8 Subtle Signs You're Dealing With A Truly Difficult Person
The signs of a difficult person are easy to spot if you are willing to let yourself see them.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock When you first meet someone, they may seem confident, charming, and challenging (in an intriguing way). But soon you notice signs that you may, in fact, be dealing with a truly difficult person.
Love-hate relationships seem funny, and even romantic... in the movies. But in real life, they wreak havoc on your health and happiness. Difficult people make you second-guess yourself constantly and question your sanity whenever you try to solve everyday issues. Often, it's not that they won't play nice; they can't. And you can't change them or fix them, either. You might think that if only you were more patient, nurturing, kind, or understanding, these problems would stop. If you're feeling that way, you need to look squarely at these eight traits and see how many your partner has. If the answer is a lot, you'll probably want to get some help.
These are 8 subtle signs you're dealing with a truly difficult person
1. You question whether you can trust them
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You tell yourself that you're safe with them, but all too often you find there are cracks in the foundation, and misplace your trust.
They go so far that you feel like a bad person for not trusting them, even though you know you cannot.
2. They are hard to communicate with
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Communication with them is usually vague and confusing. Nothing ever seems permanently pinned down. Everything is in flux. Decisions you think you made together get changed, negated, or twisted.
This leaves you twisting in the wind, which is pretty much exactly how they like it.
3. They have no real interest in stopping conflict
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They seem bound and determined to keep them going, and you're right: these people thrive on conflict and want to keep things in a state of constant chaos.
They have no interest in making things easier for anyone, including themselves, but especially you.
4. They won't let you get close to them emotionally
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As soon as you get too close (by their definition), they do something to break the connection. Yet, strangely, they tell you that you are the one who is emotionally distant.
People with these traits fear closeness, all the while claiming that they don't get enough of it.
5. They blame you for everything.
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It's always your fault. It's never their fault. If, by chance, you're not the one blamed, then it's the weather, the family, the office, the government, or God. For that reason, you often finally give up trying to solve problems, and too often, you give in.
Attempts at being rational with them are exhausting. You can't be right because they cannot be wrong!
6. They act on feelings, not facts
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Their response to any situation is how they feel about it, not focusing on what actually happened. Because they feel it, it makes it so, and what you think has no bearing on the matter.
They also make assumptions and presumptions about your ideas, feelings, motives, and needs. They won't ask you directly. They honestly believe — and need to believe — that they know you better than and more in-depth than you know yourself.
7. They are incapable of self-reflection
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When you are so busy making assumptions about your partner, and knowing that your partner is always wrong, why bother with introspection? Also, self-reflection is for courageous people who are not afraid of life.
People with the traits described here find the very idea of looking inward completely terrifying.
8. They operate from fear at all times
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That is why every disagreement is a possible war. They fear any conversation they cannot control. That's why nothing is ever their fault; they're petrified that the opposite is a possibility.
If these traits set off alarm bells for you, don't panic. When your partner has these traits, you will either argue a whole lot, or one of you will shut down, withhold, and dish out the silent treatment. Neither strategy will work.
If you love your partner and you want the relationship to work, you'll need some expert help to shift your thinking, move away from blame, and establish some new patterns of interaction. Unfortunately, you'll need to change first. Only then will you know what's possible for the relationship.
Problematic behaviors may persist, but you can put an end to second-guessing yourself and questioning yourself. Underneath, they are confident and charming, mysterious and delightful, but you need help. You cannot solve this on your own.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, has spent the past 30 years helping couples navigate challenging relationships.
