People Who Choose To Be Miserable For No Reason Seem To Be Incapable Of Understanding 9 Simple Things
Maria Evseyeva | Shutterstock We all know somebody who seems chronically unhappy, and while it’s not our job to help or fix them per se, sometimes just being there to lend an ear or to let them vent is all it takes to regulate them; and yet, when it comes down to it, if they don't understand a few simple things, it won't matter how much help you offer.
People who choose to be miserable seem to be incapable of understanding some basic things:
1. Detachment is underrated
Polina Kovaleva | Pexels
Unhappy people are too attached to things and too attached to outcomes. Heck, they may also be too attached to certain people (read: the wrong people). But here’s where the subtle art of detachment comes into play. Because if we detach ourselves too far from outcomes, we lose our sense of purpose, forgetting what our goals and dreams were to begin with.
If we detach too far from people, we become aloof and cold. And if we become too detached from things, we may surrender the creature comforts that improve our lives. All it takes is a little balance. Unhappy people struggle to find balance in their lives. They struggle to prioritize what really matters.
2. Speak less and listen more
fauxels | Pexels
We tend to equate unhappiness with depression. But they aren’t the same. Depression is a clinical diagnosis, and that’s not what this article is about. Unhappiness affects most people at some point in their lives. I know an unhappy woman who talks a lot. This woman isn’t depressed. She isn’t sullen and withdrawn; quite the opposite. She’s a rambler, a steamroller.
Typically, I can't get a word in during my conversations with her. On the few rare occasions I squeezed in a word or two, she steamrolled right over me, finishing my sentences and interrupting my attempts to contribute. And to make matters worse, because her listening skills are so poor, I've caught her on more than one occasion twisting my words and spreading mis-truths about me around our small town because she thought she heard me say (fill in the blank).
I don’t think this was malicious behavior. The truth is, she simply wasn’t listening. And when we don’t listen, we naturally draw our own conclusions and make assumptions based on bits and pieces of information we’ve gathered. Unhappy
3. Nobody actually cares what you do
Andrea Piacquadio | Pexels
We were all insecure pre-teens once. And unfortunately, unhappy people never grow out of this ego-centric mindset. They still assume everyone is watching them. Newsflash: nobody’s watching you. Everyone’s got their own problems to deal with. You’re not the main character in anyone else’s playbook; not even your Mom thinks about you as much as you think she does. Your mom’s got her own set of problems, too (we tend to forget our moms are actual people with real lives). For some, this reality may feel like a slap in the face. But for others? It’s freeing. If nobody cares about your mess-ups, that means you’re free to try and fail as many times as you wish without fear of others watching and judging. Pretty cool, eh?
4. Acceptance and settling aren’t the same things
Moose Photos | Pexels
Accepting what we can't control is a truly beautiful thing. Refusing to accept what we can’t control is like beating our heads against a brick wall and expecting miracles. But acceptance, like anything, can be taken too far. This is when settling occurs. Unhappy people tend to settle in life. They settle because they’ve convinced themselves they have no control over certain aspects.
The angry mom continues to yell at her kids because she doesn’t realize she has the power to change. She accepts anger as her default setting and settles for being a good enough parent. The disgruntled employee feels trapped in his job and blames the economy for his lack of job prospects. He accepts his position and settles, staying in a job he hates for far too long. But he accepts the benefits, location, and pay as enough for him; his current position ticks three out of his ten career boxes, so why change? Unhappy people choose to live this way because change is hard. Change is also scary. It’s a lot easier to convince ourselves we have no control over things we wish to change than it is to actually change them.
5. Deadlines and timelines aren’t the end-all, be-all
Designecologist | Pexels
This goes back to getting hung up on outcomes. Unhappy people tend to set unrealistic expectations for themselves. The woman who stands firm in her conviction to be married and pregnant by age twenty-eight is the same woman who ultimately marries for the wrong reasons and ends up divorced. Entrepreneurship or business ownership by age thirty? Sounds nice, but it’s too rigid. You may end up pursuing the wrong type of work and pushing yourself to the point of burnout just to achieve an arbitrary goal by an arbitrary deadline. Unhappy people are too rigid with their preferred outcomes.
