People Who Struggle To Give Themselves Grace Usually Display These 6 Stubborn Traits
Some people are kind to everyone but themselves.
annastills | Canva "Get out of my way!" That’s me, talking to me, because I can be my own biggest obstacle. Possibly, it’s you talking to you because you might also be your own biggest obstacle. You're way too hard on yourself. You don't give yourself grace. Bottom line: we’re in this quagmire together.
There are many ways we get in our own way: we indulge in unhealthy habits, fail to establish healthy habits, procrastinate, ignore uncomfortable circumstances, and face life with resignation rather than joy.
We can live in a world of "Someday, I’ll take care of that" and accept the status quo, however unhappy we are with the status quo. We have things that we "should" do and beat ourselves up for not doing them. There's a way out of the quicksand. It’s simple to start, and lifelong practice will continually build these skills of having more grace, not just for others, but for yourself, too.
People who struggle to give themselves grace usually display these 6 stubborn traits:
1. They hang onto moral judgments about themselves
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You’re not bad for doing (or not doing) what you’ve done (or haven’t done). What you may be is ineffective. Ineffective isn’t bad — it’s just ineffective. And it’s much easier to become effective when you respect yourself. Start now.
Studies show that a higher gap between one's ideal moral self and their perceived moral self-image is significantly linked with increased depression. This intense internal scrutiny can escalate to an individual believing they are fundamentally inadequate, worthless, and undeserving of happiness.
2. They get stuck in the 'should' cycle
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Get rid of "should" because it's a very judgmental word and creates barriers to action. Substitute the thought that certain things need to be done, and you’re the one to handle them.
Instead of "I should empty the dishwasher," try "The dishwasher did its job and the dishes are clean. I can put them in the cabinet now." You’ll get the same result without doing yourself wrong in the process.
Research links self-critical thinking to higher rates of depression and anxiety. When people constantly tell themselves they "should be happier" or "shouldn't feel this way," it amplifies feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy.
3. They focus too much on the big picture
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Manage the overwhelm by breaking projects down into smaller, easily handled tasks. After all, the roads of the Roman Empire weren’t built in a day: they were built one cobblestone at a time.
Your projects — and your life — are no different. Big projects consist of smaller components that can be handled one task at a time. Some of these smaller steps might be quite easy to accomplish. Surprise yourself with accomplishments.
4. They fail to recognize their progress and growth
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Empower yourself with action — any forward-moving action. Take baby steps. Tackle the easy stuff first. Acknowledge yourself, in the moment, for getting into action.
Regularly monitoring one's progress is a crucial process for translating goals into action, one study argued. When people do not recognize their progress, they lose a sense of momentum and may become discouraged, making it harder to stay motivated toward their goals.
5. They dismiss their accomplishments or forget them altogether
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Congratulate yourself. Seriously. Write down your accomplishments on paper or your iPhone notes app. Remember that there's no small success — there's only success, and the small successes are as meaningful as the big ones. One tool to consider is a Done List, rather than a To-Do List, that you can use to record your daily successes.
Regularly downplaying your successes reinforces negative self-beliefs and diminishes your sense of self-worth. A 2016 study also revealed that minimizing achievements is a core feature of imposter syndrome, in which high-achieving individuals are unable to internalize their accomplishments.
6. They expect change to happen overnight
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Remember that being effective is a way of life. If it were possible to stumble into being effective, you would have done so already. Expect that you won’t always be effective because nobody is always effective. What's important is that you renew your commitment to your life, your projects, and your new way of tackling your life head-on.
So, when you're learning how to get out of your own way, forget the judgments. You’re not bad, lazy, incompetent, or any other negative adjective. "Should" is a club that can knock you senseless. Don’t use it on yourself (or others).
Psychologists have identified a phenomenon known as the false hope syndrome, which explains why people repeatedly fail in their self-improvement attempts. This cycle of initial optimism followed by failure and eventual abandonment of the goal explains why so many New Year's resolutions are unsuccessful.
Small is feasible. Take baby steps and acknowledge them. Do something — anything that propels you forward is an accomplishment. Take note of what you’ve accomplished. Be proud of yourself.
Don’t despair. Keep the faith. Record your accomplishments and continue to move forward, mastering every baby step along your journey.
Susan Kulakowski, MS/MBA, is a consultant interested in human relationships, especially relationships within families.
