People Who Go From Total Stressballs To Calm, Happy Humans Let Go Of These 4 Habits
Spotting internal shame and struggle means an opportunity to clear it away.
mododeolhar | Canva As a recovering perfectionist, I would agonize over the "shoulds" in the world and use them as ammunition against myself. My list of "shoulds" was a list of failures and ways to remind myself that I’m lacking. For other people, the signs that perfectionism is turning you into a ball of stress or harming your self-esteem may be less obvious.
Fueled by perfect images on social media, our thoughts of what we, our kids, and our partners "should" be like or be doing right now will impact us going forward. The people who are able to identify their self-sabotaging perfectionism are able to find their calm, happiest lives.
People who go from stressballs to calm, happy humans let go of these four habits
1. The 'shoulds'
The desire for perfectionism can do more harm than good in our lives.
- "As it should be..."
- "You should..."
- "I should..."
How often do you hear some variation of these kinds of statements, either within yourself and your thoughts or from others in our world?
When I find myself feeling either overwhelmed, irritated with obligations or people, sad, or in a state of shame, I've learned to try to pause and think things through before reacting too much.
A study showed how perfectionists will use an elevated sense of self-perfection to create meaning and identity through autobiographical narratives. So, I try to check in with myself to see what the narrative or story I'm telling myself about the situation.
2. Unrealistic expectations
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When we have expectations of ourselves based on ideals, they are usually rooted more in fantasy than reality. For example, as a mom who is also a therapist and parent consultant, I should always be able to set effective boundaries with my son. He’s a toddler, so this is entirely unrealistic.
But in my head, effective boundaries equal him listening to me when I ask him to do things. And, well, that apparently is not the way it goes on any day ending in "y"! So, this is one of those expectations that was unconscious and unknown until the quarantine. We are home so much more with him, so we feel tested and lack patience.
And the moments when I'm at my least patient and just want him to listen are when the "shoulds" come in. Thoughts like, "If only I were parenting better, he would listen all the time...," or, "A better therapist would always be caring and patient with a toddler," and, my favorite, "When I babysat and nannied, the kids listened to me and I didn’t take it all so personally."
Honestly, deep in my heart, I know that kids generally listen better to everyone but their parents. But when it’s my kid not listening to me, it feels so much harder!
We are inundated with information about what we "should" be doing, which essentially becomes a list of the ways we are failing. I’ve decided that I’m done with statements like that.
3. Getting stuck in self-defeating language
The mixed messages between "Take care of your health" and "You should really get your beach body." are downright confusing. Additionally, we are all operating in more isolation than we have in the past, so we have less positive input from others as well as fewer opportunities to feel supported interpersonally.
This leads us to be ripe for insecurity and uncertainty about our choices. We are especially vulnerable to shaming statements that lead with the idea of "should." It’s important to note that our ideal thoughts of who we should be or want to be are just that — an ideal.
Figure out what language is a good cue to pay attention to, so you can take a step back and work through your expectations a bit more. For me, "should" is a big one as well as anytime I bump up on ideal kinds of expectations, which honestly almost always include the word "should," as well.
However, some might have other words that come up while feeling this way or that trigger these feelings. It's up to all of us to try and figure out how we interact with language, expectations, and ideals so that we can better manage our responses.
4. Ignoring a deeper need in order to achieve external goals
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It’s great if you use the idea of your ideal self as motivation in a kind and self-compassionate way. But trouble comes once we weaponize the ideal. Often, if I'm feeling frustrated about "shoulds," it might indicate a lack of balance or unresolved feelings about a decision I've made.
Research in the psychology of perfectionism explained how striving for achievement recognition or the desire for control are behind perfectionism and motivate some perfectionists to engage and others to disengage.
It's crucial for parents to try to learn to check in with themselves about their own needs and ask themselves if they are being met. This helps ensure that we're reacting from a place of intention and our best selves.
Even in our current "shelter in place" situations, we need to try to figure out what is missing and what on Earth we can do about it.
Erica Wollerman is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Therapy Studio.
