11 Fake Apologies That Sound Polite But Are Secretly Manipulative
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Sincere communication is an important part of any relationship, whether it's romantic or platonic, and knowing how to recognize a real apology is vital. Apologizing can renew trust, soothe hurt feelings, and return the lifeblood to a damaged relationship. But when someone hurts you and gives you a fake or insincere apology just to sound polite, it only makes things worse because the apology masks manipulation.
People who accept apologies either genuinely forgive the person or accept it out of a sense of obligation because of unwritten social rules. Research has suggested that people who truly accept an apology usually view the apology as more sincere, which takes responsibility, displays remorse, and explains how the mistake will be fixed. But some apologies are fake and won't help mend the wound.
Here are 11 fake apologies that sound polite but are secretly manipulative:
1. 'I'm sorry if...'
This is a conditional apology. It falls short of a full apology by suggesting only that something "might" have happened.
Examples:
- I'm sorry if I did anything wrong.
- I'm sorry if you were offended.
Psychology professor Karina Schumann, Ph.D., explained, "You're not saying, I did this and this was wrong. You're saying I'm expressing remorse, I'm expressing some sympathy for what this person is going through, but I'm not going so far as to take accountability for it. And people do not like to receive apologies like that. That specific way of saying, if something happened, then I'm sorry. That's the worst-case scenario. You're not acknowledging how the person was harmed. You're not accepting responsibility."
2. 'I'm sorry that you...'
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This is a blame-shifting apology. It's no apology at all. Rather, it puts the blame on you as the problem, not apologizing for their behavior.
Examples:
- I'm sorry you felt hurt.
- I'm sorry you think I did something wrong.
- I'm sorry you feel I'm so bad.
Blame-shifting has become so natural in apologies that researchers found most people expect it to happen so often that they're caught off guard by a sincere apology. Assuming people will naturally deflect blame for their mistakes when apologizing has become so normalized, we can completely miss recognizing a sincere apology.
3. 'I'm sorry, but...'
This excuse-making apology does nothing to heal the wounds caused.
Examples:
- I'm sorry, but most other people wouldn’t have overreacted as you did.
- I'm sorry, but other people thought it was funny.
- I'm sorry, but you started it.
- I'm sorry, but I couldn’t help it.
- I'm sorry, but there was truth to what I said.
- I'm sorry, but you can’t expect perfection.
Psychologist Guy Winch advised, "While it’s emotionally uncomfortable to own up to causing harm to another person, when you do so successfully and mend the rupture between you, it will make you feel a) less guilty, b) more effective, and c) empowered, because empowerment comes from a feeling of being in control of your life and relationships. Offering an effective apology and getting authentic forgiveness is a great demonstration of our agency."
4. 'I was just...'
This is a justifying apology. It seeks to argue that the hurtful behavior was okay because it was harmless or for a good cause, which shows the person is a manipulator.
Examples:
- I was just kidding.
- I was just trying to help.
- I was only trying to calm you down.
- I was trying to get you to see the other side.
- I was just playing devil’s advocate.
People who are concerned about honor and reputation often see apologizing as weakness, which can cause minor disagreements to blow up into serious problems. They tend to resist apologizing to defend their public image. However, a study showed that they become more apologetic when the perspective shifts from protecting their reputation to demonstrating integrity.
5. 'I've already said/done...'
This deja vu apology cheapens whatever is said by implying there is nothing left to apologize for.
Examples:
- I already said I was sorry.
- I've already apologized for that a million times.
We tend to use more words when apologizing, and listeners see it as a sign of true remorse and that the apology is sincere. A study explained how the extra effort we take to carefully consider word choice in an apology shows the speaker is serious. The person who was hurt will usually feel the sincerity because the apology was driven by intention.
6. 'I regret...'
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This sidestepping apology equates regret with apologizing. There is no ownership on their part in the situation.
Examples:
- I regret that you felt upset
- I regret that mistakes were made
People often sidestep an apology out of embarrassment or shame. Career consultant Susan Kulakowski pointed out, "Apologies to people you love and who love you can be as easy or as difficult as you make them. Trust that you’re apologizing to people who love you, even if you're ashamed of yourself at the moment and fearful of their reaction."
7. 'I know I...' or 'You know I...'
This camouflaging apology is an effort to minimize what happened without owning any hurtful effects on you or others. It may seem self-effacing, but on its own, it contains no apology. In doing this, they try to talk you out of your feelings or imply you shouldn’t be upset.
Examples:
- I know I shouldn’t have done that.
- I know I probably should have asked you first.
- I know I can be a bull in a china shop sometimes.
- You know I'm sorry.
- You know I didn’t mean that.
- You know I'd never hurt you.
8. 'I'll apologize if...'
This pay-to-play apology is not a clean, freely offered apology. Rather, you have to pay to get it.
Examples:
- I'll only apologize if you apologize for what you did, too.
- I'll apologize if you agree never to bring it up again.
- I'll say I'm sorry if you promise you'll stop talking about it.
People who care less about their public image often look away when apologizing. A study showed that people who have trouble looking you in the eye when apologizing are often seen as more sincere. But when a person is worried about their public perception, they tend to focus on a perfect apology and use direct eye contact with exaggerated expressions to manage the situation instead of expressing genuine remorse. Their perfect apology is more of a performance, while a less refined apology is more authentic.
9. 'I guess...'
This is a phantom apology. It hints at the need for an apology but never gives one.
Examples:
- I guess I owe you an apology.
- I guess I should say I'm sorry.
When they say they guess, they mean they don't care, and the lack of regret is felt.
10. 'So-and-so told me to apologize'
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This is a not-my-apology apology. The person is saying they are apologizing only because someone else suggested it. The implication is that it would have never happened otherwise.
Examples:
- Your mother told me to apologize to you.
- My friend said I should tell you I'm sorry.
Researchers explored understanding apologies in a larger context by studying celebrities and influencers facing scandals. People in the spotlight often make public apologies, but the public frequently doubts their sincerity. When they apologize to manage their reputation, it sounds more like "My publicist told me to tell the world I am so sorry."
11. 'Fine. I’m sorry, OK?!'
This is a bullying apology. Either in words or tone, you are given a grudging “I’m sorry,” but it doesn’t feel like an apology. It may even feel like a threat.
Examples:
- OK, enough already. I said I'm sorry!
- Give me a break, I'm sorry, all right?
A true apology, by contrast, has most or all of the following characteristics:
- It is freely offered without conditions or minimizing what was done.
- Conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt person’s experience and feelings.
- Conveys remorse.
- Offers a commitment to avoid repeating hurtful behavior.
- Offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate.
An authentic apology starts with listening. If you seek to apologize, you first need to hear what happened from the other person's point of view and how it affected them.
As therapist Harriet Lerner wrote, “No apology will have meaning if we haven’t listened carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. More than anything, the hurt party needs to know that we really get it, that our empathy and remorse are genuine, that their feelings make sense, that we will carry some of the pain we’ve caused, and that we will do our best to make sure there’s no repeat performance.”
People issue faux apologies for several reasons: They may not believe they did anything wrong, or just want to keep the peace. They may feel embarrassed and want to avoid their feelings. They may feel shame about their actions, but are unable or unwilling to confront their shame. People who consistently fail to apologize may lack empathy, have low self-esteem, or have a personality disorder.
Whether you're the one apologizing or the one receiving one, make certain any apology you offer is sincere and well-intentioned to minimize hurt and help heal the wound.
Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., has more than 25 years of experience in private practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist. He is the author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness.
