If A Person Gets Defensive About These 11 Topics, They're Hiding Something Big
If someone is being defensive, they may be hiding something about themselves that you would never expect.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A / Shutterstock When someone acts defensively, it is a sign that they are aiming to protect themselves in a moment of vulnerability. And while there are many reasons someone may feel threatened in this way, if a person gets defensive about certain topics, there's a good chance that they are trying to hide something big.
Concealing the truth about something often makes a person want to change the subject or find a way to turn the topic on the other person rather than facing it. It is a defense mechanism that people who are hiding something rely on. When someone has more going on beneath the surface, it can be particularly challenging for them to communicate rationally, especially when they feel threatened in some way.
If a person gets defensive about these 11 topics, they're hiding something big
1. Critical feedback
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Not everyone accepts feedback and criticism gracefully. While it may seem that the individuals who get defensive when receiving any kind of criticism have the biggest egos, they may not be as prideful as they seem. Research shows that people who have a hard time hearing constructive feedback may struggle with low self-esteem.
A person with low self-esteem may view even constructive criticism as an attack on who they are. Instead of viewing it as an opportunity for growth, they immediately see it as the other person placing blame on them or saying they have failed, which is why a defensive response is what results.
2. Past mistakes
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When someone gets defensive about you bringing up their past mistakes, they may be hiding feelings of shame and guilt. Becoming defensive acts as a shield to protect the ego, so it goes deeper than a person getting defensive about what the mistake was.
According to Nick Wignall, a board-certified clinical psychologist, “We use defensiveness to distract ourselves from that hurt feeling. By criticizing the other person back, we shift the attention onto the other person’s mistakes or faults, thereby temporarily feeling less bad about ourselves.”
3. Their spending habits
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When asked about money or their spending habits, if someone gets defensive, they could be hiding financial struggles. These financial struggles are usually something most people choose to hide from family, friends, and significant others due to a fear of judgment.
“If there are purchases or payments in your budget that you hide, feel you must justify, or know others would disapprove of. Then, you are still afraid to be judged about your financial choices,” according to Bob Wheeler, a somatic therapist and certified ‘CORE Energetics’ and Radical Aliveness Practitioner.
4. Their career
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If career-related questions cause someone to get defensive, it could be because they are hiding insecurities about their work. Whether that is because they are embarrassed about their job or difficulties with feeling successful within their job, these insecurities make them want to protect themselves from the possible hit to their ego.
When someone feels that their identity is found in the work they do, they will get defensive if they feel that work is being threatened in any way, because it feels like a direct hit to who they are.
5. Phone privacy and separation
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If someone gets defensive about letting others see what is on their phone, there may be a deeper cause to it than just wanting privacy. While it may genuinely be a want for privacy, they could also be hiding the fact that they have an emotional attachment to their phone.
A study published by ScienceDirect explained that when you try to take a phone away from someone who is attached to their phone and likely experiences higher attachment anxiety, they will react defensively because the separation from their phone causes distress. So it may not always be that the person is hiding something on their phone or just wants privacy, but rather they could be dealing with something way deeper emotionally.
6. Future plans
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If they constantly get defensive when you mention future plans to them, they could be hiding the fact that they always have to feel a sense of control, and the idea of not knowing exactly what the future holds causes them anxiety. When faced with the uncertainty of the future, their mind recognizes that control may be threatened, leading them to react defensively.
This defensiveness may come in the form of rationalization. Kendra Cherry, a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist and psychology educator, explains that “Rationalization makes us feel like we are in control of the situation. It lessens anxiety and allows us to maintain our self-image, even if it sometimes means bending the truth to suit our needs.”
7. Their whereabouts
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If, when asked about their whereabouts, they become defensive and try to change the subject, it may indicate that they are hiding their involvement in activities they feel ashamed of.
A 2023 study found that people tend to conceal things they believe the person questioning them might disapprove of or think less of them for. In hopes of maintaining respect and protecting themselves from being unaccepted by the person they wish to please, they will find ways to beat around the bush and not be completely honest about where they have been and what they have been doing.
8. Their relationships
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When asked about current or past relationships, if they get defensive, they may be trying to mask the insecurities they have accumulated from emotional trauma that past encounters have caused. While trying not to appear as vulnerable as they feel, they will choose to combat the interest in these relationships with defensive behavior.
“We know that trauma victims can demonstrate high levels of defensiveness. It's important to keep in mind that they may also exhibit over-sensitivity to comments or actions in relationships if they trigger memories of a traumatic experience,” according to Jim West, a Nationally Certified and State Licensed Counselor.
So, even if you are not asking them a critical question about their relationships, they may still get offended because it might trigger traumatic memories they're hiding from you.
9. Their core values
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If someone gets defensive when their core values are questioned, they could be hiding the extent to which they find their self-worth in their beliefs. As mentioned earlier, defensive behavior is the body’s response to feeling threatened in some way. A person will most likely aim to find a way to protect their self-worth, and that usually looks like rationalizing their values and overlooking the viewpoints of others.
While trying to protect their self-worth and values is a natural response to feeling like significant things to them are being threatened, there are downsides to handling these emotions in this way. When they act defensively in this way, it becomes more challenging for them to remain open-minded, kind, and honest. Therefore, it is advisable to explore alternatives to protecting what is important to them, such as working on self-alignment.
10. Family dynamics
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When questioned about their family dynamics, if they respond very defensively, they could be hiding unresolved issues that they have with their family members. When family-related traumatic events occur throughout a person’s childhood, they stick with them into their adulthood and shape how they respond to potential triggers.
“Trauma responses are innate; they occur without our consciousness. A reaction to a perceived threat is called a trauma response. It is a survival instinct; it is reflexive and automatic,” according to Tiffany Sauber Millacci, an educator, writer, and researcher with a Ph.D. in psychology.
So, in some cases, if they are being defensive, they may not be doing so intentionally. It may be a trauma response due to the hidden issues they have with their family.
11. Their health and well-being
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When they get defensive while talking about their health and well-being, there is a possibility that they’re hiding insecurities they are experiencing with their mental and/or physical health. These insecurities range from the fear of change or being perceived as weak or incapable to struggling with body image and self-worth.
When confronted with negative health feedback, they may aim to discredit it as a way to avoid accepting it or working to change it if it is something that can be reversed. This response is motivated by fear and their insecurities. Getting defensive is the way they protect themselves from having to face scary and negative health news.
It is important to remember that defensive behavior may be a sign someone is hiding something serious about themselves, and it may be their mind and body’s first instinct to protect themselves from topics that are triggering. So if a person is being defensive, consider the hidden mental secrets they may be dealing with.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
