People Who've Overcome Major Challenges In Life Usually Have 10 Traits They Wish They Could Hide
halfpoint | Canva People who had difficult childhoods tend to feel the emotional impact of how they were raised well into adulthood. Even the strongest people who've overcome major life challenges carry a few subtle traits.
The patterns we learn in childhood aren't easy to break, no matter how strong we are. That's why so many people try to hide a few traits from the past.
People who've overcome major challenges in life often wish they could hide these 10 traits:
1. They use humor whenever things get uncomfortable
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Using dark humor as a coping mechanism is a trait that a person has had a hard life. Joking about their past becomes a way to protect themselves. Their use of humor to break the tension might make it seem like they're not still suffering, but really, their jokes are a mask they wear. Using humor as a coping mechanism does serve a purpose: it can be healing to find moments of levity in hard times.
If a person who had a hard life feels comfortable enough to actually talk about what they've gone through, they usually shrug it off by saying their experience wasn't that bad. According to therapist Eli Harwood, people with unresolved childhood issues tend to tell others that it wasn't so bad.
This is partly because they wish it were OK and partly due to the fact that it's all they knew. They found humor and moments of joy in their childhoods, even if they were challenging, and often found that cracking jokes was the best way to take some pressure off situations.
2. They get overly invested in other people's hardships
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People who've lived through challenges themselves are often deeply empathic and very attuned to other people's experiences. They seem to just get it, meaning that they don't need people to qualify where they're coming from, they accept others as they are.
Depending on their nature, they may become overly invested in other people's struggles. This can be a truly beautiful thing when they show up with a pot of soup for a sick friend or help organize a fundraiser for a friend who had a house fire, for example.
But when they go home at night and worry about that person so much they can't sleep well, night after night, it's a sign their empathy might be tapping into something from their own challenging past. As much as a person with a hard life shows compassion to others, showing that same compassion to themselves is a necessary part of healing.
3. They over-apologize
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For people who had to overcome a lot of challenges in childhood, saying sorry is a well-worn pattern, a habit they developed to pre-empt punishment or criticism. They don't want to put anyone out or be a burden.
It's a way for them to make sure they don't take up too much space. It often occurs in tandem with someone pushing their emotions aside or neglecting their own needs, since they don't want to be seen as a burden. Having needs doesn't make anyone an inconvenience, it just means you're human.
4. They're highly self-sufficient
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People who've overcome a lot are often so used to taking care of themselves that reaching out to others for support is too daunting to consider. Having a hard life means they cultivated a strong sense of resilience, which helped them push forward, even when everything felt too impossible to bear.
As valuable as resiliency is, even a person who had a hard life can't do everything on their own. They need support and community and tenderness, just like we all do.
5. They don't know how to accept kind gestures
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Having a hard life might mean they didn't receive generosity or understanding when they were younger, which leads to them struggling to accept those things as adults. They might have a hard time accepting compliments or believing that people want to help them, without expecting anything in return.
When children are offered unconditional love and support from their parents, they tend to see the world as a safe place, where people are genuine and kind. But if they're raised in an unstable or damaging environment, they don't necessarily believe that people's intentions are good.
In order to shift their beliefs and learn to accept kindness from others, a person who had a hard life has to reexamine their fundamental ideas about relationships. While it isn't simple work, it will guide them toward opening their hearts more easily.
6. They don't trust people easily
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Having trust issues often stems from past traumas. Licensed clinical social worker Robert Taibbi explained that children who can't rely on their parents to provide adequate care or protection learn that people can't really be trusted. This distrust affects their attachment style. Instead of seeing people as a source of love and support, their lack of trust means they don't let others in.
Trauma affects more than your ability to put trust in others; it often means you don't trust yourself or the world around you. According to trauma experts, people who experience intense distress believe their future will have no meaning. This sense of hopelessness is known as a "sense of a foreshortened future." It might lead you to believe that you don't deserve good things, like a steady job or a healthy relationship.
It's not easy to unlearn patterns of distrust. Recognizing that you have a hard time trusting people is the first step toward building a sense of trust. Redefining your values and thinking deeply about how you want to exist in the world can help reset your worldview to be more trusting. With practice, you can break the cycle and pave your own way, one that moves beyond your past trauma.
7. They change topics when conversations get too personal
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They might not feel ready or able to share what they've been through, so they shift the focus away from themselves when talking to other people. It might feel difficult to truly get to know a person who had a hard life, since they don't open up easily.
Vulnerability is a skill, one that has to be learned and practiced. Licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard revealed that vulnerability is a necessary ingredient for building trust and true intimacy in relationships.
"You might be freezing out the opportunity for love because you're afraid to let your authentic self shine and to share your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes," she explained. "While all relationships present risks, they are risks worth taking."
"Healthy partnerships are within reach if you let go of fear and believe you're worthy of love and all of the gifts it has to offer," Gaspard concluded.
8. They like to keep a very steady routine
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Routines provide a person who had a hard life with a sense of stability and safety that they probably weren't given on a regular basis. They find comfort in having a strict schedule, because knowing what comes next eases their anxiety. Relying on a routine lets them feel like they have control over at least one small part of their life.
While routines are beneficial in that they provide structure and can help someone manage their time, being flexible is also an important trait to have. Even with a routine, some things can't be predicted. Knowing how to move with the flow of unexpected events isn't always easy for a person who rigidly adheres to routines.
Keeping an open mind and tending to their emotional needs can help a person who had a hard life stay grounded, especially in moments of turmoil, when their routines might be disrupted.
9. They have a difficult time relaxing
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When you've overcome major challenges, it's easy have a heightened sense of internal pressure. Even when you look calm on the outside, there's a lot going on inside!
Sometimes it's easier to keep very busy and even create chaos to avoid all the busy-ness inside. Their tendency to keep themselves busy means they don't take the time they need to reset and recenter themselves.
It's almost as if they run on stress, which isn't tenable in the long run. At some point, they'll hit a wall or run out of fuel. Their likelihood of burning out is high, unless they take actionable steps to decompress.
Part of taking care of ourselves means giving ourselves permission to rest, just for the sake of it. Everyone deserves time dedicated just to themselves, where they can do things that nourish them, which might mean doing nothing, at all.
10. They withdraw when faced with conflict
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Being conflict-avoidant might be the direct result of childhood trauma. If they were raised in a home where fighting was normal, it's highly possible that they try to prevent confrontation as much as possible, so they go silent or withdraw during conflicts.
Learning that conflict doesn't always equate to explosive anger or unchecked outbursts is part of learning how to be in conflict in healthy ways. It might take major self-reflection to get there, but even a person who had a hard life can overcome that emotional hurdle, if they're provided with loving support.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
