The Art Of Healing: 4 Simple Practices To Honor The Past Without Living In It
Learn how to find meaning in your past, and still move forward with freedom and peace.
Athena Sandrini | Pexels Have you ever been with a friend, and you’re both laughing at the outfit of the person next to you while reminiscing about the time you thought a similar outfit was super-cute? Next thing you know, you’re talking about an ex and how badly things went between the two of you.
You share the story (again) where he yelled at you and you slammed the door in his face. Before long, you realize you’re feeling pretty bad. You notice your shoulders have slumped, your breathing has gotten shallow, and the muscles in your face are sagging. How the heck did that happen?
The past shapes us, but it doesn't have to trap us. Too often, old hurts and regrets — or even 'what-ifs' play on repeat in our minds, keeping us stuck in stories we've already lived. Healing from these experiences is about finding balance while refusing to let these old memories weigh us down.
Here are 4 simple practices to honor the past without living in it:
1. Be aware of your body language
Remember how we discussed the body changes that occurred to the woman in the scenario above? Her shoulders slumped, and her breathing changed. Our bodies are powerful communicators, as research on trauma and dissociation explained how past trauma "can be seen in patterns of gesture, posture, and physiology". If we pay attention to the signals our body is giving us, we can abort the trauma mission and get ourselves back to the fun of socializing.
Take a moment throughout your day, before you’re triggered, to notice your body posture and pay attention to the natural rhythm of your breath. If you know what your normal is and spend a few moments a day noticing that, you’ll be more sensitive to changes in your normal. In that way, you can quickly notice the subtle changes when your body is signaling danger.
2. Stay grounded
Maridav via Shutterstock
It’s natural for us to share and re-share the stories and the details of our lives. That is how we connect closely with others, so I wouldn’t suggest we all give up sharing. I would suggest that you find a way to ground yourself in the present.
Grounding simply means drawing attention to one of your senses. As you re-tell the breakup story, notice all the red items in the room, sniff a bottle of your favorite essential oil, or take your shoe off and rub your foot on the carpet. My personal favorite is to eat some creamy chocolate ice cream.
Any of these activities will help the body and brain recognize what is different about now from the time of the event.
3. Keep it contained
Our brains are really responsive to containers and to limits. Establishing a predetermined amount of time that you will discuss painful events can help keep the reactions contained. Having a gauge of your emotions will keep things from getting overwhelming.
A 2022 study explored the ways tone of voice, rhythm, pauses, and moments of loss are intertwined to show how trauma starts to live in speech. For example, I might say if I begin to cry, I will take 3 deep breaths, assess where I’m at in my brain and body (and especially my heart), and determine if I want to continue.
I may also give my friend permission to help me contain my response, so I let her know that if she notices my pitch changing or the loss of eye contact, she can call a time-out on the topic.
4. Take care of yourself
PR Image Factory via Shutterstock
A mind, body, and spirit that are well cared for are less susceptible to the experience of reliving. The investments we make in ourselves daily guard us against some of the side effects of trauma, as suggested by a study of mindfulness-based stress reduction for treating PTSD symptoms and brain response to traumatic reminders.
Taking time out to fortify our bodies with healthy, whole foods, exercising in a way that is right for our bodies, and giving attention to our spiritual needs is the armor we need to be able to manage the unfolding of traumatic responses in the brain.
Painful things that happen to us can get stored in the brain as trauma, and what that means is that the brain goes into and stays in survival mode. Even things like a breakup or a bad fight with our partner can be stored in the same area of the brain where memories of surviving a hurricane are stored.
When we start to talk about them, the survival region of the brain becomes activated, and the rest of the body can begin to experience the same emotions and sensations we felt on the day of the original event.
Our brains want to naturally make their way to healing, and we mistakenly think we can create some healing by talking about or reliving the moment he called us a terrible name. We replay those memories in an effort to get healing. However, we can’t get the healing we desire by replaying or reliving the event.
Going back to the moment of the event only re-traumatizes us. We heal when we can recognize that this thing we feel so powerfully now is not actually happening now — that it happened in the past.
In my trauma training, I learned the statement "keep one foot in the past and one foot in the present" when working through trauma. The pain of these memories can be so overwhelming that our brains get hijacked and we struggle to discern whether the event is historical or happening in the moment.
Losing the grip of trauma requires a "one foot in the past and one foot in the present" mindset to keep the brain from going into survival mode. Imagine trying to take a walk in the park when there are police sirens blaring and emergency personnel scurrying by.
All you can do is give your attention to what is immediate and looming large in your face. Walking stops, and maybe you even freeze.
If we want to let go of the past, we have to straddle the present and the past quite masterfully. The benefit of applying these strategies is that we can become the driver of our own bus. Putting in the effort to take care and not relive gives us the strength and energy we need to move forward.
Lydia Kickliter is a Licensed Professional Counselor who helps clients move forward in their lives.
