People Who Get Way Too Angry For Their Own Good Say 12 Phrases Way Too Often
microcosmos | Shutterstock Nobody wants to be labeled as angry. It's looked down on, as if you are out-of-control and irrational. In reality, everyone gets angry, but only some people have a self-destructive level of anger that causes them to lash out.
While there's no such thing as a bad feeling, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express anger. When it reaches the point where someone is saying these phrases regularly, it's only time until they start pushing people away.
People with anger issues say these phrases way too often:
1. 'I'm done with this'
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Feeling angry is part of being a person in relationship with others, and it's the way we navigate anger that matters most. People with serious anger issues let the feeling consume them, which means they reach their breaking point constantly.
When that happens, they're more likely to say something like, "I'm done with this" or "I'm done with you" or even directly threatening divorce, breakup or other end of a friendship or connection. The problem is, they say it often enough to cause serious insecurity in their relationships.
According to psychologist Bernard Golden, PhD, recognizing anger when it's still small is a key part of handling it with grace. Having high emotional intelligence is crucial in helping people deal with anger in constructive rather than destructive ways.
A healthy way to manage anger involves pressing pause and reflecting on what you're thinking and feeling, while immediately reacting is a sign of unhealthy anger management.
The higher a person's emotional intelligence is, the greater their capacity for self-regulation is. It's not easy to sit with hard feelings, yet people who hold space for discomfort can stop their anger from ramping up and taking over.
2. 'Get out of my face'
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There's nothing wrong with needing space during conflict; in fact, asking to take a time out is a sign that a person knows how to de-escalate tension. Stepping away from an argument and forcefully telling someone to get out of your face are very different things.
Taking a step away works well when you do it before you say something mean, and "get out of my face" is mean. When you say something like that and then leave, you're no longer taking a break, you're lobbing a grenade and running out of the room.
Outbursts feel great in the moment for people with anger issues. But as soon as the adrenaline wears off, the anger turns to shame. The two emotions are often deeply entwined, and shame can easily perpetuate serious anger issues when it's not dealt with in a healthy way.
3. 'Don't test me right now'
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While many parents have said this phrase to their kids when they're running wild, in adult relationships, it reveals a subtle aggression that could quickly boil over. It's a low-key threat that indicates a person has uncontrolled and serious anger issues.
Some people with serious anger issues turn their anger inwards, holding grudges and ruminating on negative thoughts. They experience a quiet, seething rage, hiding under the surface at all times.
Other people's uncontrolled anger is more explosive. Their extreme turmoil eats away at them, turning into aggressive outbursts over seemingly unimportant issues. They frame their anger as something other people cause, which is why they say phrases like "don't test me right now."
This phrase is designed as a threat, which is why people never seem to be able to fully trust people with anger issues.
4. 'I'm about to lose it'
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This phrase operates as a double-edged sword. It shows the person is aware they're triggered, which is the first step to dealing with anger constructively. The problem is, unless it's followed by "let's take a break and cool off," it just feels like a threat. They haven't learned how to take responsibility for and diffuse their anger just yet.
The only effective way for people to get anger out of their bodies is by lowering physiological arousal, which is an intellectual way to say that cooling off and calming down decreases rage. It means taking a break and managing your own feelings so they don't become someone else's problem.
The techniques used to manage stress also help with anger. Deep breathing, meditating, and practicing mindfulness or yoga help people release anger and find some sense of inner peace. And when you need that break, remind the person you'll resolve the disagreement soon.
5. 'You just don't understand, do you?'
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This phrase seems like a question, but it's actually a declaration that implicates other people in their anger. There's no correct answer for this alleged question. Saying, "I don't understand," proves them right, giving them permission to stew in self-righteous rage. Saying, "I do understand," could cause them to blow up or call you a liar.
Any question someone asks that doesn't have a pathway to answer in an honest, safe way is not a question, it's an angry person backing someone into a corner. While this may feel to the angry person like a win, as nobody can really argue with it, it's self-destructive because most people will avoid someone who treats them like this or never fully trust them.
If someone uses phrases like this at work, it's a quick way to make enemies and even end a career.
6. 'Why am I the only person who can do this correctly?'
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Yet another question that has no answer and is designed to be an insult rather than a legitimate attempt to connect and understand. You won't answer it right, so don't even try.
People who say this phrase think they're better than everyone else. They use their superiority complex to justify their serious anger issues and their lack of empathy shows their low emotional intelligence, which directly affects how they handle anger.
According to experts, emotional intelligence can help people angry buffer their anger, but when someone says something like this, it shows they lack empathy overall, at least when they're angry. Empathy can act as a safeguard against destructive anger.
