If You're Serious About Getting Over Someone, Say Goodbye To These 15 Habits First
Even though it hurts, you have to stop doing these things if you want to move on.
Hannah Popowski | Unsplash If you're suffering after a breakup, rest assured that you can and will learn how to get over someone you love and move on, even when the person in question is someone you once thought you'd love forever. No matter who did the dumping, it's your job to do the hard work of mending your broken heart and loving yourself the same way you deserve to be loved by anyone else.
Heartbreak is something most of us will face at one time or another over the course of our lives, so you are far from alone. In fact, there are likely millions of people like out there like you, wondering how to let go and move on. Unfortunately, the grieving process takes the one thing we can’t alter — time.
To help you get over your ex once and for all, I've compiled a list of steps based on professional experience as well as scientific research. Its effectiveness comes from the fact that it helps you truly heal and move on — not just pretend it never happened (which keeps you stuck).
If you're serious about getting over someone, say goodbye to these 15 habits first:
1. Suppressing your emotions
Speeding up the healing process requires taking the simple, albeit undeniably difficult first step of allowing the pain to wash over you.
Too often, people get caught in the false narrative of how important it is to always be positive. Because this means repressing their true emotions, they find themselves passively giving in to impulses and knee-jerk reactions, leaving them feeling helpless and out of control as they wonder why they’re still stuck and can't seem to move on.
Now let's be clear: You don’t need to (and you shouldn't) wallow in your emotions. But you should face your fears and truly feel whatever it is you feel so you can move through all the stages of grief during your breakup.
In order to do this, you must first free your mind from judgment by telling yourself that all of your emotions are acceptable, even the ones that make you feel bad.
Rather than continuing to run from the inevitable pain that comes with accepting such a thing, being honest with yourself requires you to then sit in your emotions and allow them marinate. Once you've done that, you'll be ready to take the next crucial steps.
2. Running away from the truth
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When you're in the midst of a breakup, it's normal to resist the experience and get caught in a trap of denial. You tell yourself you simply don’t deserve to go through so much pain. You want to believe you’re immune to life’s sorrows and that, if you just believe hard enough, it will all go away and everything will be fine.
Unfortunately, while it is true that you don't deserve to be in pain, that's just not the way life works. Only by being honest with yourself about the reality of what's happening can come to allow accept things as they are.
3. Not asking your loved ones for their support
Even though your heartbreak is a personal experience, you don’t have to go through all of it alone. Sure, no one else can feel what you’re feeling, but you can still rely on the people you love for support.
Anyone, from friends and family to coaches and therapists can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or a safe space where you can blow off a little steam.
You need to grieve the loss of your relationship and your ex before you can truly move on, and surrounding yourself with people who love you and a strong network of supporters can help you do that.
4. Not practicing self-care
No, this doesn't mean lotion and tissues — it means self-care. After a breakup, look at your wants and needs and take care of yourself on an emotional level.
What makes for the best, most effective self-care varies for every individual, so establish a self-care regimen that works for you. A lot of times that means eating delicious food with friends, joining a hiking club, or signing up for a yoga class. Maybe it means meditating or getting a massage.
5. Not working on self-improvement
It boils down to this: If there is something that will help you improve yourself, go out and do it. When you're working toward actionable goals for self-improvement, you'll feel happier, even when you're still on the mend after a bad breakup.
6. Ruminating
According to a small study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology in 2018, people who were suffering from heartbreak after the end of a relationship found distraction to be an effective way to cope with a breakup, especially if they can't stop ruminating. According to the study's abstract, "Distraction did not change love feelings but made participants feel more pleasant."
In other words, while distracting yourself from your heartbreak may not reduce the amount of love you feel for your ex, it can help you feel happier in general — which no doubt could also help you heal.
So make plans with friends, try something new and exciting, or maybe even take a little road trip. Anything to get your mind of your ex for a little while.
7. Staying inside
Scientific research has repeatedly found a strong link between happiness and exercise, and experiencing joy can help you get over someone by pulling you out of your funk.
You don't have to do hours of yoga or spend hours on a bike to feel good and experience this benefit. Michael Otto, PhD, a professor of psychology at Boston University, notes that the happiness-related benefits of exercise are often felt within five minutes of getting your body moving.
So take a little walk around the block or take a quick bike ride around the neighborhood, which can even help you manage and reduce stress and anxiety. Your body and your brain will be better for it.
8. Reliving your relationship
The 2018 study cited above showed that negative reappraisal, which is essentially shifting your focus toward the bad things, can be an effective way to get over someone you love. However, the study cites that it has a downside.
