I Finally Realized Something In My 60s, And Suddenly A Lot Of Things Stopped Mattering
shurkin_son | Shutterstock My ex-husband got married last week. People ask me if that upsets me, and the answer is no. We have nothing in common anymore, except co-parenting our adult offspring. And actually? I hope this union brings him happiness. I want that because I finally realized something in my 60s: happy people are more generous, and researchers agree that greater happiness is good for everyone.
Within all of us, we have a desire to do our "bit" for humanity. Well, here is a chance to do a whole lot of good, while dispelling that obnoxiously omnipresent idea that life is miserable. What if your happiness, or the happiness of your ex, could cure the world's ills? Would you be willing to engage?
I finally realized something in my 60s, and suddenly a lot of things stopped mattering:
Buried feelings keep you in misery
How does happiness happen? Here's a clue: the first four letters of "happy" and "happen" are the same. This clues us in that the emotion is something we have to create, consciously, because our mood is a choice. (What a novel idea, right? We certainly harbor the belief we are not responsible for our moods; that they're solely a product of our environments. So not true!) I think we actually have a lot to do with how we feel, if we are willing to let go of our old "what has always been done" patterns.
Just like being happy, feeling sad, or sorry for the way things are is a choice too. Now, embracing your feelings is healthy, whether they stem from pain, anger, or joy. Identify where the negativity shows up in your body, and then let that feeling just exist as you breathe into it. If it hurts, a study supported the usefulness of acknowledging the feeling and giving it room to express and expel itself. Because that's the goal: You want to rid yourself of the "bad" emotion by actively feeling it.
When you shush your feelings or those of your loved ones, they get buried in your cells. They don't magically disappear; they stay in your body, create disease, and lower your sense of happiness. Buried feelings keep you in misery as you blame others and feel manipulated. Not conducive to embracing the happy!
Holding in your feelings only keeps you stuck
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It can cause you to explode at the smallest thing. You have control over the weight you carry, and you don't need to be the butler of the universe, pretending all is well, or that you agree with something that ticks you off. Again, this keeps you in a cycle of embracing the unhappy.
When I was married to my ex, we wore both living on the edge of madness. Temper would erupt at the slightest provocation; we blamed each other constantly and could not see past that cloud of resentment. If I said the "wrong" thing, my ex could explode, but I was no angel either; all I knew about relationships I learned in kindergarten. So we tried to make nice and pretend that nothing was wrong. The only problem is that it never works.
I smiled till my jaw ached, then sulked or slammed doors out of the public eye. I was a three-year-old playing grown-up because I didn't know how to embrace and let go of negativity. I wanted to be happy, but I thought if I let others dictate what they wanted, all would be well.
When I finally went from playing doormat to facing my despair and owning my part in the equation, it was too late for our relationship. But it was not too late for me, and it isn't too late for you. Somewhere in that misery of fighting, making up, placating, and explosions, I realized I wanted a simple life. One where I could be honest with myself and the people in my circle without doing stuff that made me miserable. I realized that was what would make me happy!
Clinging to negativity just because it feels familiar keeps you unhappy
I gave myself permission to get real. I remember being gobsmacked when I learned that we all have a choice: happy or miserable. If you decide on happiness, research suggests it will take a little work on your part, but it's fun work. Grab a piece of paper and write down five things that make you happy; easy things like "smiling". Try smiling without feeling a little bit of bliss. It's pretty hard!
Let go of trying to 'make' other people happy. You can't make people do or feel. Well, you can create an illusion of control for a few minutes. Then they start resenting you, and all heck breaks loose. Isn't it a relief to know you only have to be responsible for the feelings and actions of one person? Someone you actually can influence: yourself.
You don’t have to carry everyone else's emotions
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Do this by practicing conscious deep breathing, listening to music that moves you, or taking a walk alone in nature. Stop and listen to your heart, letting the choir of "should", "must", and "be nice" fade into the background. A study recommended putting your hand on your heart and breathing in deeply a few times. Then put a smile on your face and continue breathing, sending love to someone who needs it about four or five more breaths.
Don't just do these exercises once, because inner listening takes constant practice. Commit to hearing your voice once a week. For inspiration, read "The Artist Way"; it is a wonderful tool for recapturing your wisdom. Choose the path that will lead you to your happiness, and follow through.
When my mom grumbles about how life has gone to the dogs, I get the giggles. I laugh not because I'm tickled by suffering, but because I know I can't make choices for the group if I don't make choices for myself.
However, you engage in what lights you up from the inside, set an intention to have more of it, and follow through! Remind yourself that the burden of others is not yours to fix, but if you pour some happiness into your heart, it might just find its way to other people. Even ex-husbands.
Jen Duchene is an internationally acclaimed speaker, Akashic Reader, Astro-Numerologist, Author, and Sacred Design Expert.