Empathic people acknowledge that we all share a common humanity, which guides them away from bitterness toward generosity. If they make a mistake and say something like this, instead of lashing out in defensiveness, they apologize. And that's a big difference.
7. 'I don't have time for this'
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This phrase is totally normal for people to say when they're overwhelmed and literally don't have time. But, when used by people who get too angry for their own good, it is a way of saying, "you are not important to me" or "this thing we're doing is below me."
Someone with anger issues has low tolerance for frustration, which means they feel triggered by things that other people would let slide. People who say, "I don't have time for this," put pressure on everyone else to meet their needs and standards, without any intention of reciprocating.
Their sense of self-importance is the definitive aspect of their personality. They don't have time to wait for a friend before leaving a party, even though that friend gave them a ride over. They don't have time to listen to their partner share uncomfortable feelings.
They don't have time for anything besides their own anger, which is why this is so self-destructive. They often end up all alone, wishing they'd solved their problems earlier.
8. 'I wouldn't have to yell if you would listen'
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This phrase represents hostility in action. It shows how the angry person sidesteps accountability and casts blame for their own behavior on the person they're shouting at. This is a major sign someone's anger is not only problematic, it's also self-destructive.
Psychologist Nick Wignall points out that since "anger isn't a very socially acceptable emotion, many people end up masking it," which leads them to yell when it becomes too much to hide.
"It's perfectly healthy to feel frustrated and angry. But how you deal with those feelings can be very unhealthy," he explained. "The healthiest way to deal with anger is to acknowledge it, validate it, act on it assertively if you need to, or just let it be if you don't."
Yelling might be misconstrued as a method of assertive action, but really, it's a cruel form of communication designed to keep people afraid.
9. 'I'm not the problem, you're the problem'
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Anger can stem from feelings of inadequacy or insecurity, which make people lash out anyone around them. Often, they refuse to admit to anything other than being perfect and infallible, saying things like, "It's not my problem, it's your problem" when someone they value asks them to take accountability.
Everyone has flaws and feelings they'd rather ignore, but avoiding those things is the antithesis to healing. Pushing away the parts of ourselves we don't want to acknowledge means we're not accepting our full selves.
Hiding from ourselves keeps us disconnected from our authenticity and distances us from the people we love. Once we're able to admit that we are the problem, we gain the strength and wisdom to change.
10. 'I can't believe I have to deal with your issues again'
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When someone brings up an unresolved problem or issue, someone with anger issues will usually act like they're being attacked unnecessarily instead of taking accountability and/or solving the problem.
They do this because they can barely hold space for their own feelings, let alone anyone else's. Saying, "I can't believe I have to deal with this," shuts down emotionally charged conversations before they start, making it seem like it's totally unreasonable for someone to want accountability from a friend, coworker or even their partner.
In healthy relationships, even at work, people can talk about what's going on with them without it being twisted around on them. That's why so many people with this level of anger struggle at work and with their personal relationships, too.
11. 'How hard could it be to do things right?'
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Now you know the pattern of questions that are designed to corner people, not actually be answered, so it's no surprise that this one is on the list.
Instead of understanding why mistakes are made or why someone is struggling, a self-destructive angry person will make it seem like everyone else is stupid and incompetent. At work, this often happens when the angry person either set unrealistic expectations or when they haven't instructed an employee adequately in how to do their job.
In personal relationships, it's usually a big sign of someone who is controlling their partner or friendship by setting expectations that are either impossible to meet or always shifting and thus designed to create failure. In other words, a no-win situation.
Instead for taking accountability for their own standards they act like everyone else is below them. This is especially sad when they're the one responsible for creating a no-win situation in the first place.
12. 'I'm over this'
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Everyone has their limits, and establishing exactly what those limits are helps manage expectations. But saying, "I'm over this," isn't about setting a boundary; rather, it's about airing their grievances in a blunt and impolite way. Worse, it sounds like a threat when you're in a relationship. It sounds like you're ready to leave.
People with serious anger issues say this phrase without any plans to remove themselves from whatever situation is annoying them so deeply, only to threaten it and destabilize the person they're speaking to. It's controlling.
If they were really "over it" in a constructive way, they would take space or offer suggestions on how to shift gears. If they were really ready to break up, they'd say that directly and either ask to start therapy together or initiate the actual break-up.
But they won't take that level of accountability, they'll only frighten others and pass blame. Sadly, in the end, they suffer the most under this self-destructive habit if they don't seek help or work to disarm their anger.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
