7 Small Questions That Quietly Determine Whether A Friend Is For Life — Or Just Filling Space
Danik Prihodko | Canva Friendships are delicate and need nurturing. They need flexibility and understanding. Most of all, friendships are at their best when they are reciprocal and have mutual trust. When some of these critical elements start to erode, you can see nubs in the fabric of your friendship, where once it was smooth as silk.
So, is it time to break up with a friend who's just filling space? If you have a person in your life you have called a friend, yet lately, they have been behaving as if they're just taking up space and adding nothing to the dynamic, you might want to ask yourself these questions to see where your friendship stands.
Here are 7 small questions that quietly determine whether a friend is for life, or just filling space:
1. Do they contribute to your well-being?
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At first, you may make excuses for your so-called best friend's behavior, saying, "That’s not like her! She must be having a bad day." Or, "I know she didn’t really mean what she said in the way she said it."
As time goes on, you may start to put two and two together and begin to notice a trend that makes you feel as if something big has changed in your friendship. You may look back and see tell-tale signs, which help you figure out that breaking up and moving on from your friendship is approaching. But, learning how to get over someone leaving your life — especially if you were best friends — is easier said than done.
- How important is your well-being?
- Are you happy around your friends?
- Do you feel comfortable?
Research on friendship's impact on our happiness and ability to thrive suggests that having a small circle of friends who support you unconditionally will add to your overall sense of well-being. They are members of your personal board of directors. If being with a friend starts to make you feel uncomfortable — as if you have to act like someone you’re not — the friendship has taken a turn for the worse.
2. Do you feel worse after you’re with them?
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People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. This belief has helped me let go and heal when friendships end. More often than not, as I look back on the history of my friendship, I notice she came into my life for this particular reason, and that reason is no longer present. Or, the season has ended.
Friendship is not intended to hurt. Admittedly, there are times when you will need to have a tough conversation with a good friend because hearing the truth and telling it can be hard. When this happens with someone you consider a true best friend, though, it will end in a hug and a "Thank you for helping me to see the light and a different perspective." If more times than not, you are feeling worse after being with your friend, it may be time to consider spending less time with them — or letting them go altogether.
3. Do they find fault with everything you do?
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Have you ever been with a friend who tells you about everything you’re doing wrong and never finds anything good or right to share? Do you get a sense that she is jealous of you? When you are happy or excited about something good that has happened to you, does she not share in your joy, but takes you down every time? A friend is a person you share a deep bond with, a bond made of mutual respect and affection. If that’s not what you are receiving, it may be time to move on from the friendship.
4. Do they spread stories behind your back?
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True friends will lovingly say what they have to say to your face, expecting you to be as truthful in return. When people tell stories when you are not there to defend yourself, especially if the stories are untrue or embellished, they are showing disrespect for you. It’s a sure sign this person is not a good friend.
Research on the relationship between gossip, power, and likability has your back more than your bad friend does. The study showed how the more someone gossips negatively about others, the less likable the person is seen by a peer group. This also significantly decreases the influence the person has within the group.
5. Are they unsupportive of your needs?
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There have been a few long-time friends whom I thought were in the lifetime category, only to discover their season in my life just lasted longer than most. I have a few lifetime friends, whom I cherish because I can tick off all the boxes about what I need from a friend and the value they bring to my life.
Friends are concerned about you and what you need. Conversely, they understand you care about them too. There is mutual support in the relationship. If you have a friend who only talks about all that’s going on for them and never asks how you’re doing or how they can help you, it’s another sign that things have shifted in the friendship.
Personal development coach Pamela Aloia explained, "Sometimes you’re in a one-sided friendship if the friend doesn’t support your emotions or concerns. They may tend to minimize what you feel passionate about without trying to understand your perspective and diminish whatever situation you may be going through. Instead, these people may likely redirect the focus of the conversation to themselves or something completely different to avoid talking about your feelings and helping you through a tough spot."
6. Do you no longer share things in common?
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You may have grown up together or been roommates in college. That means you’ve been together for a lot of years, sharing lots in common. As you mature and build lives that are separate from each other, it takes more effort to maintain and sustain the friendship. Sometimes, so much has changed that you lose your common ground. This is natural. Another one of those seasons has ended, and it’s time to let go — without judgment or guilt.
"If you can honestly say that you no longer care for your friend anymore, it's okay to be honest about that change and make choices that reflect this new perspective," advised relationship coach Melanie Gorman. "Chances are that if you feel this way, your friend has a sense that something is amiss also."
7. Have you lost trust in them?
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Trust is a highly valued element in most relationships. Friendships are no different. When trust is eroded, everything changes. Believing what they say becomes difficult. Trusting your inner wisdom to know when to move on from a friendship can be hard, too.
So, when do you move on from a friendship? Is getting over it truly possible? When all else fails, the answers to these questions should make it quite clear.
- Does your friendship bring value to your life? Make a list of the value you derive from this relationship.
- What about the relationship works for you? What doesn’t work? Make another list.
One of the things I’ve learned as a life coach and as a friend is that when it comes time to move on from a friendship, there are a lot of emotions tied up in the decision. You might feel guilty about breaking up with a friend. The loss you feel can be deep, longing for how it used to be when it was good. The grief can be prolonged. And you can learn how to move on.
Like I said, simple but not easy. Getting over someone and moving on from a friendship can be hard — and it can hurt. But when the relationship turns toxic, and it feels harder to be with your friend than without them, it can result in you feeling better about yourself, more supported, and valued.
As you choose to let a friend go, there will be a hole in the fabric of your life where your friend used to be. Darning that hole will take a bit of time, mourning the loss, and grieving. In the long run, you will heal, become more resilient, and have more energy for the people and things in your life that lift you, rather than drag you down.
María Tomás-Keegan is a certified career and life coach for women and the founder of Transition & Thrive with María.
