The Common Habit I Had To Quit Before I Could Finally Feel Safe

Once you break free, you can meet yourself with love and finally heal.

When Blaming Others Doesn't Work Anymore PNW Production | Canva

For a long time, I didn't feel emotionally safe. I felt like a target, a victim, someone passive in my own life. 

The more I love myself, the more I want to liberate every aspect of me that doesn't feel loved yet. I’m hardcore when it comes to excavating the remnants left in the dark. I’m committed to liberating all the parts stuck deep down there, not yet aware that they too are part of the oneness and love. In this process, it became crystal clear that blaming others doesn't work.


Blaming others will never make you safe

My personal emotional 'prisoners' are easy to catch. They know how to get my attention through a sense of contraction, fear, pain, or any other discomfort. I am grateful that I’ve learned to deeply listen to my body to understand what these seeming separate parts — these prisoners whom I, myself, am keeping imprisoned — are saying.

They don’t need me to feel sorry for them and they don't need me to keep them imprisoned and safe. No, they need me to tell them the truth so they can step out of their confines and create a life from a higher frequency.


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Rewire your nervous system 

I know, it’s not easy to feel loved in the world when your nervous system got hardwired and hijacked as a child to believe that you are not enough. It’s a very painful way to live and not something you can just change by positive affirmations.

It takes willingness and courage to do the deep work of feeling the stuck energy in your body and nervous system, for it to be released and rewired. But you won’t know that until you do the work. We hardly know what frequency we carry inside anymore because we've forgotten how to listen.


Deep listening is an essential skill when you want to know who is imprisoned down deep. When I go to these deep places, I don’t hesitate to reach out for help and support. The hardest places to go are inside your pain and trauma — especially when you ‘go in’ alone. That's why you have been avoiding it.

It's not easy. It's scary. Make sure you find the right support before you ‘go in.' I’ve heard it said that trauma happens in relationships and, therefore, needs to heal in relationships. And I want to add, that it better be a good one — one that feels safe and supportive! So truthfully, not only is it helpful to do this work with the right guide or support, but for many of us, it is essential.

When you try to do this deep work on your own, you can easily re-traumatize instead of release and rewire.

When you know how to be present with these painful feelings and stay present with them with love and presence, you’ll naturally start experiencing what is true.


Don't let your nervous system become stuck in 'unsafe mode'

We all want to feel this way, but you can’t do that if your nervous system is ‘stuck in unsafe.’

Having a loving, safe, and supportive mentor already gives you a taste of what is possible and opens the door for more safety. Please don’t repeat the past that caused this trauma. Please make sure you feel the safety and support that was missing earlier in life. Then you have the tools for true healing and transformation.

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For me, it has been a life’s work and a gentle relaxing and letting go, one step at a time. You cannot make this happen, but you can allow it to happen. We all have lifetimes of accumulated beliefs, traumas, and conditioning that have made us believe that we are unloved, separate, and bad.


On top of past lifetimes, there's plenty to deal with from this lifetime. Our early childhood conditioning is mostly hardwired in from when we were very young and needs an enormous amount of love, self-love, willingness, dedication, and commitment to heal and feel safe again.

Become aware of your unconscious hardwired conditioning

So as oxymoron-ish as it may sound, what is needed, is the exact opposite of what you believe, feel, and have been conditioned to. So, first, you need to become aware of your unconscious hardwired conditioning, and then you need to muster up the power and willingness to do the opposite of what you are used to.

Here's an example: You are hardwired to ignore your truth and listen to others instead. (Oh, don't worry, we all have done that!) First, you need to become aware you are ignoring your truth — and that my friend, is a mighty step! Once you get a sense of that, then you need to turn your listening ear inside and hear what your heart has to say.


Then comes fine-tuning, trusting, and acting on it.

  1. Awareness
  2. Turning the tide, a.k.a. practicing doing the opposite of what you are used to
  3. Keep practicing your new skill

A process indeed! A worthy one too!

Honestly, I don’t know how long this process will last. All I know is that little by little, layer by layer, I get more clear on what I’ve believed myself to be, I feel my unconscious behaviors and frequencies, and finally, I’m sick and tired of them and inspired to change.

When you do the work, you invite in more light

This light helps you see the shadows better with less judgment and shame and with more willingness and love.

Part of the illusion we live in has made us believe that we are victims of our circumstances. When you feel like a victim, it’s natural to blame these circumstances, right?


On my account, I can attest that I have done plenty of that, to the point of nausea. And truthfully, I still feel tempted at times!

Joyful woman realizes Blaming Others Doesn't Work Anymore via Shutterstock

The flip side is that the more you can meet the old pain and the tight contractions inside, the more empowered you feel. This gives you the power to realize you are not a victim and never were, even though it may still look like that in your outer world.


Why? Because it takes time to 'up' your frequency from blame to power and often it takes additional time for the outer world to match that.

Fully taking back your power and vowing to never blame anyone again — including yourself — is powerful! That is liberating! And…it can be challenging too!

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Lovingly meet every part of yourself

It only keeps the illusion alive, having you believe that you truly are a victim. Coming to the full understanding and realization of this is the process of lovingly meeting every part of you that felt and still feels like a victim.

And please, don’t blame or victimize yourself in this exploration — blaming yourself doesn't work either! Now is the time, when you start taking back your power by making space for all the pain, listening to it, and loving it. Like a wonderful parent, you show up with the truth but don't use it as a weapon. 


When you deeply listen, you know what you and the pain need to experience your wholeness again. It needs to know the truth — you need to know that you are not a victim and that it’s time to reclaim your true identity, frequency, and power.

For the past couple of years, life has thrown me curve balls, pushing me to take full responsibility for my life experience. It was tough in the beginning — and still is at times when the unfair button is on 'high'. It's so darn easy to blame 'them' and justify that it is all their fault!

However, it is exactly this unfairness that forced me to look deeper and investigate what I was still not aware of. When it finally dawned on me that nothing can ever happen to me (a.k.a. I can’t be a victim anymore) without something inside me unconsciously 'vibing' it, I started feeling very empowered — and a little embarrassed too.


No, it’s not all pretty when you realize your part in it! It Feels like swallowing a bitter pill when you take the first bite. Yikes!

So here's what I do. I ask myself this question:

Ask: "What is it in me that brings this experience into my life?"

Then I stay open to feeling, experiencing, and receiving what shows up:

  • I may see my unconscious behaviors suddenly staring me in the eyes. ("Oops! Am I doing that too?!?!")
  • I may have an outer incident happen that makes me aware of something I couldn’t see before. ("You are SO....")
  • I may feel the deeper core wounding that has colored most of my life experience, as if for the first time. ("Nobody ever cares what I have to say, anyway!")

It shows up in any way possible, simply to help you realize the energy and frequency that has been part of creating not only your own life but contributing to the world as you know it.

She is looking in a mirror because blaming others doesn't work anymore Ilona Kozhevnikova via Shutterstock

Yes, I know this is a big mouthful for most of us, and it can taste bitter and awful. But as you chew your way deeper into your energy and frequency, the bitterness subsides.


You'll realize the innocence of why you became this way and love starts flooding and healing the pain from the past. Then you’ll feel hungry for more as you realize that what you’ve been holding on to — mostly unconsciously — is what has colored your life experience.

If you feel ready to start taking a bite, move through the initial bitterness, and take a stand for your true power, let her know. She can help you make this easier and less bitter by giving you a taste of what is possible.

Victimhood sucks. Taking back your power rocks.

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Pernilla Lillarose is a self-love mystic mentor and certified Hakomi practitioner.