, or something you've done.
By making sure you slow down, communicate clearly, and fully comprehend the situation without trying to read other people's minds or assume they know yours, you can make sure you get what you need without the stress.
Negative thinking has the potential to cause you a great deal of unnecessary anxiety and to lead to miscommunications, arguments, and a breakdown in relationships.
At this point, it’s time to let it go and try to find what works best for you.
Renae Norton is a psychologist and offers an alternative to inpatient treatment for severe cases of anorexia, bulimia, or a combination of the two.
