Man Unsure If He Should Accept The Role As Best Man At His Friend's Wedding Since He Believes That He Is Making A Mistake
While friends can't control each other's decisions, they can offer unwavering support and protection during significant life events.
Bogdan Sonjchnyc / Shutterstock After a man was asked by his best friend if he would step in as his best man on his wedding day, he did not feel particularly honored. Instead, he is debating whether or not he should turn down his friend’s offer due to his feelings toward the future bride.
The man fears that his friend may be heading into a toxic marriage that he cannot support.
The man is unsure if he should accept the role of best man at his best friend’s wedding since he believes the marriage is a mistake.
The man sent his dilemma to columnist Amy Dickinson to share in her advice column “Ask Amy.”
“Dear Amy: My very best and oldest friend, ‘Curt’ is getting married to his long-time girlfriend,” the man wrote. “I have spent a lot of time with them, and I can say definitively that Curt’s life is much worse since they have been together.”
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The man describes Curt’s fiancée as “extremely controlling,” claiming that she keeps Curt on “a very short tether.”
“Recently, he told me that she threw a shoe at him in a fit of anger,” the man revealed.
“I believe this relationship is really bad for him and that his fiancée is an abuser. She has done what she can to isolate him from family members and doesn’t speak to his mother (and is threatening not to allow her at their wedding).”
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The man fears what may become of his best friend’s life when he marries this woman, noting that he was pressured into proposing in the first place.
Recently, Curt asked the man to be his best man at his wedding. However, given the man’s feelings toward Curt’s fiancée, he believes that it would be “unethical” of him to take the role.
“I can’t imagine composing a speech or a toast,” he admitted, asking if he should be obligated to serve as best man.
While Amy acknowledged that the man is not obligated to do anything, she believes that he should accept the role of the best man.
“Consider this an act of extreme friendship. The way you can justify this is to tell yourself that you are standing up for him, if not for them,” she advised the man.
Amy even pointed out how being the best man may strip Curt’s controlling bride of her power. “Abusers gain their power by isolating the person they are abusing, and they make life so uncomfortable and so untenable that most people back away— or are pushed away,” she wrote. “Tell ‘Curt’ what you see and how you feel about it. And tell him that you will always have his back.”
As for the best man speech, Amy encouraged the man to describe their close friendship, tell a wonderful story about him, and wish him the best of luck in his future.
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While we may not always be a fan of our friend’s partners and have the urge to protect them when we believe they are in a toxic relationship, we cannot control their decision-making at the end of the day.
We can, however, offer them a shoulder to cry on, a space to vent, and a source of support. Our job, as their friends, is not to instruct them on what to do but to look out for them and protect them to the best of our ability, even if that just means simply being there during life’s most important milestones.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.