6. Weakness is nothing to be ashamed of
Olha Yefimova
Look, we’re all weak in one way or another. We all have flaws. And the sooner you can admit this to yourself, the faster you’ll find yourself on a path toward happiness. One of my best friends called me the other day. She explained that she’d been experiencing impostor syndrome as she navigates building a new career in an unfamiliar field.
Describing her waning motivation, she said, I feel like a loser. My response? We’re all losers. Some of us just hide it better. But unhappy people put on a front. They play perfect, as if they’re the star in some defunct Off-Broadway production. They’re too insecure to present their real selves to the world; to allow themselves to be seen, zits and all. It’s our strengths and our weaknesses that make us human.
7. Asking for help is a secret power
fizkes | Shutterstock
Admitting weakness is one thing. But being able to ask for help is like leveling up ten times. Asking for help is hard for a lot of people. But unhappy people flat-out refuse. They won’t admit that asking for help shows humility and a lack of ego: both positive traits that draw people toward us.
Unhappy people seem to believe that if they can’t solve every problem on their own, if they can’t sustain living on an island in a sea full of imperfect people, they’ve somehow failed. We live in a highly toxic, individualized, self-focused society. It’s the unhappy people who can’t see through the toxicity. Instead, they feed into it.
8. Placing unrealistic expectations on others leads to disappointment
fizkes | Shutterstock
This goes back to realizing what we have control over and what we don’t have control over. Happy people seem to understand that they can’t control other people; happy people don’t even try. Unhappy people tend to place high expectations on others and believe they’ll be able to enforce their desires by using manipulative tactics. Of course, this simply leads to more unhappiness.
Expressing our needs and setting clear boundaries is healthy. But unhappy people take things a step too far. They expect the people in their lives to live up to their (often) unrealistic standards. But none of us enjoy living up to other people’s standards. Not at all. Even if we love that person, if their standards and expectations are too high, we begin to feel the noose tightening around our necks.
The tightening may be imperceptible at first, but it grows over time until, eventually, the ones we love have pushed us away entirely. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being controlled. And when unhappy people place unrealistic expectations on loved ones, that’s exactly how they make their loved ones feel.
9. Solitude and loneliness have nothing to do with each other
fizkes | Shutterstock
Unhappy people can’t stand being alone. For some, it’s so uncomfortable that the sheer thought of solitude makes their skin crawl. But solitude is a good thing. I’d even argue it’s a necessity for growth. Without solitude, we have no time to think and reflect. And without reflection, there’s no room for personal growth.
Unhappy people avoid solitude at all costs, ultimately believing solitude and loneliness are one and the same. But believe me when I say they are not the same. I’ve been in crowded rooms full of people and felt extremely lonely. When we fail to connect with others on a deeper level, loneliness will follow, no matter how many people we’re surrounded by.
Unhappy people are too scared to sit alone with their own thoughts. Perhaps they fear what they’ll encounter. Perhaps they’re scared of change or of facing their own demons head-on. But if there’s one thing I know, clarity thrives in solitude. And what do we have without clarity and peace? Unhappiness.
Again, this article has nothing to do with depression, a clinical issue that takes professional skill and ability to treat. Depression requires a diagnosis. If you believe you might be depressed, please seek professional help so you can begin the healing process.
Depression and unhappiness are not the same. Unhappy people are all around us. They’re the people who grumble and complain at every opportunity. They’re the ones who, without fail, get in their own way repeatedly while never learning from past mistakes.
They’re stubborn and unwilling to change. They’re drinking from a half-full glass, and they are forever victims. We all know somebody who seems chronically unhappy. And while it’s not our job to help them per se, sometimes just being there to lend an ear or to be a shoulder to cry on is all it takes to elevate them.
Because you never know, it may be your simple act of kindness that promotes self-awareness in an unhappy friend or family member. And hopefully, over time, that increased self-awareness might prompt a willingness to change. Because we could all use an extra dose of happiness from time to time.
Shlee Speilman is an aimless learner, experimental writer, pseudo-professional home chef, dog mom, cat mom, kid mom, wife. Writing on mental health, wellness, self-improvement, and perspective.
