4 Life-Affirming Lessons A 'Death Doula' Learned While Caring For Those Who Are Dying
Jsme MILA | Canva You've heard of birth doulas, the caring professionals that support people during childbirth. The role of doula goes further than the first day of life, though. Diane Button is a death doula, a companion for people at the end of their lives. Her life's work is supporting people to find meaning, comfort, joy, and peace in life and in death.
As she told Andrea Miller on the Getting Open podcast, she got her start doing this beautiful work with her grandfather's peaceful death. While it sounds counterintuitive to learn about the joy of a good life by watching someone die, Button believes death is the best way to learn about life. She even wrote a beautiful book, What Matters Most, so she could share this message.
Her grandfather was a very serious plastic surgeon who worked with burn victims. Despite being part of a very stoic generation, he was good at expressing his love, so Diane always felt it. He may not have used flowery words, but he showed it.
When he was dying, the family gathered for a final meal of his favorite foods, which were lamb chops, mint jelly, and mashed potatoes. His favorite Frank Sinatra was playing in the background. Surrounded by all the people he loved, it was a beautiful final meal.
At one point, he looked at each person carefully, one at a time, and slowly took them in as if it were really his final farewell. All of a sudden, he leaned in and said, "When I die, I'm really going to miss ... mint jelly." Those days with her grandfather inspired her to build a career around helping people have peaceful deaths.
Four life-affirming lessons a death doula learned while caring for those who are dying
1. Having a peaceful death means living a peaceful life
The moment of levity surrounding the mint jelly was his love in action, and it let everyone feel a bit more at ease. A few days later, when he was dying, Diane held him in her arms. His last breath was one of the most beautiful moments of her life, because he was fully and totally at peace. As she described, "The church bells rang down below, and there was a breeze in the bedroom, and it was just sort of like this angelic moment."
She looked down at her grandfather, and he had a huge smile on his face, the biggest smile she'd ever seen. In that moment, Diane was struck with the idea that she wanted to die like that, with a smile on her face, in peace, knowing she was a good person who made good contributions like he had.
To die well, you have to live well, so you have to live in peace to die in peace, and she learned that from seeing the smile on the face of her grandfather. She now brings that same sense of peacefulness into the room and the experience of death for the people she helps.
This doesn't mean you don't experience grief when a loved one passes away peacefully. Grief is just part of life. But it eases the burden of regrets to have planned your peaceful death as much as one can.
2. You can be more joyful in your life when you have faced death
As companions for the dying, death doulas are also there for the loved ones, friends, family, and their entire circle of care. The death doula can help to bring peace and comfort. Sometimes they try to heal relationships if there is a lot of unfinished business. There can be hard conversations, but it is required of that particular person to bring peace at the end of life.
Being around death makes you less afraid of it and allows you to fully embrace joyful moments. Facing death and experiencing the process helps prepare for what will come, and can help us find those vital moments of levity. Being with our loved ones when they pass, and participating in the human experience of dying, dispel the social myth of death as scary.
3. Death doesn't have to be scary
People have more agency over their passing than we realize; it isn't totally out of control how we approach the end of life. Every step we take in our lives helps prepare us for death. The choices we make, the relationships we build, and the love we give or don't will all add up in the end, but there is nothing to fear.
You have some control over how peaceful you will be at the end by living your truth in life. This helps you keep peace in your heart, the best you can, with people you care about. Expressing your love keeps you connected to those people, and connecting with the people you love creates a protection to insulate you from the fear of death.
4. Everyone craves peace at the end, so start now
In all the experiences Diane Button has had as a death doula, the need for peace at the end is the common element she found. The experience of death as an expression of love sets the mind and soul at peace. In our final moments, struggling and resisting from fear does no good because the mind, body, and soul are looking for the restful peace of death.
No matter how old or young you are, the peace of your passing is made through the actions of your living. The people whose work is to help others cross over into death see how a soul at ease from a life lived true to the self and expressed with love is one who transitions with ease.
"It doesn't matter if you are spiritual, religious, agnostic, or atheist," she explains, "you will still crave peace at the end and can start working on it now." So check in with yourself often as you journey through life and make sure you are living your truth, expressing your love, and cultivating your peace.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
