Truly Narcissistic People Often Do These 11 Things That Ruin Everyone Else's Good Time
Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock No matter what you celebrate, if you have a truly narcissistic person in your life, you can count on them to try to ruin everyone's good time. People having fun without attention on the narcissist? They simply won't stand for it.
With all the narcissists I’ve had in my life, starting with my mother, I can’t count the hours I’ve spent trying to cheer them or get them to slow down on drinking themselves into oblivion. Finally, I learned the secret: let them act out as much as they want and give up on the idea that somehow you can change them (or the outcome). To start, prepare yourself for some common selfish behavior that might come out when others are enjoying themselves.
Truly narcissistic people often do these 11 things that ruin everyone else's good time
1. They hijack the conversation
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Truly narcissists people make sure that all conversational roads lead back to them. They may not say, "Enough about me, what do you think about me," but they’re ticking off the time in their heads until they can bring the focus back to them. Obviously, this ruins everyone else's good time.
Statistics from the American Psychiatric Association tell us that 1-3% of the American population are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), but there are many people who have narcissistic traits. One thing most people with narcissistic traits (diagnosed with NPD or not) have in common is a true passion for talking about themselves — or at least what they want to be talking about (and nothing else).
To a narcissist, there’s no question, that they’re the most interesting person in the room, and that's why they so often hijack conversations or manipulate the topics so they can stay in control.
2. They make every celebration about them
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It’s almost a thing of beauty how a truly narcissist person can take a christening, a wedding, or even a birthday and make it about them. Just when you think it's impossible, the spotlight shifts.
Narcissists feed off attention because, underneath all that grandstanding and overt displays of over-confidence, they’re insecure. Research has even determined that narcissism is overall driven not by grandiosity (as was long thought), but by insecurity.
They need to have people reaffirm their supposed greatness. They need spotlight to know they still exist, and they'll do almost anything to get it.
3. They're quick to confront
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Any perceived slight, indifference, or grudge is likely to set truly narcissistic people off. Most people would ignore it or talk about it quietly with a friend, but not a narcissist. They need to make a big issue of it.
Narcissists thrive off confrontation and conflict, and if there isn’t any, they’re going to whip some up. It’s useless to ask a narcissist not to make a scene because that’s what they live for — big, messy scenes that cause further tension.
According to psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, arguing with a narcissist is not a good use of your time. That's because they thrive on conflict and feed off of it.
"Anyone can change, but a narcissistic person won't change," she told Mel Robbins. So you can engage with their confrontation, but it likely won't change anything.
4. They use your vulnerability against you
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Letting yourself be vulnerable is usually a good thing, but not when there are narcissists involved. Tell them you like talking with someone at a party or at work, and they’ll start flirting with them or they’ll transform your feelings into a weapon they can use to get you to do what they want.
Never tell a secret to a narcissist, and never share with them your deepest feelings because if you do, it could be used as a funny story or a manipulation for the narcissist. Remember, a truly narcissistic person isn't going to change, and even someone who only has narcissistic traits won't change unless they want to, and they usually do not.
5. They create conflict
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Why do truly narcissistic people enjoy pitting one person against another? Because it makes them feel powerful, and it’s entertaining for them to watch. They think nothing of telling lies or manipulating people by using confidential information to do this. Narcissists will complement one child while finding the flaws of another.
Sometimes narcissists will be in the middle of a conflict and bring someone else in. According to psychology, this is called narcissistic triangulation and they do this to avert the focus of the tension onto someone else and bolster their feelings of self-worth.
6. They're always the victim
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No one does the victim role better than a narcissist, and they love to do it to ruin everyone else's good time. They can interpret anything as a slight, an attack, or a burn, and they cover themselves in victimhood as if it were a cozy robe. Victimhood = Attention in the narcissist’s mind.
For example, when a narcissist is at a party and they miss out on the last glass of wine or the appetizers they had their eye on run out, the narcissist will take that as something that occurred to deliberately hurt them. Narcissists are always the injured party, even when whatever happened had nothing to do with them or if they're the ones that caused the problem int he first place.
7. They manipulate the timeline
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Truly narcissistic people will even manipulate a timeline in order to be the center of attention and ruin everyone's good time. For example, if dinner is being served at 7:30, then the narcissist won’t be there until 8:15 or later.
They love making people wait for them, as it’s another thing that makes them feel powerful.
I had a friend who was notoriously late for everything. Finally, after years of her tardiness, I started telling her the start time was an hour earlier than it was. Of course, she came to the earlier time and was hurt that I’d tried to trick her into being prompt.
Any kind of event scheduling, the narcissist is going to try tinker with. You get to choose whether you let them do that or not.
8. They never give without expecting something in return
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Narcissists never give a gift without expecting something in return. At a wedding party, birthday, or shower, the narcissist will often go overboard and give an extravagant gift. They do this so that they appear generous to everyone at the gathering, not because they want to be kind or make the other person happy.
Narcissists expect a gift of the same caliber to be given to them and when it’s not, they will get extremely angry. Even if they get a wonderful gift, it won't be enough because their need for what's called narcissistic supply are a bottomless pit.
The best course of action for any party, gathering, or event, is to not invite the narcissist if you can avoid it. Narcissists not only don’t care if they ruin the festivities, but they’re hoping they do, because then they're in control.
9. They set unreasonable rules around everything
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Everyone has that friend who sets a million rules around day trips, group vacations, and even dinners out. Not just someone who has a food allergy and needs to go somewhere that has options for what they can eat, or someone prone to migraines who can't go to the rave, but someone whose needs are primarily designed to control the outcome and get attention.
Truly narcissistic won't quietly opt out of something that doesn't work for them, they'll make a big deal about feeling abandoned or ignored because people went to the rave without them. Compromises won't appease them, what they really want is to ruin everyone else's good time because it's not centered around them.
10. They chase chaos and tragedy
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People with narcissistic traits love to be seen showing up for someone in need, but they rarely stick around after the selfies have been taken and their dramatic photos have been posted to social media. They're in it for the narcissistic supply, not to do good work.
When other people are trying to have fun, truly narcissistic people will bring in the drama, talking about the latest crisis or drama and centering themselves in the story.
If you have a friend who seems narcissistic that shows up with their own drama or to help with your drama, be aware that they might be narcissistic. That doesn't mean you should reject their help or support, but rather that you should have healthy boundaries and expectations around their behavior.
11. They violate all the boundaries
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Just when everyone else is having a good time, the true narcissist will show up and start crossing lines and violating boundaries. Whether that's with inappropriate language and behavior or something more subtle, like talking about subjects they know will make people uncomfortable, it's like the narcissistic person just can't stop making a mess.
The trickiest part of dealing with narcissistic people is that sometimes their willingness to stand out makes them fun and compelling. They're often unique and seem confident and funny. The problem is, there's often a dark side to this coin, and it sneaks up on you.
According to clinical therapist Karyl McBride, Ph.D., "Deciding to distance yourself is the easy part. Sticking to that decision is where most people struggle. "
That's why it's important to hold establish the boundaries, communicate them and be willing to enforce them. Otherwise, the narcissist will continue stealing your joy.
Christine Schoenwald is a writer, performer, and frequent contributor to YourTango. She's had articles featured in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, Bustle, Medium, Huffington Post, Business Insider, and Woman's Day, among many others.