According to Romeo Vitelli, Ph.D., "Unfortunately, this involves dwelling on negative thoughts that can make an individual feel worse, at least in the short run. In the long run, however, negative reappraisal can be an effective coping strategy."
No human is perfect, so there are probably some negative aspects of your ex or your relationship for you to shift your focus toward. Don't hold onto these things and let negative emotions take over, but realistically face them.
9. Blaming yourself
One very effective way to reduce the feelings of love you have toward your ex is to try a technique called positive reappraisal. In this technique, you shift your focus to the positive aspects of the breakup.
For example, if you and your ex broke up because you were fighting so much, instead of lingering on how much it hurts, you could try reframing it as "Now we both get to have more peace and I have cleared the way for a new relationship where I can have more joy and easier communication."
Simply put, positive reappraisal is like finding a silver lining in a bad situation. You can't control your thoughts and feelings, but you can help direct your energy and your mind in ways that can help you heal.
10. Not trying anything new
Not only will a new experience help distract you from your heartbreak, it can seriously pull you out of a funk. It has been shown that trying new things can help you be happier.
From Time Magazine, "Psychologist Rich Walker of Winston-Salem State University looked at 30,000 event memories and over 500 diaries, ranging from durations of 3 months to 4 years, and says that people who engage in a variety of experiences are more likely to retain positive emotions and minimize negative ones than people who have fewer experiences."
In addition, trying something new can also help you feel braver and stronger, two things that will help you as you learn how to get over someone you love.
11. Lying on the couch
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The worst place to deal with a breakup is on your living room couch, where you're prone to getting stuck in your emotions. Instead, open yourself up to making new connections (even if it’s with old friends) and having new experiences (even if that means stepping outside of your comfort zone) as a way to help you get over someone. Keep moving, get out of the rut you feel stuck in.
You can only get true fulfillment when you’re willing to let yourself experience what life has to offer. Remember that objects in motion stay in motion, and emotion is motion.
Just like clouds floating across the sky, your emotions don't stay idle. Your emotions will pass by you eventually, which is why time heals (almost) all wounds.
12. Not using your brain
Research has found that making art can be incredibly healing. Get out the paints, make a mosaic, or build a piece of furniture.
It doesn't matter what it is or how the final product turns out, just flex your creativity. Just remember not to judge yourself, the outcome, or your process.
13. Eating badly
Our first reaction when we are sad is often to pop open a pint of ice cream — and that's not necessarily a bad thing. But over time, making healthier choices in what you eat and drink can help you feel happier and more resilient.
Dr. Eva Selhub, a physician, states that our happiness is very much tied to our overall diet in the long-term, explaining, "Eating high-quality foods that contain lots of vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants nourishes the brain and protects it from oxidative stress — the 'waste' (free radicals) produced when the body uses oxygen, which can damage cells."
In other words, your brain will work better when it's appropriately nourished. In addition, what we eat can greatly affect our moods. "Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps regulate sleep and appetite, mediate moods, and inhibit pain. Since about 95% of your serotonin is produced in your gastrointestinal tract, and your gastrointestinal tract is lined with a hundred million nerve cells, or neurons, it makes sense that the inner workings of your digestive system don’t just help you digest food, but also guide your emotions."
Finally, limit your alcohol intake. As WebMD explains, "Alcohol is a depressant. That means any amount you drink can make you more likely to get the blues. Drinking a lot can harm your brain and lead to depression."
Also, as we all know, drinking too much can lead us to make poor decisions like drunk-dialing the ex you're actively trying to get over, which can impede your process along these steps.
14. Social media stalking
Social media can do a wonderful job of helping us feel less alone, and if your social media use does that for you — or even just provides a short-term distraction or a little laughter — then that is great.
But if you find yourself on social media "stalking" your ex and their friends and family, that is likely an unhealthy habit and you'll benefit from stepping away from it for a while. Trust your gut, if being on Facebook or Instagram is making you feel worse, make a different choice while you're actively trying to get over someone you love.
15. Refusing to sit with your emotions
As part of your healing process, make an active choice to feel and experience your emotions when you have them. Deal with them. Acknowledge them. Be mad at them or sad at them. But allow yourself to exist with them in the moment.
Need help with sitting with your emotions? There’s an app for that! Insight Timer is an app you can use to give yourself a small block of time (start with 15 minutes or so) and allow yourself to simply sit with your emotions. You can ask yourself how to get over someone you love as you sit down, then just let all of the emotions wash over you. You may even get the answer from yourself.
So to help you get over your breakup more quickly, practice sitting with your emotions, accepting them, and then going on with your day. Sitting with your emotions regularly helps you remind yourself that, no matter how painful your breakup was, you are strong enough to survive it.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics.
